Hideous Body Memory (no Details) - No Nice Way To Put This But I Wish I Could Vomit It Out Of Me

[Hashi]

I get a lot of body memories and I work to accept them as processing and healing. The way I see it, it's my system needing to work though the cell memory, and perhaps to give me some conscious memory and awareness to process too.

Now I'm experiencing a new one, and it's so hideous. All body memories are awful, but this is particularly vile. There's a feeling of slowness and deliberateness to it which is hard to deal with.

I often feel physically sick when working on trauma. In transpersonal therapy it's seen as healthy, a purging. I really wish that would happen with this. To the point where I feel frustrated that it doesn't. It isn't anything to do with self harm or an eating disorder. It's wanting my body to be able to use it's natural defences, to expel something which is bad for it.

When trauma is so sickening, it's frustrating that I can't actually be sick. I'm sorry this isn't a nice thing to say but I wish I could vomit it out.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

When trauma is so sickening, it's frustrating that I can't actually be sick. I'm sorry this isn't a nice thing to say but I wish I could vomit it out.

I can completely relate to that. Over time I have developed a weird energy thing, where I shake the bad vibrations (that are associated with the particular body part) off. I'm not sure how to explain it, it's a strange combination of energy leaving my body through a sudden shake, goose bumps and gagging... when it works the way I want to, it's pretty satisfying. When it doesn't, it's completely frustrating.

Most of the time it makes me feel sick too, to my stomach mostly. I have respect for the way you write about managing the cell memories. I'm stuck in a phase where I completely hate the parts of my body that play up. Do you have any particular way of coping with them..?

Sending you a bunch of courage in dealing with this new one.

 

[Lost Pup]

Sorry, Hashi. This sounds miserable but I identify very, very strongly.

During my last major activation event, I began to get nauseous in my therapist's office as certain things arose, then promptly walked to the bathroom and vomited only to return home and expel everything in my body over the course of 12 hours. It was ultimately very therapeutic but so very, very unpleasant as strong, vivid memories surfaced with each new course of being sick.

Sending you some strength and peace.

 

[arfie]

The last time I had this thought, I got hit by a nasty bug and and by the second day of commode hugging, I felt reminded to be careful what I wish for. The next time I felt those gag reflexes, I was more willing to accept the difference. Still nasty, but.... Actual commode hugging is not an improvement on the theme in my own experience.

Strength and hope, Hashi. May the pain lead you to healing.

 

[franciemarnie]

I too have felt like vomiting it out whether I feel nausea or not..

Nausea is a major component in my healing and releasing. I feel like I have to feel what I couldn't all those years when I was in the Freeze mode in the midst of trauma. I feel that though it comes back again, that it isn't the same nausea as before, that I felt and released that previous one, and have a new one to process.

You are no doubt familiar with all this but I also find an area on my body that feels neutral or even good and cycle back and forth with my focus between the two. That seems to help.

When I drank, it seemed to obliterate all of this, but of course that was just a liquid drug and the next day - God help me. The shaking panic stricken horror was worse than what I had been feeling. But geez sometimes it's like - can't I get a break?

Like @Radise, I will do the shake out - for me its kind of like a dog coming out of water - even if it isn't an organic spontaneous somatic release thing which has a different feel with cold in the chest and uncontrollable trembling. Anyway, That helps too.

Sometimes baking soda and water will help a little because I am usually flooded with acid under stress.

When I get to the Other Side, I will have a lot of questions!!

 

[Seasounds]

I understand that healthy and natural impulse. When a memory is revealed, then seems stuck in its expulsion process; it so very frustrating! It is like being in the same nightmare, every day.

Support to you!

 

[shimmerz]

I agree with @change. When your body is ready it will come. Patience....

Thinking of you and sending you a 'get out of my body soon' card from afar.

Shimmerz

 

[Hashi]

Thanks everyone for your support.

@shimmerz, I love that card!

@arfie, soon after I wrote this my stomach did get very upset for a while. Lovely. I'm actually feeling better about this particular body memory now, though.

the way you write about managing the cell memories. I'm stuck in a phase where I completely hate the parts of my body that play up. Do you have any particular way of coping with them..?

When I first got body memories I didn't want that to happen and I wanted to stop them. I had to get clear in my mind how I see the difference between a cell memory being processed, and a flashback or intrusive memory which I see as a function of my damaged mind and not a healing thing. When I feel revulsion or pain because of a body memory, I try to remember that this is only a fraction of the revulsion or pain of the whole memory. If I can allow my system to process this fraction, then I won't have to deal with - or keep suppressing - the whole.

