What Can I Do For My Younger Sibling?

[ladybug88]

I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD but officially on the record it is PTSD as C-PTSD isn't the clinical term to use on paper.

My father is the one who caused it and triggered it. He abused me physically, verbally, and emotionally almost on a daily biases. I have been going through therapy for quite some time and it has gone really well. I only experience symptoms when I have confrontation with them. I have come to realize that my mother has a lot of mental issues she has never worked out and because of that she can't accept that I can't have a healthy relationship with my dad. It has been several months since I have spoken to my father and a month since cutting it off with my mother. I love them dearly but they are extremely destructive and unhealthy.

A couple months ago my therapist recommended that I stop trying to create my idea of a healthy relationship with him because my father is showing signs of serious mental health issues and a "normal" relationship just does not seem possible right now. When I told my mother I needed my space for awhile and hopefully in the future, when I have my own issues under control, we'd be able to reconnect. She responded well at first, caring, loving, wanting to help. Then she started expressing that I should try and just sit down and talk to him, have a one on one session with him in front of my therapist, text him that I love him...etc.
When I had to shut her down she got very upset. I didn't want to put myself in harms way anymore and she began to break down. She sent me emails telling me I was a bad person and worse than my father. Basically she was trying to "support" me so she could monitor what was happening in my life and then turn it into something that made her happy.

Here is the reason I made this post...I have a younger sister who still lives with them. She is 15 years old and they pour all of their personal information on to her even when she asks them to stop. They tried to convince her I was crazy and read the emails to her that we had been sending back and forth before we stopped talking. I had asked them to keep the issues between me and them and they agreed. When I decided to break off my relationship for a time of healing and boundary setting they forced her to listen to them. They told her everything.

They have told her very personal things yet she now feels as if I understand her better than anyone because she is experiencing those very same scarring things now. They sat her down one day to explain they go to nude resorts several times a week and why...she never had wanted to know! They go to clubs and my mother wears hardly anything..she wears a string bikini and bondage wear and my sister saw the things in the van before she went to get in to drive to the grocery store. My parents then explained that mother wears it out to clubs but tends to run around without anything but a collar on...they even showed her a picture! She hadn't asked! She just wanted to look away and get on with it but they would not leave her alone and continued to question how she felt about it until she said she didn't mind.

They tell her they can't wait for her to move out so they can be alone. They make her feel like a bad person and have now really crossed the line..my father has now posted naked pictures of my mother on facebook for everyone to see. (Slight censoring doesn't leave much to the imagination) They are public and didn't block anybody. My grandmother, young cousin, and sister have seen it and all are horrified. I don't know what to do. I am married and have a place for her to stay, I just don't know how I could go about getting custody! She would be happy living with us and wants to get out. Is there anything out there legally for over exposing children to sexual behavior? I don't want her to end up with nightmares she can't get out of like so many of us have because of PTSD and she has already gone far enough to hurt herself as a cry for help.

Any advice? I know that this may seem slightly off topic but the things she is going through is some of what caused me to have PTSD in the first place.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can you call child protective services? Yes, this IS abuse! I met a girl online who was so messed up because of the overt (?) sexual abuse experienced at the hands of her father. She was exposed to very inappropriate images as a minor. You may want to read up on this type of abuse as it can damage people yet a lot think that it isn't damaging because nothing was actually done to the child. It's the same reason why children shouldn't be exposed to porn.

 

[ladybug88]

I have been attempting to research but there hasn't been an exact term to describe it that I can find!

 

[a3a2]

This needs to be reported to whatever child welfare agency is in your area. Facebook posts, photos, etc. would be helpful. If you can afford it, a private investigator. Encourage your sister to gather evidence and slip it into the mail in secret. Evidence is critical to getting her out of the house.

When I was sixteen, I ran away. When found, social services said it would be stupid to return me to the home, since I would probably just run away again (i.e. you should not go home) I was left in the care of my brother and his wife.

 

[somuchpain]

Take her under your protection and dare your parents to see you in court where you will be armed with pictures, an affidavid from your Dr., and testimony from other family members. Phone calls to local media couldn't hurt. Tell them to meet you in a court of law with their dog- collars and let a judge decide what best serves your sisters interests. If they are stupid enough to accept your challenge, they will lose, sooner or later. If you live in the UK, I don't know what legal advice to give. Don't fear our courts on this issue. It's one they usually get right.

