Ptsd, Dissociation Or Aspergers?

[thedarkestrose]

Hello,
I'm not entirely sure how to start these, but I would like some help diagnosing (unofficially) what I have, so that when I go to my GP, I can explain what I have a bit better. (My GP is a bit bad at their job. I went there for depression once and all they did was bung me pills and send me on my way. Didn't even ask for my symptoms...)
I'll try to explain this as best as I can, but I am not good at saying what I feel. I'm a bit ashamed of it all...

When I was growing up, my Dad would have a foul temper, and once when I was in year 8 in high school, I think, he punched a hole in the bathroom door which had to stay there for about a year until it could be fixed. I hated having friends over, and now they don't even want to come round (I always go round theirs). He never physically hurt me, or any of my other family, but he would constantly rip into me and mum. After he would be ll lovey dovey and make up, but we are all constantly walking on egg shells. At one time, when I didn't answer my phone to him in class, he waited until I got home where he smashed my phone in with a sledgehammer. We had all our holiday photos on that phone. :/
It still goes on, and a few days ago we had a massive row because my little brother is turning into Dad, except for he hits me when he doesn't get his own way. He's 14, and Dad excuses his behaviour saying that it's because of puberty and it can't be helped.
In school I was bullied mercilessly since Nursery, and I can't remember much about 2008, other than what I have from a few diaries which detail suicide attempts and self harm (which I haven't fully recovered from). I also have the memory of mum finding out about my cutting and arguing with me, yelling "well why don't you just go cut yourself then?"

So that is my background. Now onto the symptoms.
I can't remember when it started, but in Primary School I was called a bit of a day dreamer, because I could never concentrate fully and I was always staring into space. I can't remember that far back, but I do remember one instance where I was on my own reading by the wall, as usual, and two girls from my year crept up to me and slammed my head into the wall. That was the first instance I have of receding into my head.
The best way I can explain the experiences is:

1. Like, I could be sitting in my room at 8pm, and all of a sudden its 10pm. I don’t close my eyes or anything like that. I just kinda recede back into my head and lose track of time. This also happens when I am in a car or train or something.
2. Or I could be up and about and completely active, but it’s like I am not even me. Not like an out of body experience or anything, like I can’t actually see myself. It’s more like I am just trapped in my head, looking out. I can’t talk but I can move around and do stuff, but not necessarily of my own volition. I can’t feel my hands moving, but they do. It’s like a part of my brain has shut down or something. I can’t feel it. Everything is so robotic in this mode...
3. And the third one is probably the worst, and I don’t get it often, but it is like a combination of the above two, but with flashbacks and all the evil thoughts I keep locked away. I have been able to keep movement the past few times, but that was through talking to the three friends who know about this and just not giving myself the chance to zone out to the extent I once did. This is the type of one where, when I wake back up I have scars and marks, and it takes a while for it all to come back to me.

I also have a proclivity for sleepwalking and sleep talking, but that is only during times of extreme stress, and might not have anything to do with anything, but I thought I might as well bring it up...

My mood also switches drastically. Sometimes I am a little girl basically trapped in a teenager’s body. I can control my actions in this mode, but I just can't be an adult. A five year old with a teenager’s knowledge. Everything amuses me and I will question everything, no matter how trivial. I will play with toys and will enjoy life. It is the best feeling in the world. I also get incredibly confused in this mode, and I have to rely on my friend to make decisions for me (he had to fill in my Uni application form for me because I couldn't concentrate on it for long enough). Whenever we cross the road I hold onto his coat because I am not safe on my own, cos my judgement is not that good.

I also have another side of me, which is the better side for society. I can be so incredibly overconfident and can lead discussions and flirt outrageously and be funny and do stupid things like hop on a train to nowhere for a day. It is like the perfect version of me. The one that I get switched to when I am forced into people's attention.

And then there is me. I don't exactly know what me is, but I guess it's that middle person, if I look at it on a scale. But it's me that gets all the flashbacks and disappearing acts when I am left on my own. Fun.
I can't exactly tell when my personality has shifted until partway through the act, when I think;

To Other: "Hey, my shoulders don't ache any more!"
To Sexy: "Oh I look good!"
To Child: "Oh my god! Look at that cloud, dog, shadow ect."

Some of the symptoms I have are also apparent in Aspergers Syndrome, and I am going to go and get diagnosed next year, but if I am seeing a Psych, then I might as well bring up my other concerns because something isn't too right here, and I would like it sorted...

Sorry for it being so long, but I would like some opinions on this, and it seemed necessary to include everything...

 

[WillyKat]

Welcome to the forum!

All I can say is that some of those symptoms sound to me like they could be dissociation and that raises the possibility of PTSD. It could also be a few other things. Your personal history growing up is also consistent with people having PTSD. As for the other "personalities" you mention, I feel uncomfortable commenting on that.

As for Aspergers, I know virtually nothing about it so I won't comment.

