Sorry it is long, please bare with me....Double whammy PTSD basically.
Met my Boyfriend (bf) in June 2013, via chatting on Facebook. He loosely told me he had PTSD from being in Afghanistan though he worded it as "apparently, I have PTSD". He also told me he lost his mum aged four owing to her violent partner beating her to death. (Not his dad, he never knew him). On being taken from his home he was put with an aunt who had lots of children. He was treated badly and the only parts he has told me is that he was starved while the other kids were fed, he was given scraps or stale bread, they burnt him with cigarettes, he was in clothes two years below his age. I also know before his mum died he witnessed much violence and he told me he found her dead. (Though I know this is untrue through talking to his adoptive mum. He witnessed so much, he thinks he found her, it is maybe a memory he created)?
He was a wayward teenager, didn't finish school, despite he was adopted aged 6 by a great mum and dad. Throughout his childhood, attempts of counselling for anger management were made, never grief counseling. Nobody ever talked to him about his mum/her death. And he refused to talk at anger management. He was kicked out of the army and then joined the foreign legion aged 22 where he turned around his wayward life.
Out of the frying pan into the fire maybe. He broke his neck but survived and is still very fit. However he was discharged from the parachute reg but, retrained as a Medic. This then meant on the frontline he witnessed horrors he wouldn't discuss with me, but also lost friends and was unable to save his best friend who was shot in the head infront of him. He was also blown up in IED but survived with temp hearing loss.
So that is his story. I knew getting involved with him wouldn't be straight forward. I am well informed on PTSD as work in occ health for emergency services. I have also had PTSD twice from waking whilst under GA and secondly from being terminally ill to undergoing transplant, my PTSD was worse then but short lived in comparison to others.
Our relationship began quickly and intensely (on his behalf) I was more laid back. But a while in, he disappeared for days, drinking non stop and disappeared out of the country. He also works abroad as a remote area /offshore medic. I was gob smacked as he had just told me he loved me. We spent the next six weeks chatting and he came back. We got back into a relationship. He offered me his facebook password to prove I could trust him. This was new on me, I had been married for nine years before meeting him and not been in this situation where someone was inviting me to check up on them. Little by little messages from other girls were emerging, they stemmed from, flirtatious, casual, suggesting to meet up, and a photo of nudity sent, but never once did he meet these girls. It's caused mayhem for us and upset, on questioning, his reason was, to try and recreate butterflies, to lose me and try to get me back. I have been reading a lot about PTSD and the inability to connect emotionally and his reasoning for the betrayal, makes sense to me. Maybe excitement is the only thing he can feel? Although the fact it continues means he feels no guilt or remorse?
Christmas 2013 was horrific with him drinking, and sleeping and putting drinking first always. I became depressed and anxious and said I didn't know if we can carry on like this if he won't get help. He once again disappeared, drank for three days straight, took drugs and slept out and did sleep with another girl who is a jobless, loose, drug user. Nobody nice. He couldn't face me anymore after this. He told me he hated me and would kill me. It was like he blamed me for his weekend of misery. Through my grief I managed to stay calm and said if he wanted help I would still be here, but not in girlfriend capacity. He retuned to his job where he suffered a breakdown and didn't last his rotation in Africa. He went to his apartment in France where he drank everyday for 10 days. Then he emailed me saying he ended help. This was six weeks ago. He returned to UK where a GP put him on mirtazipine 15mg and he has been referred into a veterans counselling service. His appointment is in four weeks.
Our actual relationship PTSD aside is fantastic. We chat, laugh, play, and I'm very patient. The lie ins, the untidiness, his inability to remember or organise I accept as part of PTSD. But I know the veterans will deal with the combat PTSD, but I'm scared that his inability to relax and trust within a relationship will not be solved without specific therapy for the childhood traumas.
