Somebody Please Help Me. Was This Sexual Abuse??

[Foteco]

At that age, in that context, I might call it bullying rather than sexual abuse. I have to agree that sexual exploration in children is normal. The kind of things you're describing sound age appropriate to me. The fact that you didn't consent obviously means that it wasn't play for you. But I would hesitate to call it sexual abuse. He was a child himself and from how you describe it, I think it sounds like the behaviour of a bully more than the behaviour of a sexual predator.

 

[Uzas]

Hmm bullying is definitely one I did not consider! Thank you for bringing that one into the mix! I'll definitely have to think about that for a while. I'm surprised it hasn't come up before.

-OP

 

[Ipeme]

Ok, I'm the one that triggered but I've calmed down now. Currently my memories are linked together so when I think of one bad memory a ton of others come flooding back and I can quickly become overwhelmed.

I was around the same age as the OP when I was getting bullied everyday. I am fine with calling it "bullying" even though that term can encompass everything from teasing to bashing someone's head in. This boy would shove his finger into me WITH FORCE and if he "hit the jackpot" (got all the way up) he would celebrate in front of me by jumping up and down and cheering while I stood there with tears in my eyes from the pain. I remember the pain because it was unique from the other kinds of pain I felt before.

I had a reasonably rough and tumble childhood and we resolved most disputes by punching each other, but this boy was an early bloomer and he was unusually large compared to the rest of us, so fighting him was a losing proposition.

This was not my PTSD trauma. After my psychiatric evaluation I think my original trauma was physical abuse in early childhood, though there were lots of traumas after that, however as I said my memories chain together so I can get PTSD symptoms from this memory sometimes. Personally, I don't excuse him because he was a child. He tormented me over and over and celebrated in front of me when he was clearly hurting me.

After this experience I understand why the NFL has a penalty for excessive celebration. Watching someone gleefully dancing around and cheering over their "victory" over you while your anger mounts.

 

[Zepuzup]

Okay, I think that this may have been sexual exploration on his part, but not yours. I think you were bullied into it. You have the symptoms of someone who was sexually abused. Regardless of how this scenario may have affected some one else, this is how this effected you.

 

[Uwidu]

You have the symptoms of someone who was sexually abused.

The OP has said:

And I have a general fear and distrust of men, although I did have other significant incidences in my life that could have caused that.

It could be other things that caused the symptoms. I don't think you can work backwards from the symptoms and say this particular thing was sexual abuse. The other significant incidences seem to be being ignored in this discussion, including by the OP.

 

[Evola]

I went based by what she said. I don't think I was ignoring anything.

 

[Alora]

The OP has said:


It could be other things that caused the symptoms. I don't think you can work backwards from the symptoms and say this particular thing was sexual abuse. The other significant incidences seem to be being ignored in this discussion, including by the OP.

OP here. When you say "The other significant incidences seem to be being ignored," I'm assuming you're referring to what you quoted from my original post? Or do you think there's something else I mentioned that we have been ignoring?

I'm fairly certain you're referring to the line you quoted so I'll just address that one. If you meant something else, let me know. I don't know if your quote shows up when I quote you so I'll just repost the line... "And I have a general fear and distrust of men, although I did have other significant incidences in my life that could have caused that."

The significant incidences I'm referring to are that my brother was emotionally abusive to me and my dad was borderline physically abusive to my brother (never me). The ONLY part of the story I posted that these incidences affected was, as I said, my general fear and distrust of men. My apologies for not making that clear enough. Those incidences made me afraid of men who yell, who are aggressive, who are mean; I can't trust men; they scare me. They DID NOT cause me to have an extreme fear of sex or intimacy to the point that I have near panic attacks whenever I'm in bed with a guy. I literally only meant that my general fear of men could have come from them too. The way I dressed and acted did a complete 180 immediately after I moved away from this kid. For example, I refused to wear tank tops or shorts above my knees or any kind of "v-neck" or "scoop neck" shirt. Two-piece bathing suits were out of the question. I went from wearing only skirts and dresses to only baggy jeans and soccer t-shirts. I would literally FREAK OUT if my mom tried to put me in anything that I thought might reveal too much skin (like my shoulders! God forbid!). I also became extremely quiet and shy and moody. However, the emotional abusiveness from my brother didn't even start until almost a year later when he started middle school. Before that he just did normal mean big brother things that all big brothers do to their annoying little sisters. And believe me, there WAS a difference in these behaviors.

