Supporting A Friend Whose Boys Were Molested... Am I Missing Something?

[Barberian]

It also might send the message that what the older boy did isn't a big thing and might give the younger boys the idea to do the same thing when they get older. "It's ok, my cousin didn't get in trouble".

I've never shared this in much detail before with anyone. Being relatively anonymous helps me to be open and truthful. Ya you may know me by my avatar and it's name, but no one has met me, or knows me IRL. This is still a thing of shame for me, both being molested and almost molesting a friend who was a year or two younger than me.

I was molested when I was around 7 years old by a man in his mid 20's. I didn't know any better, and he didn't hurt me. He had me sit nude on his lap while he massaged and stroked my male parts. It felt good at the time, and once again I didn't know any better. It was stopped by my brother showing up at this guys house to check on me. I have no idea how far it would have went without being interrupted. It was around the time kids play "doctor" and explore them selves and each other. A year or two later I wanted to play doctor with a younger friend. I didn't know there was a rough boundary to the age kids played doctor, and I had passed it. He wasn't interested and told his mother while I was still at his house. She read me the riot act! She talked/yelled at me for over half an hour about how what I did, or tried to do was bad, how she was going to talk to my mother (which she never did, which lead me to dread the "hammer drop" that never came). To say the least I was "scared straight" in many more ways than one. I never tried to play doctor with another kid again. If that had never happened who knows what I might have done then and later with other kids. All the while thinking it was ok, that's just what people do.

It sounds like the parents of the older boy are in denial and are not addressing the issue to make sure it never happens again. I suggest following up with the police and/or district attorney. Let them know someone is still watching and waiting for action from the police. Call every day if you have to. Be the force behind making sure the older kid is "scared straight" and what he did was wrong and unacceptable and won't be tolerated again on ANY level..

 

[catjudo]

yet the parents still want to play nice and not make waves. If things don't turn out well, I hope those parents can look their boys in the eyes when they're older and say "we didn't care enough to hire you a lawyer because we didn't want to make the rest of the family mad".

I don't think it's very fair of you to judge my friends based on my thoughts, not their thoughts or their actions. You suggested a lawyer and I said...

Solara said: ↑ What about getting the boys a lawyer? I don't think they would do that.

I didn't say it had been discussed. I didn't say I knew they wouldn't do it. I gave my opinion on where I thought they were right now. But don't judge them just because I said I don't THINK they're ready for something like that. If I had talked to them about it and they said no, then judge away, but that's not the case. Don't pass judgement on them based on my thoughts.

It also might send the message that what the older boy did isn't a big thing and might give the younger boys the idea to do the same thing when they get older. "It's ok, my cousin didn't get in trouble".

Honestly, this was one of the things that my friend worried about from the very first day. In her very first conversation with me about this questioned if statistically this somehow made her boys more likely to molest or be inappropriate with someone else. Hopefully the fact that they're keeping an open conversation about this with the boys and that the boys are getting therapy will ensure that they know those things are not okay.

It sounds like the parents of the older boy are in denial and are not addressing the issue to make sure it never happens again. I suggest following up with the police and/or district attorney. Let them know someone is still watching and waiting for action from the police. Call every day if you have to. Be the force behind making sure the older kid is "scared straight" and what he did was wrong and unacceptable and won't be tolerated again on ANY level..

I think this is probably the best course of action for them at this stage. I'll have a conversation with my friend this week about needing to make some phone calls and not allowing this case to fall between the cracks. Maybe I can suggest that she find out of the sheriff's office has a victim advocate and start there. Maybe there is more being done that my friend realizes and they can explain the process and where they are at in that process (I really don't think that's the case, but maybe give them a chance to explain). If and when there is no good reason for things to seemingly be at a standstill so early, then my friend can start making regular phone calls until someone does something.

 

[catjudo]

I understand that they don't want people to think of their boys differently so they're telling nobody, but in the end, if that results in a huge emotional load on you, it's very selfish. Be supportive but keep strong boundaries.

I just want to say that in my first post I said that before my friend shared any of this with me, she asked how I was doing currently because she didn't want to dump something on me that I couldn't handle. I told her I was fine and could handle it. So it's not fair to call her selfish. Perhaps I may or may not have done a great job at setting boundaries, but she's not being selfish if she's not giving me more than I told her I could handle.