Poll Inhabited By Somebody Else?

[Upside Down Eagle]

So I've told you guys about the intrusive daymeres, about the delusions and the near episodes of psychosis I've been having, where the world is turned inside out: the images in my head become reality and reality becomes dreamlike.

I feel very much like my dad (who is the ever present and famous lead actor of my mental horrors) is inhabiting my body. Sometimes it's my brain, sometimes it's a part of my body, sometimes it's my entire body. At other times his presence fills my apartment. My strategies for dealing with it have been yelling at where-ever he's at and hurting myself in the specific area of my body he's decided to settle.

This may sound superstitious but it feels like a posession by his "spirit". You know, that you can also feel like good spirits are with you -for example when my grandfather died his spirit lingered within me for a while, but it was a positive thing. I have this one friend whom I love dearly and whose spirit is frequently with me too. But I like their presence.

The whole "invasion of me" sometimes makes me feel like I am him (my dad). Like my spirit has left, like he's completely obscured any trace of my spirit and has made himself comfortable as the new proprietor of my body. It's f@#%$ disgusting. Has anybody else felt like this?

Do you think that "ancient peoples" (that may sound bad, but I mean peoples who have strong values that they haven't exchanged for enlightenment and neoliberalistic thinking) would see this as "possesion", and would try to excorcise it? I'm curious about those methods of healing, but I don't know anyone who has knowledge of alternative medicine kind of things and wouldn't call me completely nuts and superstitious.

 

[franciemarnie]

No way are you nuts, and superstitious to me is kind of a term given for people who think outside the box in certain situations.

Because I thought inside the box for decades re many issues - I sort of had blinders on - I suffered greatly. Now I consider all views on a subject as well as my own and consider my experience of reality - not necessarily only the reality presented to me by others, which was done to me as a child to such deleterious effect.

They say the more open your mind, the more open your heart.

Like you, I have had the experience of the spirits of people I loved who came back. I never believed in such things, and was quite contemptuous of the idea, until of course it happened to me a few years ago. This did not happen when I was sleep deprived and hallucinating. There is a big difference between the two as anyone knows who has had it happen.

From my research, it is possible to be possessed, but it is extremely rare. If you have undeveloped medium abilities, which is far more common to people who have experienced trauma than those who haven't, then you are more "open" and may experience all sorts of spirit energy and activity without knowing exactly what is happening. Maybe your dad is around, maybe not.

I know there are a lot of charlatans out there, but if you take time to research the legit ones, etc., you might contact them and get an opinion - telling them nothing of course to ferret out the true.

I have felt filled with terrifying self hatred and rage in my life, but I knew it was me and I am certain you know the difference.

If you would like titles of books on the subject and more info, let me know. I do know of a priest who checks out these cases. I think he said that it is real like only once every few years.

 

[Life_in_the_Mist]

I have experienced feeling like I have "merged" with my father, that we are now one being, that he controls me or has "contaminated my essence."

These thoughts sound psychotic to some but I believe trauma can produce a kind of "false psychosis" in some people, that is driven from anxiety, rage, etc. The far end of PTSD or atypical PTSD.

The difference for me is that I have insight, usually. I can say "It feels like my father has merged with me but that's the trauma talking." The feeling is still horrific but at least with insight, one can make choices....

 

[Lost Pup]

Have you read about the concept of the introject? It might be a useful starting place in trying to bridge the concept of "possession" with dissociation. I've experienced very similar feelings to what you describe and it has certainly felt like I was possessed, haunted, etc. But I've never literally felt like that it what was going on. I'm not familiar with your history but I know that in chinese medicine, some practitioners believe that kids who undergo major trauma never fully form normal energetic boundaries. leaving us open to all sorts of negative energetic attachments. I tend to believe this is pretty spot-on but it can be tough to talk about given that, in the West, most people don't believe in energy anatomy. I found Reiki very helpful for healing my own energetic field a few years ago.

PS. I realize how New Age Woo Woo that last sentence sounds but, with the right practitioner, Reiki is indisputably powerful stuff. Lot of sub-par energy workers out there but the good ones are amazing.

 

[arfie]

The only certainty I have about my own experiences down this rabbit hole is that they are mind-blindingly difficult to describe. It feels like more than type of phenomenon.

