New in my life due to medical treatment

[KA60]

Definitely I can't change him. I feel safe with my dogs. I did not feed into his chaos today. I definitely have been part of the problem arguing crying yelling at him.

 

[KA60]

The vietnam sniper veteran when we talk tells me the things he went through but how he survived that he still has his hair etc. He does not speak like my husbsnd at least not when we talk. It is different. I know he is just processing his trauma.

 

[Movingforward10]

You want/need your husband to change. He has said and shown you that he won't.
So unless you leave, it remains the same.

I think you have a hard decision to make.

Can you try a trial separation to see how that feels?

If you left, is there a way of working out custody of your dogs? And how you get half the value of the RT?
Those things may take time.

Is ending the relationship something you can sit down and work out with him? Or would that not be safe? I worry about how he can't hear you and whether that is safe or not.

 

[KA60]

Ok. Thank you. I have a hard decision to make. I don't expect or want him to change. Maybe Magical thinking but I have friends finally here a church to attend. I am not sure it is safe to leave. I have activities friends here outside of my marriage. Rent is very high - place on my own..He has medicaid and it is only a matter of time before he is uninsured. He will not get VA health care benefits. Trial separation? I will research that. I know this sounds like excuses. Perhaps it is. He makes so much less than me. The rv is in both our names. We just got a newer car. It is in my name only. And our dogs. My dogs. I really confronted him hard yesterday that these are his beliefs. I don't expect him to change but I think perhaps the consequences of his behavior are perhaps registering. I am also not sure the rv is worth much. It is in good shape. The rise in homelessness especially our age group- he is 63 I am 65- is alarming..safe in terms of leaving as in would he threaten me? Not sure but I don't think so to the point where I would have to call law enforcement? I don't think so. My dogs the consequrnces to us all of separating. That is putting a pause with me. Financial ..homelessness. dogs being euthanized or taken to shelter where the same outcome would probably occur. I need to talk with him again. How can we remain together but in no way can our relationship involve or allow his beliefs etc effecting us. Have been researching thesd types of personalities. Techniques included my safety at all times disengaing with him anytime this comes up my own friends and activities. I also think his self image self worth took a big hit. He does not think he is a very good man anymore..He has many good traits. This has hit me hard so I get negative too in to black and white thinking with him that is not completely accurate. Then this issue with my larger breast size from medical treatment for post menopausal issues and his increased attention to them. Yikes! I like to think critically put STOP pause on things like this to always for better decision making. I am the one changing. He knows it. I know he will not..Thank you. Be grateful for any more comments etc .

 

[Movingforward10]

It all is very difficult.

I suppose: what do you want?

Staying with someone because you are worried about how they will manage, isn't going to help you as it might keep you stuck in a situation that isn't good for you.

I'm sure there are good parts of him. Most people aren't all good or all bad. Relationships have their ups and downs.

Which comes back to: what do you want from the relationship? And can you get it or not? And if not, what do you want to do?

 

[KA60]

Thank you moving forward. This post from you is helping me clarify. We had a talk again today. Not good again. We addressed some of8 the questions you raised..For one thing I told him the pain and fear from all that is happening is greatly effecting me. For another I think there has been a terrible misunderstanding between us..He feels attacked by my pain and tears..This is a difficult situation. He acknowledged that by my participation in activities in our rural area- the church the health council me going to our community center daily for lunch meeting new people- he knows I am moving away from him. I need friends especially female friends who have different perspectives life experiences etc to visit with. I also told him the overwhelming nature of politics current events- I need to renew my faith in the divine a high power. I don't control any of it. I have made mistakes in this marriage. He really can focus on it draining my time energy for other things so I stopped listening to him. Just getting angry hopeless. Today I did listen to him about the Canada wildfires. His daughter son in law grandkids live near Baltimore. Their air quality is bad. Will be for months. I asked for his forgiveness for my part in this. This has been tough..I also told you brought me out.here- NM- we live in the mountains- to live so I am going to do that thrive and be a part of creating something better. Times like these have occurred in history before. AKA Hitler Kmher Rouge South Africa Rwanda etc. People society survived and something different rose from the ashes. He wants to prepare but we have budgetary and financial limits like all of us. I told him we can't react to every news story by purchasing something we can't really afford. Thank you so much. It would help me if I could continue to communicate with you about this issue..You have helped me stay focused redirected me etc.

 

[Muttly]

You are getting a lot of advice here and are being brave and open to new ideas and change. It doesn't have to happen immediately. You can build up to it. I am not tracking well, so sorry if I have missed it. Have you tried to find out what resources are in your area? I imagine that's hard in a rural area but often, even there, are advocacy and support groups that can help you figure out how to leave if you need to.

 

[KA60]

You are getting a lot of advice here and are being brave and open to new ideas and change. It doesn't have to happen immediately. You can build up to it. I am not tracking well, so sorry if I have missed it. Have you tried to find out what resources are in your area? I imagine that's hard in a rural area but often, even there, are advocacy and support groups that can help you figure out how to leave if you need to.

Thank you Mutty. I have looked in the past at these resources. I need to check again to see if they have changed due to funding cuts. This evening I asked my husband if I can say I am getting overwhelmed aka fear if we are discussing something. And can we table this discussion till later. I really blew it a few days ago screaming at him.I wish you would die. My ability to cope with all of the reality from world events decreased to nil..His beliefs get tough. I appreciate your advice. I will check again.

 

[KA60]

You are getting a lot of advice here and are being brave and open to new ideas and change. It doesn't have to happen immediately. You can build up to it. I am not tracking well, so sorry if I have missed it. Have you tried to find out what resources are in your area? I imagine that's hard in a rural area but often, even there, are advocacy and support groups that can help you figure out how to leave if you need to.

He screamed and cried this evening too. I have caused him pain as well. I made a list last night of all the good things he has done for me for us. My thinking gets black and white with this. The list has about u things on it. His beliefs have gotten to me . I just looked at the resources in my state that you mentioned. I think he has a lot of his own anxiety and fear too. Over current events. Thank you

 

[KA60]

I just got insight into my part of this. My husbands fsther was verbally physically abusive to him. Me screaming crying asking to stop this focus on current events- I am echoing his father's treatment of him. He said his first wife- long divorced now- sounded like me. That does not exclude his part on this. But it gives me insight into me. I am not helpful. I need to do what I can to de escalate communicate my fear my unease with current events. Remind him of what we can and cannot control. What we really have the agency to change or improve. He has often said to me I am to blame for my not tolerating this. My reality. I have social security. Dr Ed Weir a retired former social security is a reputable source for helping people get and keep their benefits. I have learned from him.Made changes. Like hard copies of my SS records. Locking. my social security number via e verify. Income wise I am not required to file taxes but I did. It was only 3 years. I got refunds. Dr Weir encourages crossing your Ts dotting your Is. Plus I call or email congress senators in my state on behalf of SS. The trust fund will be deleted in 76 more checks 2033 unless the government fixes. This cause is important to me. As is health care.