I Feel Like Nobody Can Help Me And Nobody Wants To.

[Psalm_23]

I don't even know why I'm posting this here. I don't really expect anything anyone can say would help me, but my daughter thought It would be a good idea for me to try to reach out for support online.

When my family is hurting, it makes me feel helpless. I know they all are hurting terribly, but there is nothing I can do about it. Sometimes it makes me feel like things would be better if I wasn't here. I feel the only reason I'm here is to be there for my family...but I am constantly in physical and emotional pain. I had a back injury several years back, and have been in constant pain since. Not to mention my teeth. I have dentures now, and they don't even fit right, and cause me constant pain. I can't eat with or without them.

I have nothing to look forward to. I should be so happy that my daughter is graduating high school, but I just can't be happy. I hear jokes, and they aren't funny, i don't understand it.

I just feel like I want to die. I've tried to kill myself multiple times. I ODed on aspirin when I was 12. I tried cutting myself when I was in my teens. And last Christmas I ended up in the hospital after overdosing on my prescription medication. I hate that I did that to my family, but I just have no idea what else I can do. Every day is a battle for me.

I just want to go to sleep...but even then I suffer from horrible nightmares. But at least I don't feel any pain or responsibility, or like anythings my fault. That's how it used to be...but now everything is my fault, I have to fix it...but I can't

I can't even eat. It's not just the pain...I constantly feel nauseous and nothing sounds appetizing. Everything I eat is like eating cardboard to me. The only thing I can eat is a chocolate protein shake, and I know it's not healthy but it's better than nothing. I have also suffered from anorexic thoughts most of my life.

Everyone has all these positive things to say, but they don't mean anything to me anymore. I almost got drunk last night, but I know it would only make me fell worse. It might help the pain and anxiety for a little while...but I know it will only make the nausea worse.

I just really wish God would come back and get us. So I could just start over again.

But even then...the other night I asked my husband...do you feel like Jesus really loves you? And he said no. I agreed with him.

I can't imagine what my husband thinks about me. I don't take care of myself...I haven't taken a shower in days. He must think I'm really awful. I don't know how he goes on. Maybe if I had a job to go to...but it seems he wouldn't care for the kids the way I do. He just goes to work and comes home goes to bed. I know he's hurting too. I just feel like he's not here anymore...and he's starting to scare me...saying things like he doesn't even care if he lives or dies anymore.

There's so much I want to do. Just simple things around the house...but I can't do anything anymore. I'm just too paralyzed by pain, anxiety, and fear. I used to be able to do so much, but now I just feel completely useless.

I just wish my family could see how much I love them...I just feel they can't see it though my anger. I'm a perfectionist. I know I overreact at times... But I just wish people could see that I'm trying my best. In my 30s and 40s I used to do everything. I always went out of my way to help people. I just wanted to help and save everyone. I would always put myself last.

To add insult to injury we're now going through a bankruptcy, because of medical bills, and helping out ungrateful family members. All they did was take from us. Even though, I still love them...I hoped that by letting them move in with us, they would be able to get back on their feet. And while they were staying with us, they would help us out. Maybe they would be roll models for our kids. - But now my brother is going to prison for drugs, my niece is addicted to heroin, and my oldest daughter is an alcoholic. I still want to help them all, but I just can't. There's just nothing I can do anymore.

I feel have no support from my husband, in anything, especially with this bankruptcy. It's just too much for me to handle on my own. He needs to talk to his boss, and help me file paperwork...but he just keeps procrastinating.

I just feel so helpless and useless. I keep looking for answers, but I can't find them anywhere. I've been to therapists, but I could never find a good one. I've always just felt like a number to them. And now, even if I wanted to find a good one, I don't have money or insurance to pay for one. I just want to give up.

 

[Leah123]

Have you tried a support group? Or therapy on a sliding scale? Or different medication?

Your screen name belies a bit of optimism, which sounds as if it's buried deep right now, but I'm glad it's there and I'm glad you've posted, it's one more sign that you are trying to take care of yourself and have faith in finding a solution.

You sound burnt out, and I know that feeling. I hope you'll do something kind for yourself, whether it's take that shower, keep writing here, call a crisis line (they have good referrals to inexpensive public mental health services too sometimes) or just go cook your favorite food (something easy on the dentures), watch a comedy, etc. I've found that it's the little things that work for me: the negativity took a loooooong time to build up, it wasn't just one moment that triggered it all, and becoming healthier is also a matter of small steps, one little one at a time. Big hugs if you want them.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

 

[franciemarnie]

You do sound burned out like Leah said. You've gone too long without relief, without release, too long giving without return.

You have to make a change or everything will stay the same. I know the feeling of not wanting to wake up anymore, but you are still here. Your job isn't finished. I think your job is to take care of you right now - not the moved in family members, not addicts of any kind. You.

Just because you didn't like the therapists you saw doesn't mean there aren't good ones because some of us have found them. You need a trauma therapist IMO. You must be number one now. Putting others first burned you out - not to mention your original trauma which has never been properly addressed.

If you believe in God, then consider what I have heard: God feeds the little birds, but he doesn't throw the food in their nests. You must begin anew with you above all. Then someday when you are healing or healed, you will have energy again and if you want can help others.

Bless your daughter's heart for encouraging you to keep trying. Let others love you until you can. We are here for you and know whereof you speak.

 

[HelenB]

I am so sorry you are feeling as you do and do glad you have felt able to post on this forum, as there are so many supportive people on here and you do deserve the support so much.

