General Ptsd? Army Veteran Boyfriend Just Broke Up With Me Via Text... Devastated :(

[BlondeBarbie50]

Strongandsmart25--You are too sweet! Thank you SO much for your advice and kind words of encouragement! :) I can't imagine being together for 2 years and having this happen; it was hardly 2 months and I feel crushed. :(

I LOVE all your rules; I think they are great ones to abide by! I deleted him from my FB the second I got the text...but I couldn't help myself from looking at his page the next day. I no longer do that, as absolutely NO good can come of it--only more heartache.

This relationship was so passionate and different from ANYTHING I had EVER experienced with anyone. I was honestly so shocked and dumbfounded when he started isolating himself and then sent that text out of what seemed like nowhere. I just couldn't believe that the man I genuinely loved and was planning on building a life with had changed all of that in a split second. He made me feel so comfortable and safe with him, and when it all happened I felt like I had been played for a fool. I know I didn't really know him that long, and maybe it's my own fault for getting attached so quickly, but now I'm starting to learn the reasoning behind it and make sense of it all. Hearing about others' relationships and experiences that are almost identical to mine does give me a huge sense of comfort, although I wouldn't wish this feeling on even my worst enemy.

Good luck with everything!! Whether you choose to stick with your ex or not, just remember to take care of yourself first and foremost. We also deserve to be cared for and have our needs met. You are pretty fabulous too, my dear! :-)

 

[Azsun]

BlondeBarbie50, I completely understand how you said you felt played like a fool and felt that it was your fault for falling so quickly, but I really hope you know that you are not to blame. I see you doing much of the exact same things I have done in the last few months, such as reading everything you can about PTSD and joining this forum, making excuses for him and letting him treat you poorly, cancel on you, spend time on FB etc. but not have the consideration to call you when he was supposed to. It's crazy to me how similar our stories are (except for the drinking part). Please don't blame yourself or feel at fault some how for being a caring and understanding, loving person.

I recently posted how let down I was about the man I've been dating (dealing with) and wanted to know how much I should accept and be alright with because of PTSD. What I came to realize from all the wonderful replies to my post is that PTSD is not (likely not) the culprit here. Yes, he could be dealing with PTSD, but at the same time much of what my bf and (in my opinion) and your bf has done is not ptsd related. It's wrong and unacceptable behavior. If you take the possibility of PTSD out of the picture, we would normally not accept or put up with this crap form anyone.

I can totally relate to how you feel, what you've been doing and thinking. Just like you, I felt immediately safe and home with him, let my guard down and feel hard and fast, which I NEVER have done. So, I have been wanting to keep it going, it felt so right and good in the beginning. But, I have to let it go. Maybe you should too. I know it's hard because your heart has been so invested in him, but ask yourself this...how invested is he in you and your feelings and what is going on in your life? If something happened, and you needed him, would he be there?

The answer to those questions for myself were hard to take, because it saddens me so that he wouldn't be there and that he isn't as invested in my life and needs as I am in his, BUT the truth is that those things are unacceptable and I deserve better.

You deserve better too.

I am now thinking in black and white. It's either right and good, and I'm happy, or it's not right and not good, and I'm not happy, and that's it. I'm not saying you should, or that I can, just turn the feelings for him off. I am saying though that we both need to put ourselves first.

Now I feel like I'm just rambling! It's all so confusing, and I've been trying to think it out and justify so much. But the best advise I got on here today was to stop justifying and thinking, wasting my time worrying about him, and follow my "gut" that the situation is just wrong. Tomorrow,I going to get away, take a little road trip with my dogs and go hiking. I think maybe the best thing for you to do is to move on too and find someone that won't put you through this drama and questioning yourself. Take control of the situation, out yourself first, and move on.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Maybe it's not right for you. I'm just suggesting it because this is what I'm doing, and our situations are soooooooo similar, right down to the FB posts and being online when supposedly he's too busy for you. The text messages are so similar too that I jokingly questioned if we were seeing the same guy! No we are not, but he did just move to my state from GA. I'm thinking there's a club of these guys in GA, and they all have the same lines, most of them starting with "babe". I've never been called babe so much. I love it at first, but now I see it as manipulative, a way to soften and sweeten something he's doing that is disappointing for me.

BlondeBarbie, I can just relate so much to your story' and I hope that you do yourself a favor and take a real hard look at your situation and out yourself first. If he's not there with you putting you first, then he's not there with you, and maybe it's time you move on. You never know who is right around the corner! If your eyes are closed because you are so preoccupied with this guy, you will miss someone more deserving of you.

