Help! I'm Too Scared To Go Back To Therapy!

[SwordsPandaGirl]

During last weeks session I was told that this weeks (today's session) I would need to talk about my abuser and what he had done to me. I have not told her very much at all about it and she is trying to get me to be more open about it, although I usually just try and ignore it or push it away.

During the week I've been mentally preparing myself to just go in and tell her. When it got to today however, I panicked so much. I couldn't do it! I am so scared to go in and talk about it! My flashbacks are really bad, I can't sleep and I feel like I'm barely able to cope with the day. I'm scared she wont keep my secret (yes I do know it's confidential but this has always been a concern of mine).

I've neglected all the plans I was mean't to have done today such as going into Uni, going to town to buy groceries and going to see my T. I know I should have gone but I got so anxious, so afraid that I locked my self in my bedroom and haven't left all day. I feel so ashamed at myself and my life! I'm too scared to go back! I feel I can't talk! Like I'm betraying my abuser! Which makes me feel so stupid!

I should also mention here that when I confronted my abuser many years afterwards with the help of a friend, we had made a deal, he would stop, if I didn't tell anyone.

I feel like I have broken that and by telling her.....

I am so afraid! I feel so alone! I know I should get help for my PTSD as it is inhibiting me from doing normal daily things (such as sleeping and eating due to anxiety) and I can't control my memories or the night terrors but I also feel like I shouldn't be telling her or anyone! I feel trapped! Like there is no way out and I'm sorry this is so long but I am panicking so much! What do I do?! Does anyone else feel like this?!!! :(

 

[mytai]

Yes I have felt like that. You are not alone @SwordsMistress

If you have the option to, I would email your T and tell her why you didn't show up.

If I were in your position (which I have been), I would spend my next session with my T talking about my fears around telling her about the abuse. Share how you are scared it won't be confidential, tell her how you feel like it is a betrayal to your abuser to share.

Taking the time to work through your fears around disclosing your abuse is a huge help in my opinion. I personally just shared my first detailed piece of abuse yesterday and I wouldn't have been able to unless I had done this myself and talked through my fears first.

Be kind to yourself, don't bash yourself for not going.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

Panda, I completely get it and can relate. Like @mytai there's been times I get so nervous and scared about an appointment, I've just had to send an email.

Your t can't make you talk about anything, if you don't want to, tell him/her that you need more time before you can discuss that.

You owe your abuser nothing at all, especially not silence. Your t will remind you of that a million times over. You owe it to yourself to feel better.

Sending good thoughts and hugs your way!

 

[Lotusstarr]

Just wanted to say you have my support swords. You're a brave person, be kind to yourself, and like others have said take your time with disclosing to your t. There is no rush.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You made a deal with the devil just to survive! There is no shame in that. I think that many people would do the same if it would ensure that the abuse would stop.

But now you are safe. Your abuser has no power over you and you are not obligated to keep his secret. Telling someone about the abuse doesn't make you disloyal. It's not a betrayal.

Abusers survive on silence. Silence is what enables them to keep on abusing. If you speak out, it may actually have more of an effect than keeping silent.

 

[Candleflames]

I'm a little miffed with your T telling you that you have to tell her about your abuser in your next session. I understand that she want to help you open up and she does need to know, that is what you are there for, but the pressure is of no help.

I seem to remember from chat that you've recently gone back to therapy so this relationship is fairly new for you. Is that right? Bring up your reservations with her. Tell her you need more time to really feel safe in disclosing. It took me a year before I could describe anything to my T. It's ok to take it slow and it's ok to tell your T that is what you need. She is there for you, it's about you and your needs. Sometimes it feels selfish to think in those terms but it's really not in this context. Give yourself permission to put you first.

I should also mention here that when I confronted my abuser many years afterwards with the help of a friend, we had made a deal, he would stop, if I didn't tell anyone.

This is a deal you needed to make at the time but it's also a deal you need to break. When it comes to our health, safety and well being all bets are off. You owe your abuser nothing and he definitely doesn't deserve for you to hold up your end of the bargain. You however deserve to heal.

 

[mytai]

@SwordsMistress just to echo things others have said. You did what you had to do at the time to get the abuse to stop. Everyone at some point in their abuse does something to end the abuse, and it isn't always something they want to do.

For me, I agreed to go see my abuser 2 days in a row and essentially allow him to hurt me because it meant that I would get back the pictures and videos he took of me over the years, and it stopped him from posting them to internet sites. I did what I had to do at the time to stop the abuse, my deal was a little different from yours in a few ways but with the same ultimate goal at the end - to end the abuse. Part of my deal was that if I saw him two more times, in addition to getting the memory card, he also said he would stop the abuse and leave me alone. I have to believe that, if I don't believe it I will fall apart, but I know that he could also decide to go back on it - which is why I have chosen to open up to my T.

However, my I have been with my T since July or August of this year, and the entire time has been spent on building trust not disclosing abuse. She has never rushed me, she is focused on building coping and grounding tools with me and building trust so I can share when I'm ready to.

 

[RussH]

I should also mention here that when I confronted my abuser many years afterwards with the help of a friend, we had made a deal, he would stop, if I didn't tell anyone.

A deal with the devil is no deal. Your abuser does not deserve you keeping this deal. How do you know he has stopped? Perhaps he has just moved on to someone else. so tell your t

However is talking about it is too painful, the perhaps you can write it out, and give her a copy. I do know this; when you are finally able to disclose what happened to you, it will open the door for healing. I truly hope things work out for you.

 

[a3a2]

It seems really strange to me that she is telling you what you will talk about. Should you be given the autonomy there?

 

[MissMacD]

Are you seeing someone who specializes in trauma therapy?

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

Thank you everyone for the support and I apologise for getting back late. @MissMacD Not at the moment, I am seeing a general T who will then refer me to a specialist after 6 weeks I think. It makes it harder knowing I'll be talking to someone else but It's how the system works where I am.

Yeah I think I will be telling her I am not ready, as clearly I seem to be making myself more distant when I need to talk about it.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[BloomInWinter]

If possible, you might consider telling just the headlines, not the details. There's different therapeutic modalities based upon types of trauma, how we are affected by it, what cognitive distortions we picked up as a result.

A therapist does need enough info to be able to make a good treatment plan. The more details we can push ourselves to share, the more effective our treatment plan can be. Too few details can cause us to waste much time and money being engaged with less effective modalities.

You're still in control of what you share and at what pace. Our therapists do need our help to know what's going on inside of us. It's no fun, that's for sure.

Everything we do finally share loses it's power to bring the feelings of our traumas into our present-day experiences. That's a goal that keeps me facing each fear down...the ability to face it, push through it, and finally leave it behind.

Tell her everything you're worried about.