Relationship Can My Boyfriend Ever Heal And Trust. (childhood Neglect And Combat Ptsd)

[bell]

Okay, I'm going to make one last comment and then I'll go. @Miss walt, we get that your relationship is good sometimes, you don't need to explain that. We see that it's great, even. However, anytime anyone says the words "kill you" and it isn't a joke, it is not a joke. We're harping on it because you seem to be completely in denial of its seriousness.

It doesn't matter if it's over the phone, across the world, even. It doesn't matter if he's drunk or stoned or tripping. A real man would *never* say that to a woman, not even as a joke, because domestic violence is *never* a joke. What would you say to a friend if her boyfriend said that to her? Would you tell her to stay? Or that she is worth more? (Hint: She's worth more.)

Oh, and I see that you wrote that you "had PTSD." Um, sorry to tell you, but there is no cure. Therefore, if you did have it, it's with you... for life. And if it's flared up before, it can all-too-easily do so again.

 

[Miss walt]

Depending on the severity of trauma and support received you can recover from PTSD. I am doubtful that continuous abuse and the post war PTSD may only recover to a degree however. And yes I in the capacity of support and friend I stand by this person who is currently unwell and embarking on a road to recovery. But I do not wish to remain in a physical relationship at present. I am thinking it is not good for either of us. His health is first and foremost.

In a different thread, I noticed a person''s therapist told her, fake it til you feel it. Dubious on that personally but I think potentially that is what he has done with relationships.

My feeling of being same with him - I did not mean it in a deep and meaningful sense. I meant practically. This is simply because of his hardiness and military background. The cheating, never has occurred in a physical sense. How do I know that? Because since June, when off his rotations, he is here every night and day. When he is not here, he is on an oil rig. My personal feeling on facebook banter is cheating and that's cos I am extremely loyal.

Bell, did you read the response from anonymous? About heat of the moment lashing out. If one of my friends had said to me her guy had said that, I would look at the bigger picture. When he said that, it in all honesty it raised no alarm bell for me at all. I know him too well now.

Have you someone in your family or do you know anyone that has had post combat PTSD? I was chatting to an American girl and her bf went to war and despite a good relationship usually, he disappeared off to hotels here and there and got wasted. One stage he was wasted and told her, leave me, stay away from me or I will end up killing you. It almost made me laugh when C said this to me, it reminded me of a child acting out a scene with bus soldiers. It was t a scene out of a scream movie. I am in no denial. As I said before, denial equals ignorance, turn a blind eye, I walked away, he had a nervous breakdown and he sought help which I sourced. I am there again now, but have taken a step back. Personally, I am happy, I am lucky, I have a nice relaxed life, I don't focus on next year or even six months away. Life can end so quickly and is far too short to hold grudges against people who verbally lashed out once whilst under the influence. What kind of person would I be to turn my back on someone who contacts me and say I do need help, please can u make that appointment for me. I believe I have made the right decision now to support him with companionship rather than love etc.

 

[Justmehere]

No one is suggesting you don't help him get therapy. No one has written anything like that.

In most places in the world, stating that you want to kill someone is a crime. It is wrong. Most societies put people in jail who do that. Why? To keep society safe. In the UK, your boyfriend/friend could be put in jail for what he has done by threatening to kill you, regardless if it is a joke or not. It is called "Making Threats to Kill" and people go away to prison in the UK for years for doing it.

Do you understand why?

 

[Miss walt]

Your tone is fairly patronising if I am honest. Would you imagine for a minute, I am an intelligent, well balanced 35 year old. If I believed him to be a danger I would have sought help in the police. His own mum was murdered by her bf, something he is all to aware of is domestic abuse. in all honesty if I had gone to the police over that, they probably get his army medical records out and dismiss him with a warning. It wasn't a joke it was not a threat, it was an outburst of despair. You clinging on to something that is not so relevant to the very first post. Have you ever heard anyone, anyone at all, say something like, "oh my gosh I would kill him if that happened" or," I will give you what for if you carry on?" Or words to that effect. The majority of the world would all be in prison if we all grassed up on such statements. Saying something and doing it are every different right?
Anyway...