Good luck and prayers to you :)

 

[St Michael]

Barbie,
From what I have read, there is no doubt your friend has PTSD.

I have been through the unspeakable. I am tired right now but I had to touch base. I can feel your pain.

I will tell you this as an absolute...The sun will shine on you brighter than ever and you will know a love more powerful than you could ever have imagined. I know because this is what my heart knows. I have turned tragedy into triumph. Your friend will find his way...but do not enable him.

I you would like, I can share with you some of my experiences and how I turned them into strengths (and stopped screwing up my relationships).

Think Happy Thoughts!

 

[Sweetpea76]

BlondeBarbie50,

I'm so sorry you are hurting. PTSD is rough, and being in a relationship with a sufferer who is also a combat vet is a daunting experience. You have to take care of yourself too, because your partner is not always capable of being there for you.

With that being said, your post set off a few alarm bells for me (I'm an ex-Army wife from back in the day, and am currently in a relationship with a OIF vet who suffers from physical injuries and PTSD).

He is 33 and served 19 years in the Army; he became a civilian in Nov. 2011, and his current rank is Major General.

Are you maybe mistaken? He couldn't possible be a Major General after only 19 years of service... he would more likely be a Major. Also, if he is 33, then he would have been 14 when he joined up. I'm not saying this to be mean or nasty. I just am concerned that maybe he is either flinging a little BS at you, or he may be the type to "embellish" his story to impress women.

You sound like a very caring and compassionate person. I commend you for educating yourself on PTSD to be better able to understand the man you love. But just keep in mind, PTSD does not excuse rude behavior, mistreatment, or lying. You deserve better than that.

All the best luck Barbie.

 

[Nicolette]

Also, if he is 33, then he would have been 14 when he joined up.

Noting that he left in 2011 so that makes him even younger. :eek:

 

[Sweetpea76]

Exactly!!! I didn't even figure that in :O_o:

 

[VetSolvingPTSD]

Hi,

I was signed up for this forum after reading this conversation last night. Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I just broke up with my gf on May 7th as well. I'm the guy with the PTSD. I'm an Iraq vet, i was also a product of an alcoholic home, and abused To boot. So I do have PTSD. I'm not proud of this at all. Didn't even fully REALIZE it until broke up with her.

I can relate to your story because I'm the guy in it. I'm the guy that broke plans, I'm the guy that let her down, I'm the guy that said I was in it for the long haul, and I'm also the guy that is still madly in love with her.

Although I've done my research too.

My therapists,my support groups, my friends, co workers and even my healer all say that it wasn't just about me.

The relationship was absolutely codependent.

I didn't know what that meant until I felt myself so wrapped up in her life, her drama, in wanting to protect and take care of her to the point of insanity.

The book I'm reading now is called Codependent No More.

I realize that people like us with PTSD, abuse,alcohol or drug history or in their family find ourselves attracted to people that will,subconciously of course, treat us much like the people that we grew up with.

Don Miguel Ruiz (author of the popular books The Four Agreements and the Mastery of Love) talks about this.

....on a sidenote..maybe that's why my sponsor used to say that given a room full of women, that I would pick the worst one for me.

Now don't get me wrong please. I'm not trying to insult or offend you. What I'm trying to say is that it's always a two way street. It wasn't your fault entirely. Neither was it his.

I encourage you to read books on codependent relationships and on codependency in general. Because while he may have had PTSD... That may only be the surface of the problem. Those books will have advice much like what's already been said here. Go out, enjoy your life, get to a gym, get yourself some new hobbies, find what you love about you.
And keep working on yourself. Find out what type of person you were in the relationship. The taker or the caretaker.


Be well, and may your journey of healing lead you to a sunnier day

 

[strongandsmart25]

I agree - Co-Dependency definitely can and does happen to the extreme of being unhealthy (such as the reason for "Codependent no more" and other such type of books).

But guess what? Even though it is a catchy title, If you truly are codependent no more, you also won't have a relationship with someone with whom you depend on them for (healthy needs) and they depend on you.

Codependency is not a black or white, all or nothing type of thing.

If you have a relationship that is truly close and loving, then there really should be SOME codependency there. For example, if you are married or have a joint bank account together, you have to communicate, negotiate, give and take, etc. about certain overlapping responsibilities such as bills, housework, childcare, etc.

The trick is to make sure it is a healthy amount and not the type or amount that leaves one person feeling they are "nothing" without the other person and the other person feeling they are COMPLETELY responsible for all of the other person's needs and feelings - emotional, physical, fiscal, and psychological health and welfare.