I purposely left my original post vague because I didn't want to put too many revealing details on the internet that could potentially be traced back to me. Highly unlikely, but the thought was there. However, I now realize that leaving this stuff out has actually made my situation a bit harder to understand. Hopefully this clears things up a bit more.

Thanks to you both for contributing. Those are both interesting perspectives to consider.

-OP

 

[Ulize]

Hm I just re-read my last post, and even still it comes off as though my fear of men is the reason I fear sex. To me, the fears feel different and are separate. One is like, "I can't trust you or depend on you, and if you ever yell at me or purposely put me down, I will never forgive you." The other is like, "holy f*cking shit for the love of god please please please stop touching me or I might actually have a heart attack and die. I think I'm suffocating." Even that doesn't really do it justice. I don't know how to convey just how completely different those fears are so we may be at an impasse.

But I still appreciate all the different opinions I'm getting. And please, keep justifying your answers as long as you want.

-OP

 

[Cowevo]

If you didn't consent to it and it caused this much trauma I would say it's sexual abuse. One person forcing another to do sexual acts against their will is sexual abuse regardless of age.

 

[Viwuna]

Have you talked to a therapist about this?

 

[Ote]

If this had happened between two adults, it would definitely be sexual abuse. If this isn't abuse at what age would it have become abuse?
There are definitely adults who don't understand the concept of consent. (I'm about to give an example of this, so trigger warning perhaps?)

For example, two people might meet at a party. Person A might take home person B who is quite drunk and proceed to have sex with person B. This is clearly rape, but it could be possible that person A might actually believe that because person B seemed to be into them earlier that night, because person B chose to get that drunk, because person B chose to go home with person A, and because person B, under the influence of alcohol, did not say no, that it is consensual, even if it is a little sketchy.
That situation is rape by every definition. Person B might experience that as rape. Person A might not experience it as rape at all simply because Person A did not understand that drunk sex is not consensual sex. Person A's lack of understanding of what consent is doesn't change the fact that Person A performed a rape.

To draw a parallel, in the OP's situation, the boy in question may not have understood that what he was doing was non-consensual, but it still could have been. I don't think that we can define whether or not sexual abuse occurred based on what this boy's understanding of sexuality was, ESPECIALLY considering that we have know way of knowing what was going on in his head. I think it has to be defined more by the experiences of the OP. Basically OP can only answer this question for OP's self. (Which I know is a frustrating answer OP and not what you were looking for, but I really believe it's true.) Trusting your feelings in these situations can be difficult but important. If you feel violated, then perhaps it's because you were violated. If you don't feel violated, perhaps it was because what happened was okay for you. (Which isn't to say that it would be okay for someone else, but these things can be individual...)

 

[Iwu]

OP here... I think I'm slowly starting to accept that what you said is true, that I am the only one who can truly answer my own question. This is such a hard concept to accept though. I felt extremely violated then, and I have panic attacks now when I think about it or if I'm in a similar situation, but just in this thread alone it's obvious that there are so many different interpretations of what happened. I think that is what is hardest for me to accept. Like I said before, if it had been an adult doing this to me, I would 100% understand that it was considered abuse. But knowing that it was another kid and that the situation can be interpreted in so many different ways is hard to wrap my head around. I'm slowly learning to accept that only I can define it but I'm still constantly struggling to accept that other people may disagree and that their opinions don't truly matter because it was my experience.

Thank you to everyone for giving me all of these perspectives to consider and letting me bounce ideas around with you. It really has been helpful in processing all of this. Feel free to keep contributing, even if your opinion has already been mentioned. I appreciate everyone's input!

-OP