On another note spirituality PTSD website sheds some light. ) Our trauma psych at work explained to me about how these vets can become addicted. Funnily enough one drug trial for PTSD right now is for a cocaine based medicine. As it stimulates the part of the brain that gets less blood in PTSD, the part responsible for emotion and cognitive thought. The part responsible for anger and outbursts gets more blood. This drug is a way off yet, but sheds interesting light. My reason for joining forum was to not be belittled or patronised. Every person story is different and as we see, PTSD effects people in many forms and severities. If I was an emotionally abused or domestically abused woman I probably would not be posting here, I would be attending a support group for such women. For a stranger to me or C I can see why it would set an alarm bell....maybe. But it never made me feel that way at all. Rather than respect that, it's like a broken record here. I was more concerned about the messed up state of his emotions from the childhood stuff...I see more similarities from veterans wives, girlfriends and exes. Some of the replies from all of you have had a little sense though and some a lot. But there is defo more of a sense of understanding from the post combat PTSD groups. Which hi lights how PTSD does vary, especially of TBI has occurred. X

 

[Justmehere]

I do not mean to be patronizing. I'm sorry of my words came across that way - it is not intended. I'm sorry if I came across as belittling. That was not intended and I can see how I should have worded things differently. I actually meant my question not as a rhetorical or patronizing one, but as a genuine question. My bad. I was really trying to understand your perspective.

You may find other people online who feel it is tolerable when someone says, "I will kill you." But you can also find people online who feel all kinds of extreme things are ok. You brought up that he threatened to kill you on a forum for many survivors of many kinds of life threatening events. This is maybe the group of people that would be perhaps most alarmed by a threat to kill anyone. The alarm was expressed about that AND many other things you write about.

I personally have never heard anyone joke about killing someone, an certainly not to the person. I would never say to someone I love and/or live with in a joking manner that I would kill them. I don't understand why someone would do that. But seems clear that you do not feel it is concerning to make a joke to threaten to kill you, so I will just leave it at that. We clearly disagree on that.

The majority of people addicted to drugs are self medicating the pain of trauma because crack, heroin, alcohol, etc does temporarily reduce the pain. It does work on some level, that's why people do it. Perhaps they can develop a safe and non-addicting or brain damage causing drug to help PTSD. Recent studies have show that healing attachment wounds in therapy can cause the natural release of the same chemicals that narcotics do. There are many paths to healing.

I am glad you are reaching out for support here, and I wish you well in your own journey.

 

[bell]

A real man would *never* say that to a woman, not even as a joke, because domestic violence is *never* a joke.

@Miss walt, I stand by what I said. If you love someone and care for them, no matter what your gender, you don't say things like that. Ever. I have had PTSD since I am too young to remember and have loved people with PTSD for a very long time. And none of them have ever said anything remotely violent to me. If they had, even though I loved them, it would be game over. I can recognize a joke when I see one. He noted that if you were to stand in the way of his job, he would kill you. That is not a joke, that is a threat.

From the way I see it, I'm glad that you don't know the reality of what that could mean. Consider yourself lucky. Good luck with all of this. That's great that you're trying to get him help, but please take care of yourself first.

 

[Echo]

@Miss walt - I would just encourage you to go back to what you first wrote on this thread. The passage in the paragraph where you mention this episode is very alarming, and it came from you. I am not sure how you expected us to react in any other way. It just does not read like a joke, and I can't imagine you thought it was when you wrote it. It's fine, though, if you want to see it that way.

We all have enormous experience of PTSD and CPTSD - we are either supporters or sufferers, and many among us are military or support military people. In my case, I have them in the family.

You do know your own relationship, of course, but please bear in mind that we have (sufferers) experienced many forms of brutal behaviour, bullying, emotional abuse and the like, and we do recognise it when we see it. Unfortunately, we have had to learn the hard way often from the earliest days of our childhoods.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Christmas 2013 was horrific with him drinking, and sleeping and putting drinking first always. I became depressed and anxious and said I didn't know if we can carry on like this if he won't get help. He once again disappeared, drank for three days straight, took drugs and slept out and did sleep with another girl who is a jobless, loose, drug user. Nobody nice. He couldn't face me anymore after this. He told me he hated me and would kill me. It was like he blamed me for his weekend of misery.

Could you point out to me what part of this sounds like he was joking? Because, I have read it and re-read it and I just don't see it. This didn't happen that long ago....only a couple of months ago so you can't even say 'it was so long ago and nothing like this has been said since'. Keep in mind, YOU are the one who wrote this when you came to this group for advice. We did not make it up. If you want to 'joke' about violence, you chose the wrong audience.

