Practical Methods To Challenge Intense Guilt.

[billie]

I am really strugling with the fact that I escape my ordeal alive when I was a young teen. At the moment I am going through exposure therapy and I cant help but feel absolute guilt that there were younger victims then myself there, and I could not help. My guilt is debilitating, and I know it will only get worse the more I remember in therapy. I am hoping for any input on practical methods anybody has used to challenge their guilt. I would love to hear any input that may help.

 

[nomedic1]

You can't be guilty billie, you were strong enough to escape, if you had tried to help then, then you wouldn't have escaped, but if you stick with the therapy and remember we are here we can make the process easier.We believe in you.

 

[Hashi]

There are several things that I've had to do with regard to survival guilt.

One is that I have to keep bringing my thoughts round to the responsibility being with the perpetrators, not with me. I don't say remind myself or tell myself, because that isn't strong enough. It's almost like I have to physically move my thoughts, using a lot of effort, to keep bringing my consciousness to how things actually were - I didn't perpetrate what happened, they did. What happened to other people was not my fault, it was the fault of the perpetrators. They had the power, not me.

Another thing is that I see that my "job" wasn't to save other people - I couldn't. My job is to work on recovery now - that, I can do. I see working on my own recovery as a way of honouring people who couldn't/can't escape. Maybe this doesn't make sense to other people, but I believe we're all connected energetically. What I do makes a difference to the energy in the world. If I get stronger, it adds to the potential for other people to be strong. If I heal, it adds to the potential for other people to heal.

There may be people in the past who I couldn't help. Tearing myself apart about that now doesn't help them. It doesn't help them to hold them forever in that past place of suffering, and I think I am holding them there in my mind when I feel the guilt. It's a kind of distinction between honouring their experience, and me being stuck in the fact that they had that experience. I need to "allow" that experience to end for them, and let them be at peace, or be healing now.

I also find rituals very helpful. Rituals for them, which also help me to let go of them. (In the same way that we have rituals like funerals and wakes to help us let go when we lose someone.) For example for someone who died related to one of my traumas I've made a cairn for them (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cairn). I did this in a place that was very peaceful and appropriate to them and the situation.

I've also done rituals to separate from someone else's past suffering, for example when I made the cairn I started with rocks and a living plant together, then deliberately moved them apart as a symbol of separation. The cairn represented something I can't change and the plant, which I then planted somewhere else, represented me leaving that part of my past and continuing to heal in the present, away from it.

 

[macca]

Billie - I'm sorry you feel so horrible. Your survival didn't cause others not to survive - it was the perpetrators. That you feel guilt indicates that you are a good person, light years ahead of the perps. But you are carrying guilt that belongs to them. Don't carry it for them. I want to like Hashi's post 10 000 times - that sounds like really sound advice. I hope it helps you.

 

[Hashi]

I just thought of something else, which is lighting candles for people. That has been very helpful too.

It's important to me not to do that in my home - again, I need to be able to both honour the person and separate myself. In my own home, I only light candles for myself and people currently in my life.

So I light candles in a church. I don't know how you would feel about going into a church, or perhaps a place of worship belonging to a different faith where you could light a candle. I'm not religious but I feel a respect for church buildings as places for people to connect with bigger or higher things.

I've found that sometimes the church will have little cards or notices about the purpose/symbolism of lighting candles. Sometimes they offer a choice of prayers that you might want to say. These can be very moving. I've been touched by words about healing darkness, letting my own light shine, and sending light to someone who isn't in the present with me now. Otherwise, I make up my own words for why I'm lighting the candle and what my intention is.

 

[billie]

We are here we can make the process easier.We believe in you.

That means the world to me Nomedic. Thankyou

 

[billie]

@Hashi wow. I would not have thought of that. I have spent the afternoon reading entrapment trauma and your advice correlates well. I still have not cried, and it is like a mental death. I shall try your methods.Thank you.

 

[Hashi]

I hope it helps you. I just posted an additional thing above, by the way, which crossed with yours I think.

Sending you good thoughts.

 

[Seasounds]

I relate to your process. From what I went through, it felt like I was defying gravity and a deeply held survival instinct-to stay and fight with the clan that I had bonded with-in trauma. As I got a toe-hold on a new level of health, the impulse to leave arose, especially since the tribe mentality kept me stuck. The guilt of leaving others behind was very great.

In addition to what Hashi recommended, what helped me was thinking of animal survival patterns and development psychology.

• It helped reminding myself that I was denying herd survival instinct and breaking from the old herd (unit of kindred spirits) and moving to a better one, to ensure my survival and improve my life.
• In transitioning from one herd unto another-that was yet to be created, I knew I might need to implement many supports, daily. Plan on a a few months of transition time. Rituals, support groups, therapy, writing and saying new affirmations-aloud and silently, all create the new bedrock.
• Finding new people and groups, I was attracted to, and that seemed to embody a healthier psychophysical reality, helped me establish a new sense of belonging and directed me to what "I was moving toward".
• Shifting herds was a time that greatly I benefited from a soul retrieval ceremony.
• Regular exercise, of any kind, helped me integrate the shifting-from one embodied belief system and reality, unto another.
• I was very intentional with my time, making sure to I got enough sleep.
• Bodywork helped the shift, just like exercise.
• Simple joyous thoughts and activities helped me break up/shift the guilt and it helped remind myself that happiness still existed.

You will make it through. Many hugs!