A Little Validation Please?

[bell]

Hi @Moofkins, you don't have to share if you don't want to, but something to think about.... Does he have PTSD from combat? Because that can do crappy things to empathy levels. Not in that they don't have them, but that they get very very buried.

Also, could it be that when you are in a dark place it reminds him of his own foibles? And he doesn't like seeing how he can be sometimes as reflected in you? Or that he doesn't like seeing you in pain because he feels like a failure for not being able to protect you... even though it was 10 years ago?

Not saying that his behavior is totally acceptable, just trying to come up with PTSD-related reasons as to why it may be the case. At any rate, it's great that you realize that something has got to change. Well done!

 

[Moofkins]

@bell I really appreciate that someone else recognizes that. last night we got in a big debate and at the end we ended up fighting and he said "we have so much, a nice house, a car, nice things, what do you want from me?" And I snapped a little and started screaming that it was about the "stuff" I wanted him. I wanted him to hold me like I hold him when he has a breakdown. And he replied "I don't ask you to do that"

He like to be left alone when he breaks. I don't. I need help. I need to feel grounded and present and talking and feeling him next to me helps me remember that its 9 and half years later and I'm no longer that scared little girl being tormented. I need to feel that love otherwise im back to square one feeling like I'm nothing but I prop in someone's life there for their enjoyment and abuse.

Because he has PTSD too, I know that he just doesn't want to fall victim to a breakdown too. I do think he could be a bit more compassionate. He got out of the service 4 years ago. His trauma is much newer than mine. He made a comparison to that effect last night. He went on and on about how dramatic woman are but I'm not being dramatic. He has no idea what its like to lay under someone you don't love that its 35 years older than you and fear for your life as they continually use you. In his trauma, he is the monster and in mine, I'm the victim.

 

[bell]

In his trauma, he is the monster and in mine, I'm the victim.

I think you hit the nail on the head here, sadly. So the dark place he goes to is one way different than yours. As someone who has PTSD and loves someone with PTSD (but had to let them go recently), it's hard to untangle everything sometimes when things seem to hit you from all angles.

And for a lot of people, having "stuff" represents safety and security and something they didn't have when they were younger, which gets stuck in the muck, too.

Best of luck and take care of yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

All that "stuff" isn't a NEED, rather those are all WANTS. Needs are things like food and shelter (in terms of physical things). I much rather have a guy who gives me little in the way of material things but who can provide for my emotional needs over a guy who thinks its all about giving me stuff.

Over time you may come to realize he just can't give you what you need emotionally. It's up to you to decide if all the material stuff makes up for it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry Moofkins, I'm not clear, does he prefer you to be there when he breaks down (post #1), or prefer to be alone as you said (in post #14)? How long have you been together?

 

[Kintsugi]

@bell

He like to be left alone when he breaks. I don't. I need help. I need to feel grounded and present and talking and feeling him next to me helps me remember that its 9 and half years later and I'm no longer that scared little girl being tormented. I need to feel that love otherwise im back to square one feeling like I'm nothing but I prop in someone's life there for their enjoyment and abuse.

Is there a way to put this into words in a way that is personal to him, that he'd understand better? Like, "This is my war, and when I'm in battle, I need my comrade to be there and support me. I can't fight it alone. I want to be able to count on you to be at my side when I'm in the thick of it."

Because he has PTSD too, I know that he just doesn't want to fall victim to a breakdown too. I do think he could be a bit more compassionate. He got out of the service 4 years ago. His trauma is much newer than mine. He made a comparison to that effect last night.

Frankly this sounds invalidating. It sounds like his symptoms showed early on, but maybe you could again say something that resonates directly with him, like, "My deployment was in childhood, before I even had complex reasoning skills. I'm still trying to get back to civilian life, which I didn't get to fully grow up in."

He went on and on about how dramatic woman are but I'm not being dramatic.

This really shocked me coming from combat PTSD, which a lot of soldiers would say is military personnel being oversensitive! "You don't have trauma. I saw ten times the action *you* did." "You're just trying to get disability." "You just can't handle the heat." Etc.That rhetoric is SO prevalent in the service still! Would he say that crap to a female service member who was at his side the whole time, living his reality, and suffering the same disorder?