I agree with what @franciemarnie has said that your job right now is to be able to look after you. You deserve the love and support which you are so evidently trying so hard to give to others, but when you are burnt out that is so hard and you in fact deserve it just as much and I really believe that when you really can learn to also look after yourself too, things can change and really will.

I love the psalm which you have as your user name and know there are so many times when I use it and really reflect on it and am praying for you right now that even though you can't feel it at all, that you can find some rest and peace in the middle of all the storms you are in, and really know that God is there and is a comfort and such a safety, who you can safely run to, because He will protect and comfort you through it all, and I really hope that you are also able to find some comfort and hope from this forum and the many supportive and truly caring people there are here, as I know it has helped me tremendously to see that there really is a way through and that we are not alone.

God bless
Helen

 

[Em C.]

First of all, lots of hugs!

Second, have you tried writing letters to your husband and daughter? That way you could get all of your thoughts on to the page, maybe edit it and then give it to them in person or via email? If you think that they may not see your love, this could be a way to do it.

Also, all the pain you are going through makes me wonder if you maybe have something called somatoform disorder. I'm not trying to add to your stress by suggesting another thing but the immense pain you're in could be caused by that. I have it, and much of the symptoms you're describing (lots of pain, doing a lot and then not being able to do what you used to, issues eating, depression). Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is ideal (or so I'm led to believe) but I find talking stuff out even to myself helps. I will write how I feel in first person and how I would view myself (in third person) if I was someone else. I dissociate so it is rather easy for me, but if you don't maybe just writing in first person and then have your family members write to you how they feel about you?

More hugs and please contact me if you have any questions or if you need to rant or anything :)

 

[ms spock]

Psalm_23 I hope that you can get some relief soon. My best wishes to you.

 

[Psalm_23]

@Ms Spock ,Thank you for your kind words. I had my daughter post how I felt. I haven't used the internet in years. I would be interested in knowing, how you get through the mornings. That is my worst time of the day. I never know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed.

 

[Psalm_23]

Thank you every body for responding yesterday. I am really feeling lost and alone. I know there are allot of things I should be doing. But I cant seem to get started at anything. I feel like there's anger just sitting waiting to take over. I want to be kind and loving but the anger gets in the way.I was taught that anger was not allowed and somewhere I got lost. Just doing what ever every body else wanted so I wouldnt be rejected.

Then I would be angry. I have so many negative cycles I go through. I dont even know what I like to do anymore. Fear seems to dominate every decision I make. to the point that I am just existing. I feel like every body around me is out of control. That even though I tell them what I want etc. I get ignored they just do what they want. Then when they get in trouble they call me. For the first time in my life and I am 57 I put a block on my phone to some family members who have been using me for years. I have felt responsible for so many things and people that I am now learning that . I cant help people who just want to use me.This feeling like I need to know whats going on with them so I can help. I just now saw how I me, am responsible for letting this continue. As my daughter says one step at a time.I would love to here from any one , on how to not be so controlling, I know I am out of control that contributes to the way the rest of my family reacts to me. thanks again.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am sorry you are feeling lost and alone. I hate that feeling,

I grew up in an alcoholic home where anger was not allowed. That meant feeling human was not allowed. That is a terrible destructive killing way to grow up. Anger was buried as was sadness, etc. My life was one of responding to the needs of others or reacting to everyone else's behavior. I had no organic life of my own. It was a life of codependency. If someone else did something wrong and then just stood there, I would apologize.

It is a great thing you can feel the anger nearby. I think if you can tap into it safely and get it out, you might feel stronger and less lost. Can you work out? Or simply go for a walk? You can start out slow and if you feel up to it move into a moderate speed. This helps me. It gives me a sense of not being powerless anymore, a sense of strength. You can take action.

The fact that you phone blocked the family members is wonderful!! Taking that step was a powerful action saying you aren't putting up with abuse anymore. Hooray!

Look at these steps you are taking. Keep doing them. One day you will wake up and feel differently than you do this moment. Maybe later today you will feel better. But I must add I think it would be a great idea to see a trauma therapist.

 

[ill]

Your daughter's right - one step at a time, and sometimes that step is a really small step but every single step matters. My suggestion for a baby step is to think of one small thing that you can give to or do for yourself today that would make the day a little bit brighter for you and then let yourself have it. Make that your priority.

I think in order to find out how not to be so controlling, you have to figure out why you feel the need to control things. For me, controlling everything was about trying to be perfect so that I would be worthy of being loved and then when I was loved, I thought I would be safe.

 

[franciemarnie]

@ill brought up a good point re: control issue.

Trying to control things has been an issue with me. It was a characteristic of my codependency as in an irrational feeling I cannot be happy unless I can control or fix certain people and situations.

Can I change anyone else or control them? No. Can I change me? Yes.

 

[Psalm_23]

@franciemarnie Thanks for responding. I did go through a trauma group for six months. I had to stop because of no health insurance. I learned alot, but I know theres so much more to learn. Im hoping this website will help get me out of my isolation. I also grew up in an alcoholic home. It really does mess you up as a kid not knowing what is acceptable and what isnt. My brother just got sentenced to prison for drug charges. My other brother was killed in a car accident when he was 23 years old he was drinking. All our kids are addicted to drugs its unbelievable how strong a hold drugs and alcohol can have. I want so much to break this curse in my family. I am so gratefull I have three daughters still at home and they are a new generation of non users. My oldest daughter is really in alot of pain and she wont accept my help. Letting go is really hard .I pray every day that she will get the help she needs before its to late.