Hi CCU, and Welcome! Glad you not only found us, but that you posted.
i hope i am making sense and not waffling on
......you make perfect sense to me.
Even though I don't now share the same feelings as I once did in my past. I do get to feeling very low and desperate still, but I have something I didn't use to have which is both my treasured set of Working tools, for managing my PTSD, as well as support from good people;
Not the sometimes well-intentioned but clueless and other times the ill-motivated people that use to offer me their support, or that I got stuck with.
i just have to see im not the only one suffering with this thing as this is how it feels all the time im alone.i sit out side crying through the memories i carry 24/7
CCU, stick around here and you'll see you're not the only one suffering; This is for sure. But, you might be one of the few that find your way through and into completely accepting, living with and while managing your PTSD; This is my goal, as I have family too. It's up to you and the many lengths you're willing, or not willing to go to.
Life or Death ?
The crying that you do is great, it's all constructive, especially when it is your grief. I Really hope you can seek, connect with and find another, even if only sometimes, to do this with, as crying and in this way is most especially healing.
I agree with Eagle, in that it does get better down the road. It may hurt again, even terribly so, but it does not have that lasting, unending effect. Afterwards, PTSD and trauma again becomes less painful and easier to live with.
Yrs. back I use to not be able to spend a moment alone without suffering and feeling so lost and desperate, but this has sometime back greatly improved and can do likewise for you as well.
I know it's hard to believe but self-esteem, love for others, joy and PTSD can co-exist.
Please, don't be so hard on yourself and do take whatever available and necessary, persistent actions you can to help you heal and so you'e not left feeling so alone. Their is always hope and that likelihood you'll see and reap healing rewards for you and your family.
Wishing you & family, the best.
Hope