Is This Assault?

[Honoga]

Hi all,

Just a clarifying point, this is not my PTSD trauma, but it has been weighing heavily on my mind.

I was just wondering if someone might provide some clarification about something that happened a while back. I was in a long term relationship when I had most of my “firsts,” and I have felt for a while that many things were not consensual.



One example is that often my partner would ask me beforehand if he could do something. I would say no. We would mess around for a bit, and then eventually he would do the thing that I had said no to. (Keep in mind it could be up to a half hour later). I would always kind of freeze up, but I felt like I could not say no again. (I felt like I couldn’t say anything at all!) I think if I had said no he would have stopped, but I didn’t. 


Another time something like this happened and I kind of froze up and started crying and kind of whimpering. I did say stop, but it was pretty quiet, so I think he could have not heard. And maybe he thought the sounds from my crying was me enjoying it. I am not sure. I wanted to tell him to stop again, but I felt like I couldn’t talk. 



I think that he might have known at the time that I had trouble asserting myself because I grew up in an abusive home. I also think that maybe my decision making wasn’t that clear at the time because a lot of this happened shortly after my dad passed away. That also makes it complicated because my memories of this happening are pretty hazy as are all of my memories from around that time. 



Basically I contacted him recently to ask about things between us and brought this up. He agreed that much of what happened was not consensual. He apologized.

So would what happened here be considered assault/abuse? Or is it just non-consensual? Is there a difference? I think knowing how to call this would be helpful.

Thanks!

 

[Dodamu]

No, there isn't a difference between non-consensual and abuse. I think there are people who prey on those who have been previously abused, simply because we don't make too much fuss, and they can get away with it by confusing us.

 

[Kigeva]

We would mess around for a bit, and then eventually he would do the thing that I had said no to. (Keep in mind it could be up to a half hour later). I would always kind of freeze up, but I felt like I could not say no again... I think if I had said no he would have stopped, but I didn’t. 


You did say no. Half an hour is irrelevant. You didn't tell him you'd changed your mind. You said no.

Another time something like this happened and I kind of froze up and started crying and kind of whimpering. I did say stop, but it was pretty quiet, so I think he could have not heard. And maybe he thought the sounds from my crying was me enjoying it.

I doubt it. I think most men would check, anyway. More likely:

I think that he might have known at the time that I had trouble asserting myself because I grew up in an abusive home.

It definitely sounds like he was taking advantage of that. Waiting a bit after you'd said no, pretending he didn't know you were crying... sounds like he might have wanted to kid himself as well as you, but I'm afraid that doesn't make it less abusive. Just less honest.

 

[Ladov]

Non-assertiveness on your part can lead to abuse by someone (him) who behaves in a predatory manner towards people that are vulnerable (you). It is/was abuse, and it's rare that someone would admit it and apologize. I think you got lucky there.

 

[Honoga]

OP here- Thanks all for the feedback. I think I know this to be true, but because I work with victims of sexual assault and have a few good friends who have been assaulted/abused in ways that were more violent, I think it is hard for me to claim this as my own. I will keep working on being able to name this experience and come to terms with it. I welcome any more feedback.