It's helped that I've had somatic therapy so I've learnt that this sort of processing is a release and is to be welcomed. My somatic therapist literally welcomed the expression of all sensations except for horror or terror. Initially I found it strange to hear him say things like "anger in the jaw is welcome" but as I understood what it had meant to push that feeling down, I could see how it made sense.

I think part of a body memory is the need for something to be witnessed, so I'd recommend telling a therapist about it or at least journalling about how it feels. I sometimes do journal dialogues where I let that part of my body speak for itself, but that needs to be approached carefully so it isn't overwhelming.

@Radise the shaking etc that you're talking about sounds a lot like the release of frozen trauma energy. Have you read about how this works, or ever had any somatic therapy?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

When I first got body memories I didn't want that to happen and I wanted to stop them

Yeah, I'm in that phase now. But my body memories always go hand in hand with intrusive "delusions" (don't know what to call it exactly) where I feel a load of horror. Mostly I get incredibly angry and scream it away, or punch something while thinking of it. And then I also feel revulsion but in my case that's linked to the intrusive images. Actually the day before yesterday I wrote all of it down to the exact horrid detail and sent it to my therapist. I think she's read it, this week we'll discuss it...

I hadn't heard of that but the very words "frozen trauma energy" describe exactly what I feel. I feel that all the pain (and maybe other stuff) inside me has piled up, freezing into this huge clog that keeps blocking me. (during this exact time I also kept having problems with the actual sewers in my apartment that clog up... just like me). So that would be quite nice actually. I'll discuss it with the t...

 

[Abstract]

I am glad you hear you are feeling a bit better about it. You seem to have very helpful strategies for these things. I am sorry you are dealing with something so awful.

I didn't know that interpersonal therapy saw it as healthy and a purging. I need to read more about this stuff but there are certain obstacles which I need to find a way through to do so.

I have battled with the feelings of nausea, the gagging and the possibility of vomiting that I often get with intrusions or being triggered.

It's very shameful and don't often talk about it but purging has been such a big part of life for so long as part of my eating disorder (now recovered). Purging was incredibly hard for me to stop. Without knowing it I used it as my only way of dealing with anger and many other things. Including trauma related stuff as far I can decipher. I won't disgust anyone with more details but it was very entrenched. As result of stopping, purging is a no go ever territory for me. Think of an addict stopping a drug. Since I stopped purging with my ED I have not been sick. I have had viruses twice since where it was a miracle I didn't.

As a result of this when these feelings come up with trauma there is great confusion. I fear I won't be able to stop again after. There are also other fears. I have to work on radical acceptance. It is very hard to feel it is positive though and I detest and dread it. It sometimes almost seems to trigger me further if I gag.

Just a little envious for those of you that actually welcome that release and can view it for what it obviously is. Very glad for you though. I am working on it.

Hope they resolve and are worked through soon Hashi.

 

[Hashi]

@Abstract, I can imagine the idea of purging/being sick is likely to be too complicated and difficult for anyone with a history of deliberately doing that as part of an eating disorder.

When I talk about somatic release, for me that's very rarely to do with being sick. I mean things like shaking, involuntary movements and body memories working themselves through in general. Are you able to focus on other ways of somatic release? I think avoiding that particular one seems wise, and it sounds like you've managed that a couple of times with physical symptoms so I would see it as similar.

@Radise if you haven't already read it, I recommend "Waking the Tiger" by Peter Levine. It explains about the frozen trauma energy, and how over time it can try to emerge then get refrozen, becoming more deeply entrenched. The concept of clogging up is an interesting one. Do you and your therapist work with imagery? Could you visualise a gentle, safe unclogging?

I can only "welcome" or at least accept body memories because I can experience them separately from the sort of intrusions that come as part of less healing symptoms (in my view). Scary/grotesque images, intrusive thoughts, waking terrors, flashbacks etc are all things that I do a lot to protect myself from. Part of that is that I've made a commitment to my subconscious that I won't work with it throwing stuff out in a damaged way, but I'll pay attention when it communicates things to process in healing ways. Since I include body memories in the category of healing/processing, I have to accept them as part of the deal.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Could you visualise a gentle, safe unclogging?

This made me laugh. Not a loud laugh because I lost my voice going nuts, but still a good laugh :P I tried to visualize a safe unclogging as I read it, and what I saw was disaster: moving one little piece which sets in motion all the other pieces and then all hell breaks loose. I think I'm really, really scared of that happening sometime soon. Unclogging is frightening, staying clogged is somehow nice. But it's also horrible.

I've downloaded the book by Levine, can't read it just yet. Maybe it's too much of a confrontation. But I'll save it for later when it feels easier :) Thanks for the tip!