I Don't Want To Fight Any More.

[Hashi]

It sounds like you need to go into the hospital.

I'm wondering this, or whether short term medication would be good right now (sorry Kas, I don't know if you're already on some). In fact, I wondered if it's an option to get an emergency appointment with your GP for a couple of days of diazepam or something.

Solara, in the UK we have to be referred to a hospital by a medical or mental health professional, we can't check ourselves in without that. Outside normal working hours that's what the crisis team would be able to do but it's the decision of the crisis team. They tend to try to avoid doing that, for various reasons - some of which I agree with, some not.

Kas, I really hope you get whatever is best for you, and soon.

 

[bell]

@Kas_Can_Fly, your original post resonated with me, too, as I have, too, have felt all too similar thoughts. As recently as a few months ago, in fact. And, in a word, it sucks. Everything sucks. In fact, you wish the whole world would just suck you up in a giant hole so you just don't have to deal with anything anymore and could just give up already.

But, I promise, if you just hold on for little bitty increments (a few pages of a book here, a bubble bath there, a few quiet moments with your dog just listening to it breathe) and remember to breathe deeply yourself, it will get better.

I've used this analogy before on here, but sometimes I feel like my only job is to hold to life like Odysseus when he was tied to the mast of his ship to avoid being lured by the Sirens. I just stay tied to the mast until it's all over, doing whatever I can to keep me here. And each time I do, I'm glad. (Maybe not right at first, but I always get to a point where, I'm so glad I stayed!)

Know that we are here for you and that your biggest job right now is stay tied to that mast and stay here with us.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I've got lorazepam and promethazine but they aren't helping and I've just started taking amitriptyline, though I've felt suicidal for longer than that. I know that the hospital is where I should probably be, as it is the only place that can alleviate some of the battles and seems protective and safer than home, but I have to go through the crisis team to get there and they do more harm than good, they are incredibly intrusive, dismissive and patronising, plus they have a tendency to forget prebooked appointments and not bother phoning back. I did tell my social worker all of this yesterday and he left saying he'd be back on Monday, first thing but still, I feel pushy saying I need help now. I still feel equally as suicidal today, but I don't know what to do about it other than follow through, which I'm trying to put off in the hopes that this passes but equally can't wait to get it over and done with.

I feel awful because I neglect my dog in terms of exercise and now emotionally as well as he triggered me into having a terrible night a few days (and for not the first time either) ago, it's not the first time but now I can't trust to have him near, though I know he didn't mean it. I can't focus enough to read because, well I just can't and my head hurts a hell of a lot. But I will try having a bath.

Monday seems impossibly far away. :(

Replying isn't easy, I have read and acknowledged all the posts back. Thanks.

 

[The Albatross]

Projecting on the dog. He didn't trigger you into anything... you're realization and emotional reaction to neglect did.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

@The Albatross no, you're wrong. I'm practically pathologically truthful, I'm not lying, he didn't mean to but I was triggered and it's not the first time through this exact same way that I have encountered this problem. He was sleeping on top of my sleeping bag and I became trapped unable to move, I was trapped in my nightmare then I woke up into a panic attack and flashbacks of being held down, I couldn't wrestle my way free, I couldn't move and I wasn't coherent enough to tell him to get off of the covers, when he finally did, I was tangled in the covers, that were now wrapped around me tightly leaving me unable to move my arms fully or my legs at all, I freaked out I thought I was going to die. I'm don't think that projecting, although I realise it isn't his fault, it was just a terrible situation caused by him and the physics of the bag. It just upsets me deeply.

 

[The Albatross]

Your dog is not responsible for whether or not you were triggered. It is a dog. If have difficulty resulting from him sleeping on your bed or bag, then kennel him or put him in another room.

Your dog is dependent on YOU. For sustenance, exercise, and mental/emotional health. They pick up on your emotional states and can develop difficulties of their own. If you are neglecting this animal rehome it until you get your own stuff back under control. Being upset is no reason to neglect an animal companion.

 

[Bluerose]

I’m sorry you feel so rough. It is tough to get others to listen and really understand. Even those in the profession who are supposed to know what this is all about.

I came to the conclusion that if I didn’t understand what was going on how can I expect them to understand.

I eventually gave up trying to make them understand and instead began to have conversations with myself, and worked to help myself understand me. I asked myself a whole lot of question like what do you want. What will it take to make things better. Etc. The answers never came right away but over time things began to make more sense to me and I began to work harder on understanding myself. I hope that makes sense.