These days I believe the ones where I felt possessed by abusive family members are tied to my memory blocks. I believe I maintained family relations with them by repressing their psychotic aspects so deeply that those aspects developed lives of their own within my personal subconscious. Extricating those tendrils is no small feat.

And then there are the ones which feel ancestral... And the ones that feel.... And the ones... And...

 

[Hashi]

I'd be cautious about seeking any kind of exorcism from someone else. If someone's a fake then the drawbacks are obvious. If someone genuinely has some sort of power in that way, then I would think carefully about allowing them access to me and my energy. How could I be sure they would do what's best for me? What if they had an agenda, or simply missed something important? How could I be sure they wouldn't mess up, or interfere with my own internal processes for dealing with trauma?

Having said that, I'd be careful of direct confrontation even if it was me doing it. I also wouldn't expect to separate by doing just one thing or using only one approach.

I've had a weird experience of my self being merged with the self of another person who was a target of my attackers (we were together in various ways in extreme situations). I had to separate myself from him. He himself was dangerous and violent, so I was afraid of what would happen when I worked to separate.

I did "speak" to him directly once when with I was with my therapist but apart from that I did indirect things like using symbolism, imagery and ritual. It was very difficult and draining. I had to leave the issue somewhere safe for a while (an imaginary healing place which my therapist looked after for me). My intention was only to take a necessary break from it, but a lot continued to happen during that time, without me doing anything at all. Looking back, I see it as me having starting the process of healing, and that process continuing in it's own way.

I had dream guidance about it and followed that, too. It led to working with alchemy to transform the situation. Literally it involved fire, in an experimental art class I was doing. In the class I'd been working on a healing image for the issue, although no-one else knew the image had that meaning for me. I had no idea we were going to use fire in the class. I'm very Jungian so that was perfect for me.

When I first recovered memories of that trauma I felt possessed by my attackers, but not merged with them in the same way. I did a lot of visualisation of driving them out of me, and light and other things driving them out of me.

I think doing these things myself rather than going to someone else for them has been an essential part of my healing. It has been about understanding and claiming my own power. I've been very helped by other people but I wouldn't have someone else actually do something - only guide, advise and support me.

 

[Hashi]

By the way, I worked through this with a transpersonal psychotherapist. They have to meet the same requirements and registration as any other type of psychotherapist (at least in the UK they do) but their approach includes metaphysical aspects. I wonder if a psychotherapist along these lines could help you as much as an alternative practitioner? They would have to meet regular standards for training, certification and registration/licensing so that's something checkable about them.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Yes. I feel as though someone else has inhabited my body when I'm in a flash back. I act like I'm someone else and I speak like I'm someone else. It's awful.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey guys,

I've been out of normal life for a while so took a long time to answer...! It's so difficult to understand at all when somebody's living in your head without consent. And then; is this my dad of the past? Is he just a reflection of stuff I conveniently repressed and is now bubbling on the surface...? Or is it also a dad from the present attempting to tell me something or continue to control me in some way?

I know it's different from having pleasant spirits around (when my granddad died, his spirit came to visit me and later on has sometimes been with me) because he's entirely unwanted..., and his presence's a nuisance. It's like when I'm myself, I'm radio station Radise. But of late, all I get is static because he's interfering with my signal. Thinking about loved ones used to help a bit, but then there he is again (his face in my head) and their signal disappears too. It gets all replaced, I'm being deconstructed all over again. Forced to be scared of his constant presence.

I used to loathe his constant presence when I was a teen, so maybe after what mother dear did to me, this is trauma number two. He used to be really nosy, couldn't accept the fact that I wanted to be left alone, couldn't see any of my boundaries.

@Life_in_the_Mist that's exactly how it feels! yeah and it is a bit like psychosis, because sometimes I fail to recognize the difference between those visions and reality. It's so damn humiliating, I can't even take a leak, change of clothes, have a shower or anything because there he'll be. Pretending that he has all power over me and the right (not only the right, but the freaking privilege!!) to mingle in all I do, specially the intimate stuff. Makes me so frustrated I'd like to burn down villages.