 

[ladybug88]

Honestly I am so afraid that a judge would think I am over reacting because sex is such a "popular" topic right now. There is so much of the BDSM stuff that is being exposed and openly talked about that I don't know if a judge would take it seriously! I am in the USA though and the advice is helping. I just need to find a good example of what to do step by step or something...or at least a similar successful case!

 

[marylouise]

Honestly I am so afraid that a judge would think I am over reacting because sex is such a "popular" topic right now. There is so much of the BDSM stuff that is being exposed and openly talked about that I don't know if a judge would take it seriously! I am in the USA though and the advice is helping. I just need to find a good example of what to do step by step or something...or at least a similar successful case!

ladybug,

This is shockingly disturbing behavior by your parents. You may not realize just how disturbing since you grew up with these people. Our families feel normal at some level, even if we can know intellectually that they are dysfunctional. But when I read this, I was shocked (and I've been through a lot of messed-up shit myself).

It's not the BDSM that's disturbing. If they're consenting adults, then it is what it is. It's that your parents are forcing knowledge of their extreme sexual activities onto a 16 year old girl. My first thought reading this was "what else are they doing to her?". They may or may not be doing anything else to your sister, but their behavior is definitely along a continuum that leads to worse. Any social worker/psychologist called into the case would see that.

You have to believe in your instincts. Fight this. As people have said before me, you can do this legally.

 

[ladybug88]

What if they wanted a social worker to evaluate? Nothing would seem wrong in the home, she doesn't have bruises, won't talk about it with anybody else, and doesn't feel like there is a real problem because she isn't starving in Africa. She puts on such a strong mask and I know that my parents would go absolutely ballistic on her if they found out they were being investigated. They would scream at her for hours or make he feel disgusted with her self and ashamed for talking to me in the first place.

I am thinking over time she will want to come live with me. I think an order of protection would help get her here while we work out the details of the case. What I think I am waiting for is for her to open up little by little, as she already has been, and eventually make the request. Me and my husband have already offered her to come live with us; she responded with a fast and immediate, " No I am fine, there is nothing wrong where I live. How would I get to school?. After clearing up her concerns she said, " I would feel embarrassed and ashamed if I thought my situation was bad. I am not starving, I have air conditioning, and no one hits me. All of those kids out there who have been truly abused...it would be like a slap in the face to them."

Slowly she has mentioned wanting to move out in the future..like when she graduates. I think within a couple months she will continue to see the awful things they do and want out, and we will be there with open arms.

 

[marylouise]

ladybug,

I think your sister needs an adult to intervene. Given how you describe your parents, your sister has likely lived with abuse her whole life. She sounds as if she has a lot of denial about what's going on. That's understandable, since it's allowing her to survive a horrible situation, but it will make it difficult, if not impossible, for her to advocate for herself.

Maybe there's someone else in your family who you can talk to about this? Is there someone else who may be willing to intervene? You mentioned other relatives who are also horrified about what was posted on Facebook....

It's also worth noting that abusers generally back off once they know authorities are watching. If there was an investigation, my guess is that your parents would behave better towards your sister, not worse. Abuse thrives in secrecy.

 

[marylouise]

Also, I wanted to say that I feel for you. There is nothing about this situation that is fair to you. I'm sorry you have to confront it. Yet, you also seem to me to be quite brave. You have gotten to a point in your healing where you can see how abusive your parents are, to yourself and now to your sister. I've noticed in my own path that healing is not always joyous. Sometimes it leads to revelations that we never wanted and fissures that hurt like hell and leave us feeling alone. I've often felt that this work is spiritual in nature. It takes faith that our progress forward will lead us to better places, even if things feel worse along the way.

 

[a3a2]

I believe, if the evidence were presented, a judge and a social worker would see it as abuse. But if you can get your sister to leave willingly, I doubt it would come to that. Teens tend to think in terms of minor details, and cannot see the big picture until later in adulthood. Give her details about how it would work out. They worry about never seeing their friends again, and hurting mom and dad's feelings. Assure her in these areas. "I think mom and dad would enjoy having the privacy". "We'll make sure you get to see your friends...." etc. "Hubby and I could really use the extra set of hands around the house....I have this project I'm working on..."

 

[somuchpain]

It's all just too much. I'm not sure anymore why I always say that life is worth it. I have to go live in the wilds for a while. At least I won't be missed. My love to all.