What am I feeling today? :cautious:
Kinda tired... physically, emotionally, mentally. I might be pushing a tiny bit too hard with exercise. I took a day off, I'm going to a movie later today instead. Emotionally, I'm just sick of dealing with what I KNOW is irrational thinking... but look, here it comes again despite everything I do! Mentally... I'm starting to feel just a little overwhelmed. Y'know, every high has a comedown. It's true that I wasn't very manic the last two weeks... but I was manic, and everything felt easy and doable and all... now, I gotta reset and push through all the negative thinking and worry that comes with being on the other side of the bipolar thing. Yes, it's getting better... I'm staying closer and closer to the middle, to normal (what's that? ;)) but it's still a total pain in the butt! So, I'm feeling frustrated. Like life is really unfair. Like I should get more points, more progress, for working so hard. Like things should be just a little bit easier! :sour:
I'm feeling cold and hungry. Which is super weird, because I'm not really cold, exactly... I mean, there are sweaters, blankets, it's a nice temperature in the house. I think cold really ties into this childhood feeling of being alone and neglected. And this stupid hungry business is crazy making! When I was a kid, there were times I locked myself in my room to avoid my father, and therefore avoid (or really... just postpone) the abuse... but the downside of that was no food, limited water. And every month now, decades later, it's the same thing... I feel cold and hungry. GAH! Yes, I just ate, really healthy, filling, tasty food. I just need to ride these feelings out. Maybe I'll put on my sweater... even though I know this feeling of being cold is mental rather than physical. Jeez. :meh:
I am trying to hold on tight to feeling content and happy. Nothing has changed since a couple days ago when everything was great. I'm fine. It's just my stupid, stupid cPTSD, bipolar, all-around screwed up brain that is telling me differently! GAH! Can you sense the frustration? Breathe in, breathe out. :confused:
I am determined to do good things and be content. My life is good. I am making all kinds of progress managing my cPTSD, issues with childhood neglect, being bipolar, etc. I am doing good. I will be content. I will be grateful. I will not let this insane crap in my head win! I will not let my horrible, f-ed up parents win by letting them hurt me one more day! GAH! :shy:
I am hanging in there. I am getting up right now and leaving my bedroom before I start freaking out that I can't leave my bedroom. :unsure: I am going out today. I am having a good day! I am f-ing determined!
--- Short PTSD Intermission ---
DAMMIT! I thought about leaving my bedroom and then I just started melting down and crying and yelling at my husband, the convenient and completely innocent target of my PTSD outbursts. To be clear, he knows it's all PTSD stuff that has to come out and he's willing to listen... he knows it's not him, nothing about my meltdowns are about him... I'm just so bad at figuring out emotions, and I know he loves me, he's understanding, I can be crazy and he still tells me I'm a good person. It's all insanity, I don't understand him AT ALL, but I am grateful he's here. It's not fair to him at all, though. I hate it when I make him a target. I have done SO MUCH to isolate and deal with these things on my own or in therapy... BUT IT JUST DOESN'T WORK! And the longer I have it all inside of me, the worse the inevitable outburst gets! He knows this, and encourages me to just let it out, however I can, even if the only way I can deal with emotions is to project them onto him, or project nonexistent problems onto him. Jeez. Even with his permission and his encouragement, it's still so wrong. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to hurt my husband... he's like a saint with me about this stuff, so patient. Anyways... after freaking out about printer paper, of all things, I was able to roll it back and really identify what some of the actual problems were... things related to the past. Then he was able to remind me it wasn't my fault, that being perfect wouldn't have solved things, and that my father was just a bad, messed up person. But still, all I can feel right now is that I'm bad, I'm horrible, if only I was good, then I wouldn't screw up everything. If only I was good, my father wouldn't hit me, my father wouldn't choke me, my father would just love me. IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS SINCE I'VE SEEN MY FATHER. This is so f-ing annoying! GAH! :arghh;
Sorry, sorry, sorry. This is my life. I'm just determined to keep fighting against my screwed up thinking all day, all week, for as long as it takes. We'll see how it goes. But lemme state in no uncertain terms... I HATE THIS CRAP! :mad: (Sorry for the swearing... I edited it from something much more severe, though.)
Finally, as always, I'm feeling embarrassed that my posts are too long and too full of oversharing. :sick: I'm sorry.