When you have the all or nothing atmosphere going on, Yes, it is very toxic and filled with drama and yes, it probably is something people who grew up with drama are drawn to just because it is familiar.

Just my 2 cents. Again, I'm so much better at giving advice than taking it...sadly...:(

 

[strongandsmart25]

To be specific, my guy has PTSD (OIF vet) and also grew up with abuse and an alcoholic mom. I am not an alcoholic, I'm independent, strong, smart, educated and goal - oriented with my own opinions and thoughts. I also try to be kind, patient, loving , patient and sensitive but not sure I am all that most of the time. I'm a work in progress....

I think he was attracted to me initially b/c of the drama I had with my work and my ex who was abusive. Well, there is no more drama with my ex. He's in a stable relationship with a woman who holds all the cards and thus keeps him in line. He treats me with respect and sees the kids regularly. Zero drama now, there. As far as work, I changed jobs and am happy now at work, too. So, zero work drama, too.

All in all - I am pretty drama free which, guess what, apparently has turned me into a less desirable gf !! Seriously. Even though he claims the exact opposite, I have found that he was much more attracted to me when he saw me as the struggling heroine battling against all odds and evil forces and then completely repelled when I would reach out to him.

Now that I am just a regular mortal doing my thing and fine with whatever he is doing, he is completely confused because he has no understanding of being with someone who is not totally dependent on him or whom he is not completely dependent on either.

He thinks he has "white knight syndrome"...lol...well, I told him if that is true, you are a pretty crappy White Knight ! Because he sure didn't rescue me!

I did that all by myself and I'm very glad I did and would not have it any other way...! :)

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I'm glad others brought up the problems with the math and the rank, because I think this guy spread a lot of stuff pretty thick. To be a Major General is an officer position, so you also have to add on his college years. He couldn't even have gotten a commission before age 22, then add the 19 years of service, he'd be at least 41. To be Major General usually doesn't happen until around age 50.

I see other holes and while I know you are hurting, I think you should thank your lucky stars that this relationship didn't work out. I don't see this as a PTSD issue, just a B.S. issue.

Best wishes and I hope you find someone that deserves your care and attention.

 

[Sftbll2003]

BlondeBarbie50, what ever happened to your relationship? My relationship sounds exactly like yours. He came on so strong for 3 months, I got upset about something and asked him about it and boom! He ended the relationship. He said "I'm done. I don't have to take the BS, I'm done and you can't change my mind". A few days later he told me he was sorry but it just wasn't going to work because he needed his time and there is no need to try to change his mind because his mind was made up. But then he said "if it's meant to be, it will be".

I have his house keys and he has mine. He asked me what I wanted to do about the keys, I told him I would call him back because I was at work and I couldn't think about that without crying. He told me to go ahead and finish working. Before we hung up I asked him if this was it, was I not going to hear back from him or was he going to call me back. He responded, "Yeah, I'll call you when I'm ready to talk to you". I called him back after work to discuss the keys but he didn't answer. He hasn't bothered to text or call me back. What does all of this mean? I'm trying to give him his space and time. I'm just like you, I do not come on strong at all but although it was only 3 months there was a connection, he is my soul mate and now I do not know how to handle the situation.

If I had known that a disagreement would have caused all of this I would have kept my mouth shut! All couples have their disagreements, I thought it was just a simple disagreement, but he ended it. I hurt so bad because he came on so strong, we talked about the future and everything. He told me he loved me and my place was with him, and then a week later (because of the disagreement) he said he was done.

I also feel the same way you do about being there through better or worse. When he broke up with him, I told him this was just a rock in the road and we can get around it. I told him I wanted to be there for him not matter what. He told me his life sucks and he is not going to let me suffer with him. Will he eventually call me back? I know he loves me, I saw it in his eyes and heard it in his voice even when he wasn't so nice.

 

[Nicolette]

If I had known that a disagreement would have caused all of this I would have kept my mouth shut!

Here in lies a problem. If you kept your mouth shut on this then you would not be true to yourself correct? The biggest mistake is to tip toe around being too scared to say anything. Timing is everything with PTSD as knowing when to pick your battles and knowing what is worth the argument and what is not however you will destroy your self if you think that keeping your mouth shut. There are some times when no matter how hard you try there will also never be "the right time". All that being said here is more likely the real issue....

he came on so strong, we talked about the future and everything

He overloaded. Can't say if he will come back or not but you have to decide on how long you will wait and then, if nothing, you need to let go or this illness can chew away and consume your own self esteem.