How To Forgive, If Possible?

[sunnydayz]

I believe my PTSD was caused by 2 years of my husband raping me while he was in an Ambien "daze". The behavior has stopped and I am seeing my T. He, of course, wants me to get better and move on. While I would love to pretend like nothing happened, I simply can't. I would love to have the old relationship we used to have before all of this happened, but I keep telling my self "How can I love someone who raped me?" "How can I share a life with someone who raped me?" "How can I move forward and forgive someone who raped me?" I guess I am really not looking for advice, but rather just an outlet for my frustrations. I would, however, be interested in knowing if anyone else out there is dealing with the same issues as me.

 

[Bedbug]

I might have picked you up wrong but, to me, the fact that you put "daze" in quotation marks speaks volumes. It sounds like you don't see his behaviour during that two year period as being solely due to Ambien. Do you really think the prior relationship was ok? This question might be just as important as whether you can forgive him.

Anyway, I am sorry if I've misinterpreted what you wrote and I am sorry you have been through such an awful experience. I hope you are able to find a way forward.

 

[digger]

I'm struggling with his Ambien alibi too. Do you really 100% believe that it caused him to rape you? Would that stand up in court? I think the feelings you have are to be expected. Have you considered a temporary separation while you pursue therapy for a while?

 

[franciemarnie]

I was never raped by someone I loved as an adult.

But I was subject to cruel and abusive behavior as a child, which prepared me to put up with cruel and abusive behavior as an adult.

A crime is a crime no matter if the person did it under the influence or dead sober.

If you were stabbed and injured "accidentally", your wound would be no less than if it were intentional. You have to deal with the wound, and I simply can't imagine the kind of T or doctor saying just forget it happened and move on when you are still bleeding so to speak. Or were you referring to your husband?

You are asking the right questions.

 

[natalya]

Sorry to hear that. Why was he on ambian to begin with? Definetly go speak to your T. Let us know how it goes.

 

[sunnydayz]

I might have picked you up wrong but, to me, the fact that you put "daze" in quotation marks speaks volumes. It sounds like you don't see his behaviour during that two year period as being solely due to Ambien. Do you really think the prior relationship was ok? This question might be just as important as whether you can forgive him.

Bedbug- You are completely right. I believe the Ambien triggered something, but there is still a reason why it happened. We always had a very healthy relationship before all of this started. I find it hard to believe that the Ambien was the culpret. There IS an underlying problem and a reason why he would have even done it. When this happened, it wasn't like he was new to Ambien. He had actually been on it for a few years prior to the abuse. We have done research and found out it was intended to be a temporary tool to help people sleep, not a permanent, every night drug.

Have you considered a temporary separation while you pursue therapy for a while?

Digger1- Yes, I have. I mentioned a separation at the end fo December. I wanted to kind of take turns living at the house weekly (we have 2 young children). He did not want that and said if he leaves, its permanent and wants a divorce. After those discussions, I wasn't ready to completely let go. So I told him I wanted to wait. I have a hard time thinking back on this. I feel so weak about it all.

If you were stabbed and injured "accidentally", your wound would be no less than if it were intentional. You have to deal with the wound, and I simply can't imagine the kind of T or doctor saying just forget it happened and move on when you are still bleeding so to speak. Or were you referring to your husband?
.

Francie- I am referring to my husband. Since joining this site and meeting with my T, I have come to realize he is trying to be manipulative. Day by day, I am getting stronger. Thanks to all of you and my T.

 

[sunnydayz]

sorry to hear that. why was he on ambian to begin with? definetly go speak to your T. let us know how it goes.

After we had our first child, he started having bad sleeping problems. His doctor at the time, prescribed him Ambien. He was on it for over 6 years.

 

[Bedbug]

"If he leaves, its permanent and wants a divorce."

Wow!

"I have come to realize he is trying to be manipulative."

I fear you may be right.

That said, Ambien has been linked to aggressive, violent and out of character behaviour. I am so sorry you are going through this. Get all the advice you can, but remember to trust your instinct too.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this one.

I was on medication that sent me into rages. Everyone, including my doctor, thought the rage was due to PTSD. Understandable as anger can be a component of PTSD.

However, in your case, rape isn't a symptom of something else. It's not something that would have an alternate explanation/excuse (outside of medication side effect). Rather, this is something that happened to you over and over again over a period of years and during this time you believed it was your husbands own will?

I'm curious as to what happened in between the first rape and the realization that it was Ambien influenced over 2 years later. (That was rhetorical, no need to go into details.) I can't imagine what you were dealing with for those two years.

I guess my point is that after two years of trauma, I'm not sure your mind will ever let you get to a point where you'll be fully ok with your husband.

No, he isn't responsible for the medication side effects, but he does in fact have a responsibility to minimize these effects after they're experienced the first time. I mean wouldn't he even question his own behavior after the first rape?

 

[Hashi]

While I would love to pretend like nothing happened, I simply can't.

sunnydayz, please be careful. Based on your posts here and in other threads, my impression is that you would love to pretend that nothing's happening in the present either. You seem to be working hard towards that.

I don't know if you realise that all your posts on the forum have been about your husband and how to fix the relationship. You have PTSD and are on a PTSD forum, but you haven't posted anything about your own symptoms and recovery.

What is your therapist's specialty? What are you aiming for in therapy?

 

[sunnydayz]

@Hashi

Be careful of what? I know it seems to be a lot about him, but our relationship being strained is just as hard as trying to deal with what is going on with me.

I don't know what to do or what to talk about. Like I told him yesterday, when I look at you, I don't see the man I married, the man I fell in love with or the man who fathered my children. When I look at you, I see the man who raped me.

I guess I am a bit confused at your comments. Should I go into details about my symptoms and recovery? About how I can't stand his touch, about how the thoughts of this occupy my mind daily? About how the only reason I am excited to be off work is to see my kids and if weren't for them, I would want to work 24/7? My therapist specializes in family and marriage as well as sexual abuse. I have only seen her 3 times. I believe my road to recovery doesn't only apply to fixing me, but fixing/letting go of my marriage. I don't see how I could not talk about it....

 

[The Albatross]

Sunny, I can relate to a degree because when my present husband was actively drinking he used me in an unkind/unpleasant/angry way. Alcohol fueled not a med. It sparked off in me a sexual dysfunction that I'm dealing with only now. But I get what you are trying to convey.

Basically for me, I was asked to determine, "Is my partner a well intentioned person?" I had to be willing to look at the "whole" human being. That for me was the beginning of forgiveness. Conversely my spouse had to decide that about me as well.