My Life Is Very Complex....

[jd9900]

Thanks, Britt - I am not trying to be liked or hated, I am trying to be me again. Honest. Own up to my feelings. The first step in solving any problem is realizing there is one.

 

[nursenurse]

Okay, have you been honest with your wife? You have hit my raw nerve here, and I am not going to pussy foot around things. So have you been honest with her? Have you tried if you are so inclined? Do not ever try to justify being in love or whatever with someone else, why you are still attached? I don't hate you, I don't dislike you. I want you to understand what you are doing, and what the consequences are. And as someone who has been on the receiving end of your feelings and actions, not from you, of course, I am finding this almost reprehensible, save for the fact that you may have never had it done to you.

Problem, oh there is. Look at the one who has stood by you. You LOVE her, even though you are not in love. Spare me the gonad feelings. Figure out why you have stayed together before declaring you are in love with someone else and grow up. You and your wife deserve a man. Not a shadow. And that man would also be able to decide when things were done. And your wife deserves no less than that either.

 

[Ghostybear73]

You are being a little harsh there nursenurse. You don't know his circumstances. His wife and kids may know and they may have already worked on this. I think because it happened to you, you are in a hyper arousal state. I'm definitely not an expert at relationships, but ask yourself this: Do you really need to know these questions to help him or you?

 

[nursenurse]

I stand by my words. Adding fuel to his fire isn't going to help, or, he is not being honest here. While this has happened to me, the basics of human decency are the same. And it sucks to be in anyones shoes here at the moment, because it will crash for all involved, somewhere down the road. And yes I do need to know the answers. Someone is getting hurt, it doesn't matter who, it doesn't matter what. The ties are not severed, and someone somewhere will always carry hurt and resentment.

It's always nice to say good and great and give high fives, but somewhere along the line we forget what is good, what is honest, and what is right. It doesn't matter what has happened to me in the past, because these basic human rights and qualities I have embraced. Honesty. Integrity. These actions do not reflect that. And no matter who has treated me badly, and no matter who ever treats someone else badly, a skunk still stinks, and I will not back down.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Well alrighty then, but remember while trying to get the details of someone else's life, you may end up causing the pain you are so doggedly trying to understand and prevent. I'm a firm believer in not judging people, especially when I don't know the circumstances and I'm not privy to those circumstances because this is a place of support, not condemnation. I thought I might throw that out. Good luck in your quest :tup:

 

[nursenurse]

Backing out. I am honestly shaken by folks that seem to think this kind of thing is all right. And I still stand by what I said. Sure there are other circumstances, but emotional and physical cheating are never right. And those involved need to think and make a decision. I love you, but I am in love with her. What seems right about that? Decide and move on.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Honestly I get tired of hearing the "don't judge" line. Seriously ?!? This is the Internet. People post their stories to get honest feedback. The only way that NO judgement happens is when nothing positive OR negative gets said in response. Judgement happens in every moment of every day. It's a fact of life and it's annoyingly annoying when people spout the lie of "I don't judge"----because the truth is, we all do it, all the time. Judgement is a part of basic survival if you want to get technical. *gets off soap box*

I agree with @nursenurse. I think it's skeevy to go online and post about being in love with someone who isn't your wife. We're supposed to feel sorry for someone who actively chose to marry someone he wasn't in love with? He says he's talked with "many therapists" about this. Seriously ?!? MANY? Ok, I am assuming you are either overly religious and feel locked into marriage or have no moral compass as to need the help of many therapists yet still don't have the courage to do what is right. PTSD is tough and often needs "many" therapists. Falling in love with someone who isn't your wife shouldn't require many therapists. If you're having this much trouble with a comparatively mild issue, don't hold out much hope for healing your PTSD. (Again, still a bit baffled why this issue requires MANY therapists, which means you've been dealing with it for a long time.)

Stop cheating your wife and do the right thing. Your selfishness is preventing her from finding someone who truly loves her. She deserves better!

Edited to add

Your life is complex because you are making it complex.

 

[anonymous]

I think the last post veers over into being purposely personal. Personal in a sense of intending injury rather than direct debate and challenge. Aggression comes in many forms and often there is a line that we just cross over that changes things.

When people use the term "judgement" in certain contexts it means coming to a decision before knowing all the facts. Nurse nurse is asking the questions which is good.

I can't "like" the situation as is either. I am afraid it is not something I can high five when a woman and children are going to be hurt, are being hurt. Especially when there doesn't seem to awareness or appropriate guilt expressed right from the start. There is no information of how hard jd has tried or any detail and just rejoicing and I find that difficult. That it wasn't said all together at the start seems to indicate something to me.

We can't force ourselves to love someone unfortunately and a lot of harm can come from that alone - without any intent. Staying with someone from pity and obligation isn't something I would want. But there needs to be appropriate remorse and awareness and to discuss it should include these in my opinion. It also needs to be dealt with as honourably as possible.

 

[nursenurse]

Anonymous, thank you for your response, I appreciate it. However, I don't see Solara's response as being hurtful, which I think you are alluding to, but maybe more up front.

We have lost something, we have lost values, and there is no one to defend them these days. We tiptoe, we "like", we hold hands in the name of PTSD because of this forum, but no one holds anyone accountable for their deeds. And always, always, always, someone who may not be a part of this forum gets hurt.

So hurray if someone calls out bad behaviour, because PTSD or not, this is bad behaviour, and even if it has been discussed, I will bet my life savings that someone will be hurt, and it won't initially be the guy in love.

 

[anonymous]

I do agree with Solara that we all make judgements all the time and any conversation involves judgement. What I don't think is wise is to assume we know all the details or let our own experiences influence in such a way as to assume the situation is the same as ours. There is grey in life even when we want white. We don't have to call grey white though.

Asking questions and holding over some judgement before we are decided is a good habit. Questions need to be genuine questions rather than accusations. Just high fiving always for the sake of it isn't wise or helpful in general either as we all need honest feedback to grow and supporting situations that are not right isn't right either.

You are right that this woman and children are going to hurt regardless. I do however think there can be a lot of extenuating circumstances that we may not be aware of. Not ones that would make it white but ones that make it grey rather than black.

Would you have wanted your ex husband to stay with you out of pity and obligation? Considering there had been joint counselling, genuine attempts to fix the relationship over a period of time. These breakups are seldom done in the way they should be but there are honourable ways of dealing with something so difficult. There are also those who do feel appropriate remorse.

And always, always, always, someone who may not be a part of this forum gets hurt.

I think that is unfair to say and very black and white. There are many members on here who themselves are the ones that are always always always getting hurt. PTSD is different for different people.

 

[jd9900]

Nurse, sometimes no matter how many shades of grey you have to make what I would call a binary decision. Yes or no 1 or 0. Then, when I feel that way, it is black and white.

 

[anonymous]

I don't think you can ask anyone to give you support about what is happening here or call that in shades of grey or white without giving any details of how this has played out.

Why there wasn't any sharing of guilt or remorse along with your celebration at the start of this thread.
Where is the remorse.
How your wife and children feel.
If your wife knew that the relationship was finished before you pursued this new one.
If you have set your wife free to find happiness in her own life or have kept her strung along for your own needs.
Where she thinks she stands now and what the plan is with your marriage.
If you loved her when you married her or rather did so to prop you up in some way.

I have to say I find your response above slightly irritating as it says nothing at all. I am not sure the point of it.

One of the aspects of this I can call black is your total absence of any discussion of remorse with the original post and thereafter.