Relationship Letting Go And No Contact

[Deleted member 1860]

It sounds like he really needs to be in control. What was his trauma again? Sorry if you mentioned it before. My trauma was from childhood and things were always so out of control that I tried to control everything around me as much as I could. Fortunately I've learned to let go of a lot of that need for control, but I know I still need to improve in that area.

It seems that the "b!tch" thing and the "busting my balls" thing fits in with his need to be in control.

 

[nomedic1]

Sounds like he is using PTSD as an excuse to cheat

 

[DeedeeRSM]

I don't want to tell exactly, but similar to combat.

I guess you're right..he needs to be in control ultimately.

Today I spoke with him, as I thought I have to man up and face him one day. He accepts that I don't have any romantic feelings left for him and I told him I feel abused and manipulated by him.

At first he kept shifting the blame telling me he has much less stress since we were in no contact. I explained to him that this is because he is not ready for a relationship yet as his stress levels are much higher than the average Joe, and that it has nothing to do with me personally.

He kept saying he knew he was wrong and that he will be sorry for having treated me this way. But that he just can't help himself now. So then I asked, if you are AWARE of what you do, you can make sure you TRY to make small adjustments, just like I did.
I told him it's not fair to just say, this is me right now and this is how I feel so deal with it. Especially if you're aware of the fact you're doing hurtful things.

Then he said something that broke my heart. I cried but I didn't let him know. He said: I know I treat people badly, I know this, but this isn't me. The real me isn't like this, and you have not once in the past 3 years seen the real me. Nobody had seen the real me he said, in years and I know it's gonna come back once I'm further in my therapy. He said; because if this is the way I have become and I will stay for the rest of my life, I might just as well end it right now.

I know from what I've read from this site, and all of the sufferers who write here, that that ''old me'' never comes back. It's the new him that is going to learn to cope better with life. Or is it possible? Can he come back?

 

[bell]

The "old me" kinda comes back. It's the same, but different, if that makes sense. With a lot of work, your defensive maladaptive coping systems change back to a more "normal" (relatively speaking) state, meaning that part of you begins to do things like feel again. However, I'm sorry to say, that this can literally take years, and in some cases, decades.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It depends on how much of the "old me" he is looking for. Trauma changes us forever, so we won't be exactly the same person we were before. However, we can heal. We can find a new normal.

I may not be the best person to answer this as I was traumatized at age 4 so don't remember the pre-trauma me. I do, however, remember my pre-PTSD me from back in high school, and yes, she was pretty cool. As I heal, I can literally feel that person coming back. I forgot what confidence felt like, but once I started to regain a feeling of confidence, it was like "yes!!! I'm getting the old me back!"

I think he can heal if he works at it. I think it is incredibly self aware of him to say that to you (about him knowing this is not who he is). A lot of people can't see such things about themselves. There is hope for him. (I'm not saying you should go back to him though!)

 

[DeedeeRSM]

However, I'm sorry to say, that this can literally take years, and in some cases, decades.

As long as there is hope for him...this is good to hear, I just hope he doesn't get more depressed during this period

I think he can heal if he works at it. I think it is incredibly self aware of him to say that to you (about him knowing this is not who he is). A lot of people can't see such things about themselves. There is hope for him. (I'm not saying you should go back to him though!)

Yes, I as quite surprised (positive) to hear this coming out of his mouth. He said it after an hour of trying to blame me though, so he's just starting to accept. And no....definitely not getting back together.

I love him I truly do, but if I don't take care of me, nobody will. I'm here for him as a friend, as I know he can't talk to anybody about his trauma's except for me. But I am not putting up with his behaviours towards me any longer. Whether he does it on purpose or not.

I absolutely understand that everything gives him stress and he's acting out of coping mechanisms, but I deserve to be happy too.
It's better for both his and my development to be apart now. (I never wanted to accept this before, as I thought love could solve all, now I know more about PTSD and I know it can't.)