Anyone Have These Memory Problems?

[Abstract]

I have had some seriously embarrassing work situations when it comes to not being able to think. I also have issues talking at times.My mouth freezes up or my vocal cords do.

I have had a situation where I was being videoed for something to do with some recognition I received and just sitting there initially for ages followed by the most ridiculously unsophisticated language and odd grammar mistake. Scrambled brain syndrome!

A little unrelated but you might like to read this thread: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/random-acts-of-inattention.29506/

 

[BLHutch]

I use to take pride in my memory. I spent the latter half of my law enforcement career as a detective. I could memorize whole case files and quote witness statements verbatim. Defense Attorneys would try to trip me up with small detail questions on the stand and never succeeded. I could read a book and a year later quote passages from it.

Then came PTSD. Now I can't remember anything. My long term memory is okay. But it is like I have no short term memory at all. Just like Barberian said in his post, I can walk into a room and forget why I am there. I can loose a thought mid sentence. Since my law enforcement career is over now (due to back related issues, not PTSD), I am teaching History at a local community college. I have done this as a part time deal for nine years. I've never had these kind of problems before. Now I can't remember anything. I was once considered to be one of the best lecturers in the department. Now I have to type up my lectures verbatim as though I have a script. And even with that I blank on things on a regular basis. When it happens in class, I just make a joke about it with my students. The first time it happened I was horribly embarrassed. Then I had a flashback in class and those memory lapses didn't seem so embarrassing anymore!

So I know how you feel. It sucks!

 

[Abstract]

Hi Falling,
How are you doing? :peeking:

 

[LEMMING]

Hi, I've had this problem for years, at first believing it to be the start of the menopause until HRT took hold. Guess what! No change. Still forget words, mime out the action ie the word 'folder' got stuck so used my hands to mime putting papers in the folder, a colleague guessed from that to help me, bless her! If I did it at home, my spouse used to sit quietly smirking or guessing ridiculous things. I found this response very annoying frustrating and disrespectful, do any of you know that awful feeling that you're being ridiculed for their fun? My heart goes out to you all, it just adds to the feeling of being stupid as I was told many times. I hope you find a reminder that helps you, I have a calendar beside my bed and use sticky pads of paper if I run out of space. Sending hugs if needed.

 

[falling]

Thank you all for responding. It's nice I know I'm not the only one that has had moments like this. The memory thing is clearly due to my lack of being able to concentrate. I believe it's a direct consequence from PTSD and dissociation. I am concerned about it but I am trying to remind myself to take things one day at a time and not to worry about everything, including my inability to articulate as well as before. I'm just glad I'm here, fighting for tomorrow.

 

[Dissociation]

I think that you can rember so well the time in which you suffered the abuse because in that time the only wrong thing was your abuser. So your mind is like telling you that all the rest was ok and you need to remember that. In some way now not everything is ok, and that's why your brain doesn't work properly.

I don't know if I explained myself. :confused:

 

[Abstract]

The memory thing is clearly due to my lack of being able to concentrate. I believe it's a direct consequence from PTSD and dissociation

That sounds very likely from what you described @falling. The good thing is that once you deal with the trauma then these things should improve. It isn't as if you have always had this from what you described.

I think acceptance and patience is a wonderful way of approaching it when we can do that. Radical Acceptance is my best thing and changed my life.

 

[falling]

Thanks Abstract. I agree and am trying everything I can at the moment to over come the PTSD and depression. I'm seeking a new Psychologist as well as my regular Therapist for CBT. Then I also see a counselor at the sexual abuse center for tips on grounding and such. Three mental health professionals, one anti-depressant, one anti-anxiety rxn and now sleeping pills have been added to the mix. How did I get so messed up?Oh, right my shit life thus far.

My Mother is in town for a visit and it's causing problems for me. She constantly lies about the way we grew up and the type of Mother she was. It's disgusts me. I've been biting my tongue so my daughter can have a fun visit with her Grandma. I soooo want to ask her about the times I remember her hitting me and such but I'm sure she'll only deny it. She never takes accountability for anything. Funny thing is she knows I'm off work and depressed and such but she keeps telling me how great her life is right now. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it does. I would never run my happiness in my daughters face if she was having such a difficult time. Just another example of how self centered she is.

Sorry for my Mother rant...didn't mean to do that.

 

[Abstract]

Falling, I knew I saw a post of yours somewhere.

Very impressed with all the measures you have taken treatment wise!

My Mother is in town for a visit a

This always causes major issues for me at the time and afterwards! :(

constantly lies

It is disgusting and this type of invalidation and gaslighting sometimes feels like one of the most harmful things I find.

I don't know why it bothers me so

For me it is a sign that I still have not fully accepted and grieved who she really is. Also often a link to many betrayals that have not been processed. I think once we accept that they are never going to be the good mother and are not suddenly going to do all the things we need then it doesn't get under the skin quite as much and we can keep our emotional distance more. But doing that feels like a full death though. A death of the fictional mother.

I hope you are surviving. Remember your daughter needs her mother in one piece so if you need to get rid of your mother then do.

 

[falling]

Thanks for that Abstract. Your words are true to the point and I now realize that my Mother will never be a Mom.

During her stay I had confronted her with many of the things that have caused my low self worth, etc and she out right denied hitting me. As I expected. To the others----allowing an alcoholic to hit on me and then allowing him to live with us after I told her of his advances(I was a teenager and he was 40'ish yrs old), her constant negative language towards me(ex-one xmas eve she told me she wished I had walked home in the snow storm(45min walk) instead of driving to come get me), the list goes on from there....

She first said she had already apologized to me for those things(she had NOT), then she belittled the events, then she said she didn't have a choice(her alcoholic bf had control over her), then she said it was cause she had such a negative childhood, then she said she wasn't going to let anyone including me tear her down....it was exhausting.

When I was a teenager my Mothers bf (who was an alcoholic) and his alcoholic friend lived with us. During that time the 'friend' would constantly make sexual advances towards me. My Mom's bf would encourage it. I eventually told my Mother and she said she would'take care of it'. Instead she continued to let him live with us and he continued to hit on me. What kind of message did she think that sent me???I now know that her 'let me take care of it' was her way of telling me not to say anything to upset her bf. She did nothing to protect me. As usual.

Her bf threatened my life more than once by loading a shot gun and pretending to shoot me.

She failed to ever allow me to feel safe and I never remember being physically cared for by her. I was constantly told I didn't matter and I was taught to hid all feelings, remain unseen and don't cause ripples.

And I did just that. As a result I hated myself and lived a reckless life style in college which eventually lead to my being drugged and raped. I guess I kind of blame her for that even though I know she is not to blame. But still what if she had treated me differently???
In anycase I can no longer pretend for her. I told her I remember the things she did and I will no longer pretend those things don't bother me. I refuse to act like she was a good mother and I refuse to sit by quietly, biting my tongue when she tells 'stories' of how she cared for me and my sister like a mother should. I cannot be around her anymore and luckily for me I'm now an adult so I HAVE CONTROL now.

Well, I'm off to see my psychologist....

 

[Britt.f7]

My mother had the same selective memory. To the day she died she denied she ever tried to choke me. Thankfully my sister was there that day so I know I am not alone in that memory. She would deny things she said, and I would ask her, why would I want to think you did something that horrible?! We had a major time out in my twenties in which I didn't have much to do with her. It wasn't until she started coming around and not saying the things she use to, treating me better, that our relationship finally developed. I was in my thirties by then.

 

[falling]

Did she eventually take responsibility for the choking?