He has no idea what its like to lay under someone you don't love that its 35 years older than you and fear for your life as they continually use you.

I have faced a lot of difficulty in explaining the victim stance to my fiancé. One time he kept pressuring me and pressuring me to use an airsoft rifle to shoot birds. I can barely bring myself to kill insects in my house. He hadn't hit a single one after trying and trying. So he would leave me alone, I took the gun and aimed haphazardly at a bird on a fence. Well, I f*cking got it. I still can't believe that and it still haunts the shit out of me. He was congratulating me, and then he realized I was positively frozen with mortification (as I write this I'm thinking, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ). He kept asking if I was okay, but I was catatonic. Finally I looked at him and said, "You don't get it. You have always been the hunter. You don't know what it feels like to be the bird. I am the bird on the other end of the gun." After this, he seemed to really understand that it was impossible for him to really know how it felt to be a helpless casualty to cruelty. Maybe, because of what he's done in action, it is hard for your SO to recognize that you are the bird, and he has always been the hunter.

In his trauma, he is the monster and in mine, I'm the victim.

I said these exact words to a sufferer once. He did not take it well. But it was true. He didn't know how it felt to be the victim and to deal with that level of suffering. I think I elaborated on it, about how in his trauma he still had some agency, even if the circumstances seemed otherwise. In mine I was just a child at the mercy of people bigger than I. That doesn't make my trauma more valid; it just means that when I am breaking down and having flashbacks, I still feel little and totally helpless, and sometimes I need someone to be there as no one was at the time.

 

[Tinyflame]

"My deployment was in childhood, before I even had complex reasoning skills. I'm still trying to get back to civilian life, which I didn't get to fully grow up in."

You have always been the hunter. You don't know what it feels like to be the bird. I am the bird on the other end of the gun."

In mine I was just a child at the mercy of people bigger than I. That doesn't make my trauma more valid; it just means that when I am breaking down and having flashbacks, I still feel little and totally helpless, and sometimes I need someone to be there as no one was at the time.

I think that's beautifully put MissAntiSunshine, and right on the money. 1000 likes.

 

[EverOnly358]

I like what Bell said up there... that he's having problems accepting that he can't just push away the nightmares and reactions that HE'S having and he's projecting that onto you. I couldn't explain it that well. But sometimes, maybe, and I'm only guessing here, he's saying what he thinks someone should say to HIM. It's not right, but maybe that's what's going on.

Is there a way to put this into words in a way that is personal to him, that he'd understand better? Like, "This is my war, and when I'm in battle, I need my comrade to be there and support me. I can't fight it alone. I want to be able to count on you to be at my side when I'm in the thick of it."

"You don't get it. You have always been the hunter. You don't know what it feels like to be the bird. I am the bird on the other end of the gun."

I totally loved MAS's comment, too, 1000 likes. ;D And like, I totally get the bird thing. I like rescue bugs and spiders and take them outside. {{Hugs}}

PTSD sucks. I think you're okay Moofkins, no matter what you decide. It's good if you try to get him to understand, it's good if you decide you need someone that's there for you. It's all good. (But I would probably try a little harder first. But, of course, that's my deal, I never stop trying.)

My husband does that thing, too, where it's all like I bought this house and all these things, and I'm a good Dad and I'm willing to do the dishes and help with the laundry. So isn't that enough? WELL NO! It's not enough. Because all I want is a husband who can be there for me ONCE! (Okay, maybe not just once, but once would certainly be nice.) ;)

(Sorry... this response is all over the place. But we're listening and rooting for you... that's the most important point.)

 

[Abstract]

He like to be left alone when he breaks.

I haven't read the other posts here other than the first few moofkins but does this mean that he actually prefers you not to be there for him in compassion when he is crisis?

I did wonder if this could partly be a case of you each giving each other what you individually want when you feel like that. Regardless I don't think it is that simple.

Often when people react to vulnerability in others it is a reflection of how they feel about their own vulnerability.

I also think him bringing up material things is a bit of downer. Does he really think that is what a successful relationship is about?

In his trauma, he is the monster and in mine, I'm the victim.

I think this is a profound statement. Or should be say he feels like the monster as unless he did something illegal he was doing his duty even though his was a position of power.

But this is probably the crux of a lot of differences between different types of trauma.