Sufferer Childhood Medical Treatment Or Sexual Abuse

[KP the nut]

Hi Mit and welcome to the forum.

I've just come back from recovering from an op. I'm 54 and this hospital stay brought back old trauma from spending time in hospital as a child. I think the NHS has a lot to answer for with its treatment of children during the 60s. Like you, I had many stays in hospital between the ages of 3 and 17. I had psoriasis so had to be naked for treatment, added to this, I was always on an adult mixed ward.

Well done on sharing your story and I hope the support and information you find here helps.

 

[Mit]

@scout86 - Yes - it wasn't the best. I'm not sure how serious an attempt it was on my part, perhaps they thought that too.

@KP the nut - Thanks for the message. Your experience does sounds similar to my own, and very disturbing for you as child. Where was the common sense! When I started having skin grafts age 12, I was put on an adult 'plastic surgery' ward. It was like being in an army field hospital. I had never seen people with exposed amputated limbs, and huge holes in their backs after the removal of cancerous moles. It was quite distressing to see..

 

[KP the nut]

@Mit. I was wondering how you are with hospitals/medical procedures now.

I had complications whilst in and had to have a couple of horrendous procedures without anesthetic. The first took about 30 minutes, the second was over an hour. I was silent and frozen throughout. Staff were concerned because I was so quiet. I think it all goes back to being brainwashed into being 'good' and not causing trouble. Something I was always told when in hospital as a child.

((HUGS)) if you accept them from a fellow Brit. I am in Shropshire.

 

[Mit]

I've been thinking about some of the thoughtful posts made in reply to my messages. I'm feeling more robust than I did a few days ago, so...

My parents and my mum in particular became a bit obsessed over my on going care once at home after operations on my genitals. She insisted on continuing with very intimate care, such as bathing me, examining the surgery and observing me urinate. My parents didn't trust me to report any problems, or a failed surgery. My mother was very diligent in this respect. She had all the best of intentions. It's just that this care carried on into my mid teens, and made me feel self conscious and embarrassed. I haven't seen either of my teenage sons in a state of undress since they were very young. Under no circumstances can I imagine doing to them what my mother did to me. They would not allow it, and I wouldn't want to. A therapist I saw asked me if I thought there was anything sexual in her dealings with me. My answer was absolutely not. The T told me then it must have been about control. I can now see this. She loved caring for children and before adopting me fostered kids, and worked as a child minder as I grew up. My condition allowed her to extend her need to provide me with personal care well beyond what was age appropriate. I simply had no privacy so far as my genitals were concerned well into my teens. It might explain why I felt I had to put some distance between myself and my parents. I feel they have knowledge of me that is embarrassing and humiliating. My parents once came to my closest friends party. My mother spent an hour telling my mates wife all about my childhood illness and operations. She did this out of pride of my achievements in spite of my problems. Later my mates wife told me about it and said she knew things about me now she really shouldn't. I felt really embarrassed, and a but ashamed. I can't feel angry with my mother. But this was some 20 years after my last surgery. I had my own family by then. But it seemed I still could not escape feeling ashamed and humiliated all those years later.

Hence, the medics, nurses and my parents approach to my care resulted in control, or a lack of control being one aspect of my childhood that has become a significant source of distress, that I am not dealing with appropriately. Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest.

 

[Mit]

@KP the nut The treatment you describe, without anaesthetic, sounds utterly horrendous, and wrong, in every way. If this were done to a child now, we know what the reaction would be. And yet I can believe it happening, based on my own experiences of being in hospital in the 1960s. I doubt things were better before that either. Your description of how you coped, and your primary concern at that moment, to be good because your parents told you to be is a situation that I know too well (I have mentioned this in a previous post on this thread). Perhaps it was a generational thing that our parents considered to be most important. How life has changed, with children now encouraged to speak out and disclose situations or behaviours that make them feel uncomfortable.