The main thing is that no one can diagnose you over the internet. You might see several comments like mine and more to come that might make you tempted to label yourself as having this or that. But my advice is to get a real diagnosis from a qualified professional 1x1 and not rely too much on what you see here.

Are you seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist? From reading your post, it sounded like you've seen a GP, and a GP probably isn't the right kind of specialist to diagnose PTSD or any other ...D that includes dissociation as a symptom. Go see a psychologist that specializes in trauma or abuse recovery. The psychologist may recommend a psychiatrist if medications are called for.

I'd also suggest browsing through the Articles section of the forum.

 

[Abstract]

I think chatting things through can help to formulate our ideas and express them to a professional. As willkat said it is very important to get a professional to the diagnosing and not us here.:) Agree too that it needs to be a psychiatrist and I would try to ensure it is one that is knowledgeable in the areas of PTSD and asbergers since those are concerns for you.

Some of what you describe sounds very much like dissociation. Look up depersonalisation and derealisation and dissociative trance if you want to find out more.

Feeling very different at different times can be about a lot of different things. Would you like to discuss what you mean by flashbacks? What do they entail?

I believe the suicide attempts would probably qualify you for criterion A for PTSD if not the other stuff. Not at all saying there are not other things that would but that would be in the detail of things that happened.

What makes you think you have asbergers and has someone suggested this too you?

One of the mistakes I made for a long time is that I just did not think to mention many things to a profession. It isn't as if they were not important. It was rather that they just were and I am not used to speaking about my inner world. Because of that I would have greatly benefited from reading the criteria so that I would be reminded to mention relevant information.

[DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/articles/posttraumatic-stress-disorder.7/[/DLMURL]
Diagnostic Criteria for 309.81 (F43.10) Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

Note: The following criteria apply to adults, adolescents, and children older than 6 years. For children 6 years and younger, see corresponding criteria.

A. Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways:

1. Directly experiencing the traumatic event(s),
2. Witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others,
3. Learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. In cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent and accidental.
4. Experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains; police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse).

Note: Criterion A4 does not apply to exposure to electronic media, television, movies, or pictures, unless the exposure is work related.

B. Presence of one (or more) of the following intrusion symptoms associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred:

1. Recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive distressing memories of the traumatic event(s) Note: In children older than 6 years, repetitive play may occur in which themes or aspects of the traumatic event(s) are expressed.
2. Recurrent distressing dreams in which the content and/or affect of the dream are related to the traumatic event(s). Note: In children, there may be frightening dreams without recognizable content.
3. Dissociative reactions (e.g., flashbacks) in which the individual feels or acts as if the traumatic event(s) were recurring. (Such reactions may occur on a continuum, with the most extreme expression being a complete loss of awareness of present surroundings.) Note: In children, trauma-specific reenactment may occur in play.
4. Intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s).
5. Marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s).

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidence by one or both of the following:

1. Avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s).
2. Avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders (people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations) that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s).

D. Negative alterations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:

1. Inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) (typically due to dissociative amnesia and not to other factors such as head injury, alcohol, or drugs).
2. Persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., "I am bad," "no one can be trusted," "The world is completely dangerous," "My whole nervous system is permanently ruined").
3. Persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others.
4. Persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).
5. Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities.
6. Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others.
7. Persistent inability to experience positive emotions (e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings).

E. Marked alterations in arousal and reactivity associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:

1. Irritable behavior and angry outbursts (with little or no provocation) typically expressed as verbal or physical aggression toward people or objects.
2. Reckless or self-destructive behavior.
3. Hypervigilance.
4. Exaggerated startle response.
5. Problems with concentration.
6. Sleep disturbance (e.g., difficulty falling or staying asleep or restless sleep).

F. Duration of disturbance (Criteria B, C, D, and E) is more than 1 month.

G. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

H. The disturbance is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., medication, alcohol) or another medical condition.

Specifiy whether:

With dissociative symptoms: The individual's symptoms meet the criteria for posttraumatic stress disorder, and in addition, in response to the stressor, the individual experiences persistent or recurrent symptoms of either of the following:

1. Depersonalization: Persistent or recurrent experiences of unreality of surroundings (e.g., feeling as though one werre in a dream; feeling a sense of unreality of self or body or of time moving slowly).
2. Derealization: Persistent or recurent experiences of unreality of surroundings (e.g., the world around the individual is experienced as unreal, dreamlike, distant, or distorted).

Note: To use this subtype, the dissociative symptoms must not be attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., blackouts, behavior during alcohol intoxication) or another medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures).


**
If you want to know more about what something means then I am sure some on here can help you.

I also wanted to say that being exposed to all these things is very damaging for a child when they are developing and growing.

 

[thedarkestrose]

Thank you for your responses :)

The most recent one was me blacking out at college after my teacher yelled at me. I was reminded of my dad yelling and students yelling and it stressed me out to the point of everything going black and I woke up with the skin of my chest scratched and sore.
The other times are usually serious depressive episodes where I end up sobbing on the floor, questioning my friends about why my parents don't love me after all the examples I could remember were flashed through my mind. It hurts but I am vaguely aware, but not enough to get out of the situation. It's like I'm stuck.