I don’t know what age you are but I struggled a whole lot the first twenty years of my life and ten more thinking they‘ll never get it. I have to take control of my own life.

I have spent time in hospital on and off over the years, and it did help me feel safe when I felt forced to give up the struggle once in a while through exhaustion.

So so sorry if that doesn’t seem very helpful. But I think you will come to that realisation too some day soon. I cannot tell you how much sharing on forums like this helped me to understand more about what was going on.

Finally older and a little wiser, I worked to help them understand. It takes time, soooo much time. But it can be done, believe me.

Best and warmest wishes.

I hope you feel stronger soon.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Your dog is not responsible for whether or not you were triggered... Your dog is dependent on YOU

OK, I usually do have him sleep downstairs but sometimes I want to love have bit more. I upsets me that whilst in some ways he makes everything better, I got triggered in to flashbacks by him being there. He is fed, he is watered, he is walked, he has a garden to play in and he gets attention and affection. I pay for his food and feed it to him, play with him in the kitchen and give him some affection, I walk him occasionally. But the majority of his care comes from my family as I am not able to do what I should be able to. I would never put him in a state of neglect, but I am neglecting him because I can't be good enough of a person and I'm too held back with other issues which makes me feel terrible. I've been told to rehome him, but when I finally agreed to it, the family decided they couldn't, but I feel so guilty I can’t do for him what I should and could before this all span out of control.

 

[Ryn]

@Kas_Can_Fly, please don't beat yourself up about the dog situation. I understand Albatross' point, but from what you say your dog will be just fine. If he is getting food, water, shelter, and exercise, I think he is far from "neglected" in the way most people would think of that term. Of course you wish you could be doing more for him and perhaps it is not the ideal situation at the moment, but you know what? You are more important. I'm quite convinced I am the biggest dog-lover on the face of this planet, and I still assure you that you are more important.

Dogs are dogs, they have a marvelous knack for living in the present and when you start to feel better (yes when, not if :) ) and feel you can start devoting attention to him again, I think you will find that no lasting damage has been done. He will be perfectly okay. YOU are the important one here.

I am really sorry about the flashback. I really understand how comforting dogs can be and I hope you will still be able to find that comfort in him, and that the fear will fade. I am glad that your family is able to provide care, and hopefully they will continue to support you in that area as you find yourself needing some more slack.

When I was home this past summer and my own issues really began to drain on me, I too found myself "neglecting" my dog. I rarely walked him, I felt that I couldn't provide the happy energy to be a dog owner, and our obedience training stopped. The depression I was going through at the time was just too exhausting and draining, and I REALLY hated myself for it. I felt like a horrible owner and a failure, I felt so guilty every time I was just too emotionally tired to walk him. My family, like yours, provided most of the care. But in the end? I had nothing to fear. My dog is totally fine. He's a patient, resilient guy and when his situation improved he did also, instantly. You've never met a happier dog. In hindsight I am so glad that I took the time to tend to myself, even if I felt awful about it then. I really needed the rest and the self-care.

You, Kas, are more important. Seriously. If you have the opportunity to look into temporarily rehoming your dog, then sure, that might be a good idea, and it might alleviate some of your own stress. But if not - then don't worry about it. Let other people look after him for now. It's time to look after yourself and keep yourself safe, okay?

I understand the guilt, I really do. But this is not about you being a "good enough" person. It's obvious you care; you wouldn't feel this way if you didn't. You are an amazing person. I'm sure your dog is an amazing dog. And just as you wouldn't condemn your dog for being unable to function 100% if he had a broken leg, so you should not condemn yourself for being unable to function 100% with all the pain and distress you are going through.

So sorry for all you're going through. :( Praying you find strength and courage. x

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I've just eaten for the first time since Wednesday, just a plain piece of Bread, but it's something I suppose.

 

[digger]

I'm guessing you don't need me to tell you that not eating can seriously affect your mood and perception? Are your family aware that you haven't been eating?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Yes they and my social worker know, I've barely moved since Thursday, so it was pretty obvious. I suppose I hoped I would somehow just stop living. I feel wrong and that by eating some how it means I'm better and I'm longer that bad, but I am still not OK, I have spent three days dreaming of my death whilst awake and being chased by violent threats of being kept alive and tortured indefinitely or of even more painful death whilst asleep. Why does my brain persecute me? I'm so tired, I want to die but I don't want more pain or fear, I just want to stop living, to stop surviving and to stop suffering. I want it all to stop. I just feel "no" to everything. No, no, no, no, no.