It sounds sort of crazy to me, but I have this sense that Invisible Girl is demanding my attention, and is the force that is preventing me from completely accessing my 3 yo self as well as what's behind my increasing incapability of keeping the external aspects of my life running.
Here's what I've learned from my therapist and others regarding "inner children". This is all theory and may have
nothing to do with your situation, so take it with a grain of salt. :)
There are those "inners" that are the wounded children -- those who carry the memory of abuse. Then there are other "inners" who are born from the abuse to be "protectors" of the vulnerable wounded children. However, because these protectors were born while you were still a child, they have the maturity of a child, and formulate protection mechanisms that are often very immature -- such as being hypercritical. Or, they may be hyper-anxious and try everything possible to distract you from accessing the wounded children -- often the source of dissociation.
It could be that Invisible Girl is trying to distract you away from your 3 yo because, if she's a "protector", she doesn't want you to learn what the 3 yo knows. She may feel this is dangerous for a number of reasons, but especially if she believes that you're not ready to learn what the 3 yo knows, if she believes that this knowledge will either cause damage or cause you to abandon them -- e.g. distract yourself away from your feelings.
I also see the possibility that your "inners" are rebelling against obligations. Now that they have your attention, they want to get heard -- they want to play, do fun things, and any number of other needs they have that may not be getting fulfilled, right now.
This issue:
my increasing incapability of keeping the external aspects of my life running. (It is like torture to do work, I've been very late in paying bills...
Has been a huge one for me for over a year now -- extreme apathy. I used to be a master at task management. Everything and everyone were taken care of, always -- except for me. Which, eventually blew-up in my face. ;) And, now, everything is a fight. I suppose it's because I'm paying attention to my "inners", which means that I have to deal with all of their conflicting opinions about life and activity. They are a raucous committee. And when I do make a decision, it's still a fight because those "inners" who didn't get their way are sour about it. Altogether, this makes it very difficult to get things done. And even more difficult to do things that are more personal, more leisure-oriented. Again, just theory, but it makes sense for me, at least.
She is a resentful presence. She feels rejected, somehow. It all makes a lot of sense in terms of my feelings lately. I am feeling like I want to run away and hide and not talk to anyone--to become silent and invisible.
Again, more theory: the two most important things I've learned in therapy are true self-compassion, and that there has to be an "adult" within all of the "parts". The "adult" is also referred to as the "ego" or even the "higher self" in other therapy methods.
The adult is the one who makes the decisions, who helps administer and teach compassion. Think of how you interact with your children when they are hurting or have a need -- you probably wouldn't hesitate a second to try and comfort and help them. The "adult" does this same thing for the "inners". Problem is, for those who've been traumatized, the "adult" is often very poorly developed, because trauma damages identity and self-esteem. There's a cyclical dynamic that occurs, apparently, in that, as you practice more self-compassion, and do positive things, you build-up your self-esteem and identity, which consequently matures your "adult", who can then administer even better self-compassion -- and so on. In short, a positive feedback cycle. Trauma tends to cause a negative feedback cycle.
This becomes very important in the context of:
I don't know if I'm nervous about this Invisible Girl because I fear she is leading me into self-destructiveness beyond just not doing the daily stuff that should get done
It's the "adult" who takes a step back and says "We aren't going to do that." Easier said than done at first, for sure.
Part of me still believes I'm making all this stuff up.
Yup, me too. :D It took me a long time to get comfortable with this idea of fragmented inner children, with their own needs and desires, sharing space and thought with "me". But, ultimately, what you
feel is what matters. It doesn't matter what wrapper of understanding you put around it.
I see him again on Wednesday and I think maybe I should talk more about Invisible Girl.
If you think that she's the one demanding attention, right now, then you will probably need to deal with her first, because she may very well be the gateway to accessing your 3 yo -- and possibly one of many gateways.
There's a lot that's positive in all of this though -- mostly that you're so in-touch with these parts and fairly clear about how to differentiate them. I can't do that at all. I just get a cacophony of emotional noise. :)
OK, this was the longest post I've done in a long time. Not sure what got into me. :geek: Yeah, probably that.