 

[Miss walt]

Snow angel, you never read any of it properly. Not once did I say he was joking? Nobody did. Justmehere I agree very much, those that have experienced real abuse and threats or those currently suffering anxiety would of course recognise that sentence as an alarm or the most part to stand out. Granted.

 

[Justmehere]

You wrote he was blaming you. You wrote he doesn't love you. You wrote that he cheats on you. Do you not feel you deserve better?

It is my understanding that you feel no one understands you and everyone - your family, society at large that has laws different than what you believe, everyone here on the forum - we are all wrong, and it is our fault. We did not read what you wrote right. He has a problem and you give up your needs so he can get well. There is nothing you feel you need to change or do differently. You simply wanted to know if your boyfriend who does not love you can learn to love you. Not to get feedback if something needs to change, because you do not feel you have any problems and that you are handling all of this well just as it is. You have it all under control and have everything you need to be safe. You feel peaceful and do not have worries about the future. You are cured enough from your own trauma too. There is not problem there either. You personally don't have any problems, you just wanted to know if he could heal and learn to love and trust you.

Do I understand your viewpoint right? Please correct me if I am wrong. I'm not sure I understand you but I'm trying. I make mistakes and tend to put my foot in my mouth a lot though. (This might be one of those moments.) My words are with kind intentions and respect for you, and my questions are not rhetorical but genuine questions.

 

[StarChild]

As it stimulates the part of the brain that gets less blood in PTSD, the part responsible for emotion and cognitive thought. The part responsible for anger and outbursts gets more blood.

Eh, error.... The brain suffering from PTSD does not get more or less blood. That's simply not true. True is, that there are changes in biochemical reactions, such as increased cortisol and norepinephrine responses. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong in this matter.

For the exact and scientific explanations, please read the following link:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/

I would say, that if you want to understand what trauma or PTSD correlated changes / reactions of a brain are, then you should get the true, scientific informations. By the way, I read that site you mentioned, and with all due respect, to me, they don't seem very reliable... To be honest, what they write makes my toes curl.

Do people who are abused and taught to build walls to protect ever learn to love

Sorry, but no one "taught" us to build walls.... It's a reaction to what has happened to us.

Christmas 2013 was horrific with him drinking, and sleeping and putting drinking first always. I became depressed and anxious and said I didn't know if we can carry on like this if he won't get help. He once again disappeared, drank for three days straight, took drugs and slept out and did sleep with another girl who is a jobless, loose, drug user. Nobody nice.

Please read your own statement carefully. And then you'll maybe realize, that you're making excuses for his bad behaviour again and again. I get that you don't want to be belittled, but on the other hand, why do you speak that bad of that other woman then? Why are you mad at her, instead of your great guy who acted unfaithful? - That's an oxymoron, nothing else.

Could it take years to teach him to love?

May I challenge you, and ask you, how long it'll be take to teach you to love and to respect yourself?

And besides, people here really want to help you, because we are concerned about you. We may say things, you absolutely don't want to hear, but that doesn't mean, that we want to patronize you. Which then would lead to another question: With which expectations did you join this forum?..

 

[Miss walt]

Justmehere, yes, you hit the nail on the head x

combat veterans with PTSD have decreased blood flow in the area of the medial prefrontal cortex. I believe there is decreased volume in the hippocampus, this is also significant in childhood abuse/neglect. To my knowledge he was not sexually abused but starved, hit, burnt with cigarettes, made to physically fight with other children by the adults. Thus was an aunt of his who "took him in" after his mums violent death. I can defo see he has no cognitive thought at all right now. He ignores texts, mail, bills and is currently unable to study for his paramedic exams. Despite having a good job now, he has no high school qualifications at all and was kicked out of school for truanting despite being intelligent and intellectual.

I am currently unaffected by his behaviour as made decisions to step away not walk away. I'm not mad at anyone. Apart from the facebook banter which I do think is cheating, many vets and vets wives don't, there has never been any physical cheating, it was still hurtful though. Where you quoted me above, I had ended the relationship when he left here and went on a bender and had a one night stand. I did not say people who are abused are taught to built walls, I asked, are they? But yes, I meant, does it happen as a result? I didn't word the question perfectly there. Sorry for the offence. I am not making excuses, I am trying to understand the behaviour patterns of severe PTSD caused both by childhood abuse, followed by combat trauma.