And I'm watching those pieces fall off one by one. Actually, it feels more like it's a hundred at a time. I hate to admit it, but I'm scared. I want to get better, but part of me would rather just keep shoving everything back into the depths of my subconscious. Right now, the former seems to be slightly stronger -- I wouldn't be writing if not for that.
I don't know where to start. It's hard for me to even talk about what I struggle with currently. I haven't even been able to mention it to my partner. I worry about upsetting him or causing him more stress than he can handle right now. I feel lonely a lot because I haven't started my new job yet, and he works 6 days a week and 3 of those are 13 hour days. I worry about him being overwhelmed if I throw all my crap on top of that mountain, especially considering that he doesn't seem to have anywhere for emotional support. I've tried to bring that up with him because we had a rough time in December and January when we were staying at his parent's home -- we were arguing a lot and didn't have much to do so there was a lack of space. I told him that I couldn't be his main emotional support and that he needed somewhere/one to talk to when I can't be there for him. I recommended the forum here, but I don't think he took that seriously... We had a little bit of a falling out when he told me he felt resentful about feeling obligated to support me over the past year in December. We talked and argued in circles, and I can't remember half of the conversations we had. I thought about how I could help him really hard, but other than continuing to work together on improvement, I couldn't figure out how to better deal with the resentment. He says that he doesn't really feel that way anymore, though he sounded apprehensive when he said it so I'm not sure if he really meant it. I didn't press the issue, but it's been bothering me a lot lately. We never sorted through that completely, so I think we're probably overdue for a serious talk. Or several seeing as I tend to forget them. :cautious:
I can barely get this next part out. I had sworn that I would never abandon my younger sister again, but I had to. I really couldn't take all the stress and complete disregard for boundaries. I don't know if I ever mentioned having PTSD to her, but I did make it more than clear that she couldn't mention our mother to me under any circumstance. Several times I had to repeat that. She acted as a messenger multiple times. She even did that when I was at work. I nearly lost it that time, it was so embarrassing. I was nearly yelling at her to leave.:( She relayed gifts and tried to talk to me about our mother, and each time I would sternly tell her that she couldn't do that. The days I spoke to her were always awful. I would be barely able to hold it together to get home and cry. Twice at work she came to see me, and I broke down in the bathroom. Recently, she contacted me and I just couldn't deal with going through that again. I'm done with putting myself through that. I blocked her on all of the media she knew I use. Ultimately, I know it was the right decision for me, but I still hate myself for it. I had to abandon her when I left home at 15, I hate doing that again. She's the last of the family on my mother's side that I've had to cut out.
Speaking of that side of the family, I also have a twin (fraternal) sister. I had cut her out years ago.... must be 4 now. Without my permission, my younger sister had given her my email address. My younger sister knew that I had removed my twin sister from my life because she was verbally attacking me, and still gave her my email. I was shaking when I saw that email from her. Then I had flashbacks. The email itself was well intentioned -- it was to ask me to speak with her again as she is/was pregnant and wanted her daughter to know me... I pushed her so far away that I can't even to begin to forgive her or separate her from my mother. Just thinking about my twin sister brings back so many horrible memories.
These past few weeks have been so hard because of that. I've had nightmares every night. I was crying in my sleep last night. Insomnia has gotten worse, which really messes me up because once I fall asleep I stay in bed for 12 to 14 hours. I feel like a bottle that's about to explode. Writing helps a little bit, but I still have all these emotions I can't truly feel right now. It's like there's a glass wall, I can see what's behind it but I can't touch it. I really hate this feeling. :banghead: It makes me feel so anxious because I know it all has to come out, but I don't know when or where that's going to happen. I don't even know how to prepare for when that will happen.
I don't know where to start. It's hard for me to even talk about what I struggle with currently. I haven't even been able to mention it to my partner. I worry about upsetting him or causing him more stress than he can handle right now. I feel lonely a lot because I haven't started my new job yet, and he works 6 days a week and 3 of those are 13 hour days. I worry about him being overwhelmed if I throw all my crap on top of that mountain, especially considering that he doesn't seem to have anywhere for emotional support. I've tried to bring that up with him because we had a rough time in December and January when we were staying at his parent's home -- we were arguing a lot and didn't have much to do so there was a lack of space. I told him that I couldn't be his main emotional support and that he needed somewhere/one to talk to when I can't be there for him. I recommended the forum here, but I don't think he took that seriously... We had a little bit of a falling out when he told me he felt resentful about feeling obligated to support me over the past year in December. We talked and argued in circles, and I can't remember half of the conversations we had. I thought about how I could help him really hard, but other than continuing to work together on improvement, I couldn't figure out how to better deal with the resentment. He says that he doesn't really feel that way anymore, though he sounded apprehensive when he said it so I'm not sure if he really meant it. I didn't press the issue, but it's been bothering me a lot lately. We never sorted through that completely, so I think we're probably overdue for a serious talk. Or several seeing as I tend to forget them. :cautious:
I can barely get this next part out. I had sworn that I would never abandon my younger sister again, but I had to. I really couldn't take all the stress and complete disregard for boundaries. I don't know if I ever mentioned having PTSD to her, but I did make it more than clear that she couldn't mention our mother to me under any circumstance. Several times I had to repeat that. She acted as a messenger multiple times. She even did that when I was at work. I nearly lost it that time, it was so embarrassing. I was nearly yelling at her to leave.:( She relayed gifts and tried to talk to me about our mother, and each time I would sternly tell her that she couldn't do that. The days I spoke to her were always awful. I would be barely able to hold it together to get home and cry. Twice at work she came to see me, and I broke down in the bathroom. Recently, she contacted me and I just couldn't deal with going through that again. I'm done with putting myself through that. I blocked her on all of the media she knew I use. Ultimately, I know it was the right decision for me, but I still hate myself for it. I had to abandon her when I left home at 15, I hate doing that again. She's the last of the family on my mother's side that I've had to cut out.
Speaking of that side of the family, I also have a twin (fraternal) sister. I had cut her out years ago.... must be 4 now. Without my permission, my younger sister had given her my email address. My younger sister knew that I had removed my twin sister from my life because she was verbally attacking me, and still gave her my email. I was shaking when I saw that email from her. Then I had flashbacks. The email itself was well intentioned -- it was to ask me to speak with her again as she is/was pregnant and wanted her daughter to know me... I pushed her so far away that I can't even to begin to forgive her or separate her from my mother. Just thinking about my twin sister brings back so many horrible memories.
These past few weeks have been so hard because of that. I've had nightmares every night. I was crying in my sleep last night. Insomnia has gotten worse, which really messes me up because once I fall asleep I stay in bed for 12 to 14 hours. I feel like a bottle that's about to explode. Writing helps a little bit, but I still have all these emotions I can't truly feel right now. It's like there's a glass wall, I can see what's behind it but I can't touch it. I really hate this feeling. :banghead: It makes me feel so anxious because I know it all has to come out, but I don't know when or where that's going to happen. I don't even know how to prepare for when that will happen.