@Lost Pup, yeah I've heard before that Reiki can help with PTSD. I have friend who is a practitioner. I've been shy about telling her about my issues, because my issues are such a shitstorm and she's my friend so I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. But then again maybe I know her for a reason.

@arfie, I don't know how to quote you on this thing (iPad) but that repressing the psychotic aspects of parents or family so that you start internalizing it, sounds very familiar. Did you manage to get rid of it? And if so, you mind me asking how? :-) @Hashi (I hope I'm allowed to tag this much :P) that sounds good. It is draining, I keep fighting it, but it keeps getting worse and I don't know what to do. I have been referred to yet another psychiatrist in the town where I live, so they can finally refer me to the trauma centrum. But everyday lasts an age and every day I wonder whether the struggle is worth it in the end. Did you do the symbolism under guidance of anybody? Or read some literature about it?

Finally, to all of you who have been through this. You have no idea how much respect I have for you, you guys are heroes in your own right. All of you obviously, but this feels like the hardest thing I've ever been trough, much harder than the trauma itself -since now the enemy is no longer without. If you have any more stories on how you managed to fight it, you're very welcome :-) My uncle actually suggested that I talk to my dad (phone him, lives on another continent) about it. My dad wasn't my aggressor although on an emotional level he was. He isn't anymore, I've actually had conversations with him about the PTSD and he wants to help. But we've never talked about this. I'm not sure what to do exactly... what do you think?

 

[Hashi]

Did you do the symbolism under guidance of anybody? Or read some literature about it?

I did it mostly on my own, but later I found some things relating to it, and some guidance.

My personal understanding has come from a lot of different places and what I made of them. Amongst all that, I did find the book "Psychic Protection" by William Bloom helpful in understanding the basic principles. His particular examples in the book were of very little use, but the general principles were. It could certainly give an idea about using symbolism, I think, and what kind of symbols. Also the book is about feeling under attack from people in the present. I think the principles can be adapted/extended though, to to people from the past who are having an effect.

The face-to-face guidance I've had has been from a transpersonal therapist.

Among the things I came across later, which resonated, were Belleruth Naparstek's book "Inivisible Heroes". Her general ideas made a lot of sense. Her particular visualisations didn't. I prefer to make up my own anyway.

Something I realised strongly was that most of what I read/was aware of was very focussed on making sure that negative/bad energies from people outside you couldn't reach you. However, I think it's equally important to address internalised bad energy and have imagery for that. So, for example the image of being in a bubble won't help if it's just that the bubble protects from anything coming in. The bubble also has to allow for things inside you to go out and far away from you. (I don't actually find bubble imagery useful, but this is an example to try to explain what I mean)

 

[Changing4Best]

One time this mental voice went on for three days telling me I was going to be arrested for impersonating a police officer. I'd never done that, so I was confused. It told me all about how I was going to jail, what it would be like there (with images and all) and I was terrified. It did not occur to me that this would not happen to me, that this was just a mental voice or some mean spirit tormenting me, I really believed it! When I finally came to my senses, it went away. Or maybe it went away and I finally came to my senses, I am not sure which!!! I just hope it never domes back, but this has happened in my earlier adult years too, in different ways, voices trying to tell me to kill my pet parrot, which I loved, etc. I stood there staring at the parrot, knowing I could not do this, but the voice was incessant. I did not kill my parrot, of course. Finally it went away.

Voices also during my younger years told me to do things to myself and would not stop until I did. Finally now I ignore them and pray for God to protect me and they go away.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

It's so weird that we can have enemies within, when you grow up (in a traumatic environment more so I guess) then there's one thing you think you know -which is at least within yourself you're safe. That's how it was for me anyway. If I just removed myself from my agressors then I'd be safe from harm.

Then you grow up and you discover that you aren't even safe in your own mind and body. It must be really creepy to have random voices telling you stuff that doesn't even apply to you! In my case it relates to tangible things, even if the images themselves are not real and not tangible. I also have a hard time separating those images from reality.

Finally now I ignore them

I'm happy you are able to ignore them. I tend to respond to these mental images and then I only get sucked into them more. My pride is in the way and my refusal to be "bested" by them, and my anger at them for being there in the first place. Hate how I can never relax or be at home anywhere, I always have to be struggling to discern what's real and what isn't...