His previous relationships have been volatile, where his girlfriend would attack him, or they would physically fight each other. Or they have taken his behaviour as being a wa**ker and finished him. And I know now, many people think I am a mug. But those people don't have the slightest clue about what he has been thorough or what PTSD does to the brain/behaviors. He won't talk to me about "us" now, it's like he put up another wall. In the messaging to other women, which I have read, there is usually no mention of me, like I don't exist. There is no thanks, no joy or no pride for being with me when he talks to others. Is this part of disassociation behaviour?
I love him so so much, and love the side that is there when we are quality, I love him when he is not so good and can't keep still through anxiety, I love him when he can't wake up because of the drugs, I love him through the negative, but I'm struggling with the rejection. He told me, wouldn't it be easier and wouldn't you be happier if you were with someone else.? We split up at Christmas as I mentioned above, but over the past six weeks while helping him after breakdown we have been like a couple again in every way but when asking, what are we? He replies things are ok, let's leave it like this and see. To me that puts the relationship open to abuse . Maybe to him, if we are not officially back together he can't lose me again? I just dint know. But on the phone yesterday, in a general convo about something, he said "tell them your boyfriend said so". So I really don't know what goes on in his head right now.
Do people who are abused and taught to build walls to protect ever learn to love, I have proven I am here for him whatever but he still tries to jeopardise us. In the first week I met him he told me loved me, I never said it back. But I soon did when I genuinely felt it. He was overly affectionate and amarous lol, and now I know the real him, I see that that was probably forced behaviour, because I don't see it or feel it at the moment but he is new on mirtazipine too. Could this be a factor?
Could it take years to teach him to love? Do those that get abused and or neglected stay faithful or always sneak about as if to have a back up plans. And maybe fear that what is here what is real maybe lost so they try to push it away? I wish I could be in is head at times. I feel so sorry for him, but sometimes, I don't know what to do for the best. There is a dim light on at the end of a tunnel now. With the tablets and the pending veterans counselling but I'm scared that he will get bogged down with it and runaway again. This is his last chance with the veterans-services as it is his second referral I to them. I wish he would research stuff too but he doesn't. That's another block out. If I hadn't researched stuff I don't think I would still be with him.
Thank you and any advice is welcome,
Met my Boyfriend (bf) in June 2013, via chatting on Facebook. He loosely told me he had PTSD from being in Afghanistan though he worded it as "apparently, I have PTSD". He also told me he lost his mum aged four owing to her violent partner beating her to death. (Not his dad, he never knew him). On being taken from his home he was put with an aunt who had lots of children. He was treated badly and the only parts he has told me is that he was starved while the other kids were fed, he was given scraps or stale bread, they burnt him with cigarettes, he was in clothes two years below his age. I also know before his mum died he witnessed much violence and he told me he found her dead. (Though I know this is untrue through talking to his adoptive mum. He witnessed so much, he thinks he found her, it is maybe a memory he created)?
He was a wayward teenager, didn't finish school, despite he was adopted aged 6 by a great mum and dad. Throughout his childhood, attempts of counselling for anger management were made, never grief counseling. Nobody ever talked to him about his mum/her death. And he refused to talk at anger management. He was kicked out of the army and then joined the foreign legion aged 22 where he turned around his wayward life.
Out of the frying pan into the fire maybe. He broke his neck but survived and is still very fit. However he was discharged from the parachute reg but, retrained as a Medic. This then meant on the frontline he witnessed horrors he wouldn't discuss with me, but also lost friends and was unable to save his best friend who was shot in the head infront of him. He was also blown up in IED but survived with temp hearing loss.
So that is his story. I knew getting involved with him wouldn't be straight forward. I am well informed on PTSD as work in occ health for emergency services. I have also had PTSD twice from waking whilst under GA and secondly from being terminally ill to undergoing transplant, my PTSD was worse then but short lived in comparison to others.
