Poll What Traits Do You Gravitate Towards In Others?

[Abstract]

This is more to do with conversation about the subject rather than purely being about the statistical results.

I don't just mean the traits we like in others but also those that we gravitate towards despite ourselves. What draws us to someone? What hooks us in? With both positive and negative consequences. In any context too such as business, general interactions, friends, love relationships etc.

These are only examples so feel free to mention something if it isn't listed. Many more occur to me such as volatility, wisdom, insight, apparent fearlessness, subservience, tact, directness, positivity, negativity, individuality, sophistication, genuineness, even aggression. If you choose something in the list then feel free to clarify what it is in the trait that hooks you in and why and what the results tend to be. Also feel free to mention if your patterns have changed and how they have changed.

Another topic of interest is what traits put you off and keep you away.

All welcome: so called "sufferers" and "supporters".

 

[franciemarnie]

I am thrilled to say I no longer am attracted to "bad guys" as in mobsters or those types or emotionally unavailable men whether due to drug addiction (I just take heroin now and then. Ha!) or insanity or "separated" married men. My husband is the anti-bad guy. Rough and tough, but kind and generous and thoughtful and emotionally giving.

I have to think about women friends.

 

[Britt.f7]

I thought about the one for emotion, but if a person tends to get angry easily, I tend to stay away from that. I guess that I could have marked intelligence but not necessarily the high IQ type. It wouldn't make or break me in forming a relationship.

 

[The Albatross]

Calm wasn't on there. The only one I could have clicked was stability but I couldn't click it because really it is "perceived stability" and I can be very, very wrong. My three long term relationships bear that out. Kindness is sort of the same way. I was really ill equipped to have a good "people picker" that's why I stick mostly with the elderly and pets.

 

[Abstract]

"perceived stability" and I can be very, very wrong.

Thats the real point of the thread Alba. It is not about rigid criteria and rather the perceived things we are drawn to and how that works or doesn't work for us and influences our decisions. As I said, feel free to discuss any trait that is something you are drawn to.

These are only examples

conversation about the subject

Stability could be a little like calm depending on the context.

So in your three relationships was there the appearance of calm or stability and of kindness and it was those that attracted you? So that is what you thought you were getting and what attracts you in relationships?

 

[Abstract]

I am thrilled to say I no longer am attracted to "bad guys" as in mobsters or those types or emotionally unavailable

That's great Franciemarnie! If you had to guess then what do you think it was in them that drew you to them? I doubt it was, "this is a bad guy" and am guessing there were things that you perceived as positive or interesting.

I think power can be an interesting one. People sometimes don't realise that they gravitate towards it as they don't realise that this is what someone in a position of authority or who is decisive or dominant is exuding. They just end up interacting with them a lot and not knowing why. Critical thinking can be another one. People thinking they don't like it but then realising that they surround themselves with people who are quite critical or judgemental in general.

 

[The Albatross]

I tend to seek out people that have the attributes I think I lack, basically and also ones that are complimentary to my own . But like I said, I can be very very wrong... particularly when it comes to men. I also tend to seek out someone more confident than myself, self assured. Maybe hoping some of it would rub off. It didn't I had to learn to do that for myself... and am better but not really that good at it.

I prefer blue collar people too, I think that's because I don't think I measure up or am socially adept enough for anything else.

 

[The Albatross]

Ack, I don't like how I said that particularly... but I did the best I could. Blue collar people are fun, but there can be risky situations and more drama than the socially conscientious, more affluent people. I have only met a couple ever that I genuinely liked (above my class people) and I only stayed in a friendship with one.

 

[Abstract]

Alba, you are a very rational person. Do you gravitate towards those who display more emotional mind than rational mind or more those that are similar to you?

When it comes to power or so called prestige I think it can be very complex and entwined in peoples lives in ways that are not always obvious. You speak about what you describe as blue collar but there can be certain similar under currents deciding to avoid any group or perceived group. It might be interesting to look at this for you. You mention you are attracted to confidence and then you mention being attracted to a certain group because you believe they are less threatening and that would imply less dominance and you feeling you have more dominance. No pressure to answer. Just throwing some questions out there.

 

[The Albatross]

I don't think I have more dominance in a blue collar group... because I am blue collar and it is what I know and am familiar with. It levels the field and is familiar territory. I am neither dominant or what ever the opposite is. I most usually find something to esteem in just about everybody.

I like both - people with passion/emotionally charged lives and people who have a rational mind as well. I need the perspectives that both have to offer. I have seldom found both in one person. Though I myself, am both... if you listen to both husbands and a a cadre of people who have known me.

What about you? What say you on this topic?

 

[franciemarnie]

@Abstract - I hate to be a cliche but I think I was attracted to so called dangerous types because my dad was. He was charismatic, handsome in a tough way (ex-boxer), wounded in WWII, violent, a little or a lot crazy, alcoholic and definitely powerful. I think unconsciously I was trying to get it right - finally fix the original guy indirectly. Of course I could never fix the guys. They were like my dad and couldn't be fixed by me. Somehow, one day, I knew it deep within and gave up on romance.

Then I had a nervous breakdown and my deceased friend's husband would not stop calling to check on me when everyone else turned their back. He was the antithesis of all former boyfriends. And four years ago, I married him.

For sure perceived power was
an aphrodisiac for me with boyfriends.

 

[Annie B]

I like real people. People who don't put on airs or pretend to be something they're not (good and bad). Maybe they're a bit odd or have issues, but they are who they are. I gravitate especially toward the people who are misunderstood or under appreciated. They need friendship so I try to give it to them.

I don't like drama.

I also often find myself becoming friends with slightly abrasive people. I'm not abrasive, but those people don't scare me. We just get along. They like me, i like them, I don't know why.

I like people who are kind. Good, honest people (though they are hard to find). No shiftiness or dishonesty. Super friendly people freak me out. What are their true motives I wonder? Maybe I'm not being fair to them though. I know I'm not.

I seldom, if ever, open up to anyone but I do enjoy providing others with the opportunity to unload on me. I won't judge them. I'll help them out, make them happy, but I won't be a bosom buddy. I'm too guarded for that sort of thing and I figure most people already have one so they don't need me.

I like for people not to know me intimately. That way if they don't like me or I think they don't like me it doesn't hurt. They can't dislike me if the don't really know me right? I feel like a 12 year old saying something like that.