I Have To Tell Them Soon

[bell]

I agree with everything that has been said regarding keep it simple. Just because someone is your sorority sister does not mean they have your back. Does it mean that you'll be "sisters" for life, etc? Yes. But that is not the same as having your back and being there for you.

At present, you have no reason to tell them the whole story, because as @Lifeline said, they have not "earned" it. Until someone "earns" it, just tell them you don't want to get drunk. End of story. And if they don't understand and pressure you once you've said that, then chances are high they won't have your back should you tell them your whole story.

I say this as someone who drank a ton in my 20s and tried to coerce others to do the same many times. I did because I wanted them to be as messed up as me, not because I cared about them as a friend. Those that I honestly cared about, I respected their wishes, whatever they were, without needing a full explanation. When you're drinking a lot and getting drunk, you end up (over time) having friendships that are based around alcohol and little else. It wasn't until I stopped getting wasted until I found out who my real friends were... everyone else fell away and got drunk with other people until they either wasted their whole lives or wised up.

 

[Britt.f7]

I agree, people have to earn it to hear it. Definitely a trust issue. If you decide to tell, you must be prepared for those who will still just not "get it" and who will not have your back. You have to do what you feel comfortable with. I think if you were 100% comfortable with the idea you wouldn't be discussing it with us. Hopefully, before that night, you will gain enough of their respect in your desire not to get drunk that they will lose interest.

 

[Eleanor]

What possible justification is there for encouraging someone to drink if they don't want to?

IMHO anyone who is willing to violate your boundaries in this "soft" kind of coercive way is not a good risk for trusting with sensitive information. Particularly if they are likely to get drunk after you tell them.

How is this story supposed to end? How do you WANT it to end?

 

[Orglethorp]

I would like to be able to say that I trust all 5 of these girls completely, but I just plain don't trust the youngest one. She's also the one who came up with this plan to get me drunk next weekend in the first place. We have a sorority meeting tomorrow, so I think I'm going to try to make her mention it so I can have a little chat about respect.

I would really like to be able to let all of them in on this. PTSD does not define me, no, but it does affect me, and I don't like hiding it. I want these girls to have a little insight for the days when depression is winning, or when I get unreasonably upset or shut down on something seemingly small. I want them to know not to take it personally, and that they're allowed to call me out, because they'll probably notice those things first. I want them to understand why I don't jump into bed after a 3rd date so that they can think twice before asking if I've done that yet every time I hang out with a guy. I want them to understand why I hate talking about my father, so that they can stop asking.

 

[therapybankrupt]

@Orglethorp No shame in PTSD. No need to hide. Of course PTSD affects you. Do whats in your heart! Only you can know what you can handle. Friends with good boundaries should not be making you feel you have to explain your life. You could just tell them you do not want to talk about your father or your love life and they should respect that. It is not their business, Everyone has bad days and if they are your friend they should after your apology if you have done something off just except that as that. You can remind them of that to. You are human!

 

[Eleanor]

If you are looking at this as a "teachable moment" perhaps you could tell them that you have PTSD from a precollege trauma (unspecified) and tell them that it has taught you a lot about yourself, and healthy boundaries etc. That sex should be in the context of a loving relationship... etc. etc. It has also taught you that while we each have a great deal of control over our emotions, and total control over our actions that we have to practice regulating our emotions, and learn a lot of wisdom before we can count on ourselves to not do what in my hometown was called "wicked stupid stuff."

I think you are entitled to NOT talk about anything at all you want. Early Chinese painting. George Eliot novels. The libertarian wing of the Republican party. Cheese dip. Anything. Including family members, former teachers, the checkout lady at the grocery story. You needn't explain yourself. If they keep asking they are being rude. Just change the subject.:angelic:

A story: a guy walks into a bar, he is missing one hand just above the wrist. The guy sitting two stools down on the bar keeps staring at his not-hand. The guy says, "Can I ask you a question?" Handless man says, "Ok." Guys says, "I'm sorry to stare and be so rude, but, how did you lose your hand?" HM says, "I'd rather not talk about it." Guy drinks his beer for a while, but can't help it, he keeps looking at the stump. After a while he says to HM, "I know it must be a painful memory, but I am really curious, how did you lose your hand?" HM says, "Look, I just want to have a drink in peace. It is none of your business. Leave me alone." Time passes. Guy says, "I'll buy all your drinks for the evening, and I'm really sorry, I am just dying to know, please out of mercy, will you tell me how you lost your hand?" HM, thoroughly exasperated says,'Fine. Alright, I'll tell you how I lost it on one condition. Once I tell you NO MORE QUESTIONS." Guy, "Sure, great. Anything you say." HM, taking a deep breath says, "It was bit off.":D

 

[Luigi]

Just a couple of things:

1. One useful response when people ask about your family/religion/sexuality/health is 'that's a little too personal for today'.....which works pretty well.

2. You are the only person in control of whether you get drunk. Watch your own drinks. Being goaded doesn't mean you have to react. All you really need to say is that you have a medical condition that your doctor suggests you keep your drinking very limited. End of discussion. In fact, that leaves you another opening later to talk about the PTSD.

3. I don't like you having to expose yourself to get a break from being pushed.

4. Most people are more easily triggered under the influence of alcohol (I drink, but I think it's wise to keep it limited).

This is kind of rough.....it's a hard decision. I just don't want you to do more than you want because you feel trapped. I hope that helps.

 

[Orglethorp]

Just as an update, no one brought this up during our meeting on Monday. The sister who will be in charge of initiation (we're just finding these details out piece by piece as they become relevant, since this is the first time we're running initiation) happens to be the one girl out of those who don't know yet who I think would be most likely to understand. I've been wanting to tell her about my PTSD, because I trust her a lot, and knowing that she's already a supporter of someone else in her life who's dealing with anxiety and depression, I know she wouldn't take it the wrong way. I think if things get out of hand, I could probably mention something to her.

 

[digger]

I think if things get out of hand, I could probably mention something to her.

If you trust her, why not mention things to her beforehand so she could step in before things got out of hand and so that you would feel more confident that there was someone who would rather than just guessing that someone might?

 

[Britt.f7]

Just reading your title and thinking you don't "have" to do anything you don't want to do. I do think you want to tell them. At least the basics. Go ahead, tell them what you are comfortable with. Nothing wrong with that. Just remember, how they handle it has more to do with themselves then you.

 

[jmni]

Honestly I think you are just immature in assuming that you would need to do this or there should be any reason for doing this. As soon as you say you have ptsd and explain what it is, the next question is from what. It's actually very unprofessional thing to share this kind of personal information and there could be consequences. Also you are on putting them on the spot by sharing this information, which is not very fair of you. All they wanted to do was get you drunk. If you don't want to drink, just say you will not get drunk. It's all unnecessary.

 

[digger]

It's actually very unprofessional thing to share this kind of personal information

Maybe I'm misunderstanding the whole sorority thing - is it a professional organisation? I thought it was some kind of club/group of friends?

which is not very fair of you

Again, maybe I'm just misunderstanding the sorority thing, but why is it unfair to share this information with someone you consider to be a friend?

Honestly I think you are just immature in assuming that you would need to do this or there should be any reason for doing this.

Why is it immature? The OP is obviously thinking ahead and has concerns which she is trying to sound out ahead of any issues arising and has an awareness that sometimes situations don't go how you want them to and that you can end up feeling pressured into doing things you don't want to do (To be honest I have more issues around the whole initiation thing with regard to that), thinking about what you are doing ahead of the situation isn't something I'd associate with being immature. Maybe blurting out your problems to anyone and everyone, yes, but giving time and consideration to who you want to share this information with, no.