Our relationship began quickly and intensely (on his behalf) I was more laid back. But a while in, he disappeared for days, drinking non stop and disappeared out of the country. He also works abroad as a remote area /offshore medic. I was gob smacked as he had just told me he loved me. We spent the next six weeks chatting and he came back. We got back into a relationship. He offered me his facebook password to prove I could trust him. This was new on me, I had been married for nine years before meeting him and not been in this situation where someone was inviting me to check up on them. Little by little messages from other girls were emerging, they stemmed from, flirtatious, casual, suggesting to meet up, and a photo of nudity sent, but never once did he meet these girls. It's caused mayhem for us and upset, on questioning, his reason was, to try and recreate butterflies, to lose me and try to get me back. I have been reading a lot about PTSD and the inability to connect emotionally and his reasoning for the betrayal, makes sense to me. Maybe excitement is the only thing he can feel? Although the fact it continues means he feels no guilt or remorse?
Christmas 2013 was horrific with him drinking, and sleeping and putting drinking first always. I became depressed and anxious and said I didn't know if we can carry on like this if he won't get help. He once again disappeared, drank for three days straight, took drugs and slept out and did sleep with another girl who is a jobless, loose, drug user. Nobody nice. He couldn't face me anymore after this. He told me he hated me and would kill me. It was like he blamed me for his weekend of misery. Through my grief I managed to stay calm and said if he wanted help I would still be here, but not in girlfriend capacity. He retuned to his job where he suffered a breakdown and didn't last his rotation in Africa. He went to his apartment in France where he drank everyday for 10 days. Then he emailed me saying he ended help. This was six weeks ago. He returned to UK where a GP put him on mirtazipine 15mg and he has been referred into a veterans counselling service. His appointment is in four weeks.
Our actual relationship PTSD aside is fantastic. We chat, laugh, play, and I'm very patient. The lie ins, the untidiness, his inability to remember or organise I accept as part of PTSD. But I know the veterans will deal with the combat PTSD, but I'm scared that his inability to relax and trust within a relationship will not be solved without specific therapy for the childhood traumas.
His previous relationships have been volatile, where his girlfriend would attack him, or they would physically fight each other. Or they have taken his behaviour as being a wa**ker and finished him. And I know now, many people think I am a mug. But those people don't have the slightest clue about what he has been thorough or what PTSD does to the brain/behaviors. He won't talk to me about "us" now, it's like he put up another wall. In the messaging to other women, which I have read, there is usually no mention of me, like I don't exist. There is no thanks, no joy or no pride for being with me when he talks to others. Is this part of disassociation behaviour?
I love him so so much, and love the side that is there when we are quality, I love him when he is not so good and can't keep still through anxiety, I love him when he can't wake up because of the drugs, I love him through the negative, but I'm struggling with the rejection. He told me, wouldn't it be easier and wouldn't you be happier if you were with someone else.? We split up at Christmas as I mentioned above, but over the past six weeks while helping him after breakdown we have been like a couple again in every way but when asking, what are we? He replies things are ok, let's leave it like this and see. To me that puts the relationship open to abuse . Maybe to him, if we are not officially back together he can't lose me again? I just dint know. But on the phone yesterday, in a general convo about something, he said "tell them your boyfriend said so". So I really don't know what goes on in his head right now.
Do people who are abused and taught to build walls to protect ever learn to love, I have proven I am here for him whatever but he still tries to jeopardise us. In the first week I met him he told me loved me, I never said it back. But I soon did when I genuinely felt it. He was overly affectionate and amarous lol, and now I know the real him, I see that that was probably forced behaviour, because I don't see it or feel it at the moment but he is new on mirtazipine too. Could this be a factor?
Could it take years to teach him to love? Do those that get abused and or neglected stay faithful or always sneak about as if to have a back up plans. And maybe fear that what is here what is real maybe lost so they try to push it away? I wish I could be in is head at times. I feel so sorry for him, but sometimes, I don't know what to do for the best. There is a dim light on at the end of a tunnel now. With the tablets and the pending veterans counselling but I'm scared that he will get bogged down with it and runaway again. This is his last chance with the veterans-services as it is his second referral I to them. I wish he would research stuff too but he doesn't. That's another block out. If I hadn't researched stuff I don't think I would still be with him.
Thank you and any advice is welcome,
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