And I have had trouble with learning since I was very little. I used to be well well well above my intelligence range in primary school, where I would read books like Pride and Prejudice and Harry Potter in the play yard (Mainly cos I had no friends, but I didn't mind that. I liked being alone). I also used to be able to excel at most parts of the curriculum. I was top of the class.
But then high school started and I feel like I am stuck at the age of 12. I can't take in information like my peers, and I end up getting so stressed about not understanding it that I zone out and completely miss what the teacher is saying. I also do that when people are talking to me. That isn't helpful either.

I went to a learning coach for help with dyslexia, but I passed with an above average intelligence. It was suggested that I go to get diagnosed for autism, since that seemed likely. But at the time I didn't mention about the zoning out thing. I am not allowed to mention anything in terms of Mental Problems because my Mum is obsessed about how others see her, and having a "crazy" daughter wont give her a good reputation... I did the learning test without my parent's consent and when they found out they blew their tops... It wasn't pretty.
I was going to wait until I go to Uni and get a good GP to refer me to a Psychologist/Psychiatrist but I am also scared of losing my childishness and my confidence. If getting help will only leave me with "me", then I'm not sure I want it.

 

[Abstract]

Are you still in school? Is there a school psychologist you could say this all to? I have to say that I still can't see anything that would indicate Asbergers.

 

[thedarkestrose]

Not without my parents knowing, and I don't think it is worth the effort. My parents know how to make all stuff like that go away. I'm also not trusting of school psychs since my last one (in 2008) told my Mum and that led to the "go cut yourself" comment. He did that despite knowing how my home is. That's why I would rather go to a psych in Uni, since I do not plan on giving them any of my parent's details. I know it's not wise, but it's for the best.

And there are other things too, such as walking on my toes and other stuff like that, but it is difficult to distinguish dissociation (if I have that) and Aspergers. Apparently it is also apparent when talking to me in real life, and after a bit of research dissociation is meant to be more common in Aspies? I don't know... If I'm truthful, I dont think it is Aspergers either, but at least if I get treated for that, my parents wont stop me getting help...

 

[CVC]

Welcome! I think the WillyKat and Abstract give excellent advice.

Just one small point I'd like to add on this:

I am also scared of losing my childishness and my confidence.

I can understand why you're attached to the confidence and the child-like wonder--I too would want to hold onto these. I think the good news is that you get to do just that. Please know that all of these aspects of yourself are still "you!" Therapy may help you honor and mobilize these aspects of your personality so they can be more functional for your life overall, but I don't think it can erase them.

 

[thedarkestrose]

I hope so too... That's one reason why I would like to sort this all out at some point, because the way it is going, I can't use any of them! When I'm childish, I cant function past around 5-8 year old (I think? Like, I can't operate an oven and I blew up a microwave) and when I am in the confident mood, I don't seem to care who I flirt with!!! Like, I am gay, I have a girlfriend, yet I still catch myself flirting with my male teachers! I stop it once I realise, and it hasn't happened too often recently, but it's happened and it is awkward and humiliating..

It would be nice if I could keep all the confidence without the flirting with anything with a heartbeat, and keep the childish wonder without losing the ability to function...

Thank you so much for all the help, WillyKat, Abstract and CVC :) I didn't know what was happening. I'm glad that I at least can say to whoever I need to speak to that there is a possibility that I have PTSD and Depersonalization. It feels nice to know that something fits and I am not indeed crazy :)
Thank you so much again :D

 

[scout86]

Did you say you're in college? I don't know what country, of course, but in the US, if you're legally an adult, I THINK you should be able to go the the college counseling service and have your visit be kept confidential. It might be a good idea to at least check into that.

I'm with everyone else who said you don't seem like "Asperger's". You're way to self aware for that, I think. And, getting diagnosed as "not having Asperger's" isn't going to help you much.

You were born into the biological family you were and there's not much you can do about that. You don't have to STAY there though. It doesn't sound like a very healthy, helpful place to be. It doesn't sound like you're going to get any support and encouragement there. You might want to think about finding ways to get out of that situation.

Good luck, and welcome!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Walking on your toes.... I'm confused why this is an issue? I have done it since I was a kid. I still do it. I think it's just a quirk. It helped to give me nice sculpted legs if anything. I'm confused as to why you're thinking autism spectrum.

The thing is that you will always be you. Read up on your inner child. Mine is there and I can guarantee you that she's going nowhere. I don't think anyone here will tell you that healing involved losing the fun childlike side of themselves.

I don't think anyone here will also say that healing took away their confidence. If anything, many of us have gained confidence as we heal.

 

[digger]

Walking on your toes.... I'm confused why this is an issue?

Walking on tiptoes is a common aspie trait

 

[digger]

I'm not reading very much else in what you're saying that is screaming aspie at me though.