What To Ask Of Supporters

[keifer]

I don't know what to ask of my supporters. I have failed and failed to explain what I'm going through.

 

[Sandi79]

As a supporter, start off asking for your most immediate need. If you need space, try being able to vocalize that. Communication is difficult, I understand.

 

[keifer]

I want the flashbacks and pain to stop. I guess I could add the invading thoughts, anger, nightmares, and fragmented memory to just end.

 

[digger]

I want the flashbacks and pain to stop. I guess I could add the invading thoughts, anger, nightmares, and fragmented memory to just end.

Your supporters aren't going to be able to actually stop any of that. Try to think of specific things they could do to help you cope with those things instead. What would you do to support a friend in your situation?

 

[keifer]

I have no idea what to even ask for.

 

[digger]

Okay, pick one thing from that list you posted above. Now imagine that it is someone else trying to deal with it, what could you offer them to support them? Is there anything practical you could do to help them?

 

[Optimistic]

If you have someone, or people, who really want to help and support you then ask them to do a bit of research - to read up, so they can get some sort of explanation of what is going on for you, without it all coming from you as it can be hard understanding when someone you are emotionally attached to is having to try and explain, and they know that it might not make any sense to you.
Maybe send them a couple of links to info/symptoms that you really identify with - it might make it easier on both of you when you then speak to them about you, personally.

But a really important thing is to be as honest as you can be about what you need...I know this isn't always easy, but if you are able to tell them when you need space or when you want company or a hug or whatever, then it will make a huge difference to you both. They will be over the moon that they can do the right thing and give you the support you need and you will feel safe to ask for it.

I am a supporter of my girlfriend who was diagnosed with PTSD and depression in December and we are both on a steep learning curve. I am understanding more and more everyday because I am listening to her as well as doing my research...our friends, while they love and support her, struggle to understand what we are going through because they don't know a lot about the condition and so struggle to understand her.

Hope this helps and good luck.

 

[digger]

Is practical support most important to you? Or do you think understanding of your condition would be more helpful? I don't have any support so I'm probably not the best person to be taking advice from, but I think these are the sort of things I would be looking at if I did. Trying to pinpoint specific things and looking at what it is that is making me feel unsupported. Do you have a therapist you could brainstorm any of this with?

 

[Bedbug]

I want the flashbacks and pain to stop. I guess I could add the invading thoughts, anger, nightmares, and fragmented memory to just end.

Just a few practical suggestions that might help to get you started:

Flashbacks: ask them to tell you if they've noticed what triggers them, ask them to help you ground yourself in whatever ways work best for you, ask them to sit with you afterwards, or to give you space and time on your own...

Invading thoughts: ask them to gently point out if you seem to be obsessing over one thought too much, ask them to distract you with chit chat, ask them what they are thinking about right that moment...

Anger: ask them to point out when you are starting to get angry, ask them to count to 10 with you, breathe calmly, or whatever works for you, ask them not to argue with you when you are angry, ask them to remind you to walk away...

Nightmares: ask them to wake you up, ask them to hold you, ask them if you can talk about the nightmare, ask them to fetch you a glass of water, ask them to help you get into a better sleep routine, ask them to tell you that you are ok and that it was just a nightmare...

Fragmented memory: ask them to help you write down your memories, ask them to read what you have written, ask them not to push you to recall details, ask them to leave notes for you if you are forgetting to do things...

I also think that knowing your supporter understands as much as possible what you are going through can be a great comfort too. Try writing down what you feel if that is easier than speaking. If you struggle to explain at all, give them articles, links, phone numbers for support organisations...

I'm sure others will be along soon with more suggestions.

 

[Everhopeful]

Just ask them to be there for you as much as they can. Ask them to look after themselves too, as it is hard to watch someone in the throes of suffering when there seems not a thing anyone can do about it to ease the pain.

You do not need to explain everything all in one go. There is just way, way too much, and putting it all into words into an easily understood summary is too much to ask of anyone. One day you will be able to put things into more of a context, as you gain distance from it, but not now. Most people with empathy will understand and grasp this.