It would be easy to blame the NHS and the staff at that time for aspects of my treatment that caused me distress. But I can't - you see I spent so much time in hospital, including birthdays, Christmas, I went to school in hospital and studied (I am being creative with the term..) for my CSEs in a hospital bed. 99% of the time I was well looked after and cared for. Often I would return for the next operation to find many of the same kids still in there, and the same staff, who were frequently very affectionate towards me. There were very few staff that I really didn't like and who I felt didn't try to minimise pain, shame or embarrassment. The nurse that sprayed my penis with a freezing aerosol each day for two weeks was a witch. I'm sure she enjoyed doing it because she showed no compassion and made no attempt to make it less painful or any less embarrassing. She was in control, and I just lay their and stare at the ceiling whilst she exacted her vengeance on me - its how it felt. This going to get a bit raw and near the mark, but if I put myself physically in the same situation I get the same rush of emotion, and very weird feelings, and I am that boy again. I don't like the feelings and yet I use them to torment myself. Sorry, I don't think you want to read this.

I do have problems dealing with anything medical now, and have done for years. I can't watch medical programmes. Embarrassing Bodies is equivalent to waterboarding for me. A couple of years ago I had trouble passing water and had to have 'it' examined and x-rayed. I had a stricture (not an uncommon occurrence for people with hypospadias). The x-ray thing immediately transported me back to being the boy. When it came to the procedure to open up the stricture I told the medical staff that I had some trauma issues from previous surgery. They were wonderful, and sedated me whilst I was on the ward. Even then once I was wheeled into the theatre, the smells, the lights and people in masks and the bloody gown was enough and I got off the trolley and headed out the door. The consultant and his team were exceptionally patient and thoughtful, and helped me overcome my anxiety and they did a great job. Mind you I hadn't expected the blood and pain when urinating after and that did cause some issues.

One last thing before I bore everybody on this forum! When I did see a therapist a couple of years ago she suggested I try EMDR because she felt I hadn't processed some memories. I was very sceptical about it, but agreed to give it a go. It didn't seem to do anything for me, I just felt self conscious. A week or so after the first EMDR session my partner and I were watching a programme about religious rituals and without warning there was a scene of a young boy being circumcised without anaesthetic, he was held down and he screamed throughout, it was barbaric. When it ended I realised I was holding my breath, and I was overwhelmed with an emotion I can't describe - then I started to recall being held down in a similar way in hospital whilst stiches were removed from my penis. I hadn't recalled this memory before, but weirdly it was known to me, exactly as if I had put it somewhere out of reach until it was triggered by watching this scene on television. It's the only time anything like that has happened to me.

I hope you are recovering from your stay in hospital, and that is was a very different experience from that of your childhood. Shropshire is a beautiful county, I used to go rock climbing there many years ago. Look after yourself.

 

[KP the nut]

studied (I am being creative with the term..) for my CSEs in a hospital

Snap. I had day release from hospital to be able to go to school to sit my exams.

My PTSD (which is now fully (hopefully) managed) was triggered by a car crash. EMDR helped me get my life back. It did however bring childhood stuff to the front. My therapist was amazing and we tackled each issue as it arose. Obviously, I still get shakey but by using techniques from my therapist, I can usually manage. I no longer see my therapist but before we finished, he recorded a grounding exercise for me. His voice still calms me.

 

[RussH]

Welcome to the forum. I think it is perfectly understandable how you would be confused about whether there was abuse or not; anytime someone starts messing with your genitila when you are young it bound to bring some confusion.
I agree with the others that you should seek out counselling with a trauma therapist to help resolve the issues you are dealing with.

 

[Mit]

Thanks @RussH I've self referred for counselling through the UK NHS service, just have to wait and see what happens, but obviously I hope they agree that I would benefit from therapy of some kind.

 

[stillstanding2]

I agree that the perception that kids are resilient is flawed. It seems to me childhood trauma get's buried and comes back later in life

Hey Mit! Catching up after a long day on the keyboard. I've written a lot about my experiences and may write more, but you are absolutely right in this quote.

Man, I don't know if I could have stood more surgeries than I had! Certainly not as many as yours.

I didn't spend a lot of time on my later phychological and physical traumas, since I wanted to recall the actual events that occurred. Not sure I have the guts for that yet. I admire your openness. Anarchy says several of us need to be talking and I agree. I have also said that I welcome any women to join the thread, since hypospadias has been a taboo subject for so long. It is time to open it all up, in my opinion. There are kids suffering in secret.