General Use Of Avoidance

[nahla1204]

I'm doing my best to understand the use of avoidance with the PTSD sufferer. My boyfriend does this when stressed or having an anxiety attack. He hides from everyone. I'll not hear from him for 2 days and then when he comes back its like nothing ever happened. He has admitted he uses avoidance. And he seems to do it with anyone who cares for him. I'm trying to understand. I know its notmeant to be taken personally but I'm not used to it so it does hurt. It does seem like I can get through to him sometimes if I just carry on and pretend all is well, he'll sometimes stop avoiding me. That is extremely difficult for me because I'm the type of person who offers help and I feel like I'm being insensitive if I don't offer help or try to get him to talk. I'm just trying to understand and rewire my brain to give him what he needs. Thank you!

 

[Justmehere]

If you want more info on why sufferers shutdown or avoid connecting to people when they have PTSD, this thread may or may not be helpful:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/why-do-sufferers-push-their-partners-away.40426/#post-657825

Many people without PTSD find it hard to show their scared sides with new (or old) girl/boyfriends.

Military men like your boyfriend are trained to be strong - and showing "weakness and fear" is discouraged.

Anxiety attacks with PTSD is an overwhelming state. Sometimes it takes all I have to endure an anxiety attack. I have nothing left to also connect with people. Think of someone going through chemo. If there were times they could not connect with a sufferer, it would probably be easier to understand is not about the sufferer, but simply because battling the cancer and chemo is exhausting. PTSD can be exhausting too.

Connecting with people can be a source of comfort, but it can also stressful when people, humans, have tried to kill me. It's not about the other person, it's PTSD and trauma that affects procedural memory. My executive functioning knows I'm safe. The rest of my brain thinks "people = life threatening danger." It's the association that is made in the primitive parts of the brain for a sufferer when people have routinely tried to end the life of the sufferer. For me, it often is not about the supporter at all.

 

[arfie]

My own use of avoidance agrees with what justmehere posted, but I also feel like I benefited greatly from compromising with my family's need to be kept in the loop. While I am in episode, I am not really capable of the touchy feely clinging, but it doesn't hurt me to let them know part of the world I am in. It helps me to remember the world is bigger than just me, that other people have feelings, too.

 

[nahla1204]

The analogy about chemo is great. I can relate to that. Thank you both for your input.

Is it generally bad to ask about the experience that caused the ptsd? I want him to know he cant talk or vent to me but i dont want him to feel I am pushing him to do so.

 

[nahla1204]

And I also wonder if there is ever any pattern to the panic attacks that cause avoidance?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is it generally bad to ask about the experience that caused the ptsd? I want him to know he cant talk or vent to me but i dont want him to feel I am pushing him to do so.

Do not ask! This one question has the power to open up Pandora's box and spin a sufferer into a world of hell. It may seem benign, but this one question is why I tell nobody it is PTSD. I say "bad anxiety" as it needs no cause. When it's PTSD, the first question is "why?"

You're not trained to be able to handle the horrors of his trauma. There are quite a few stories of supporters who come here and say "I was just trying to help but now I've taken on their pain and I'm experiencing stress symptoms of my own".

It's not good for you, it's not good for him. Tell him you support him, but do not ask. Think about it this way. Think about the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Would you want someone asking you about it? No, I didn't think so.

 

[nahla1204]

Thank you Solara. I can't help but be curious about what he's been through. But I will take your advice and leave it alone. Apparently that is the step he is stuck on in therapy. He can't write down his experience and share it with his therapist.

 

[nahla1204]

I apologize for basically dumping my brain. There's so much swirling in my head about all this. Its a big jumble of trying to sort it all out.

Do you all think it is a good plan to just avoid talk of PTSD, anxiety, combat unless he brings it up? Is it better to just focus on the day to day, building our relationship, highlighting the things he does that make me happy to be with him? He is so much more than PTSD. He has many amazing qualities.

Another random question. He still watches war movies even though they sometimes bother him. He said Lone Survivor messed him up bad. I saw it too and cried and I've never been to war. Why would someone with PTSD from combat subject himself to these things? Thank you!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a sexual abuse survivor and I've seen almost every episode of Law & Order: SVU. Movies & TV allow us to conquer the trauma in a way. No, it's not real, and we know it's not real. But, there is a definite therapeutic effect. There is only one episode of SVU that spins me into a bad place. One out of hundreds, and that's because it had abuse nearly identical to mine...well, up until the victim turned into a killer part. My family hates that I watch it so much. They had no sexual abuse and it affects them more than me.

 

[nahla1204]

Thanks Solara. If its therapeutic then I'm all for it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, I should say for me it is therapeutic. I think I read another thread where some watch movies and such that make symptoms worse. I actually avoid this. I saw "12 Years a Slave" in the theatre and literally shut down. I had to go home and sleep the rest of the day. Never before has a movie had such an effect on me. I won't let people talk about the movie in my presence (yes, it's that bad).

I would be worried if he repeatedly watches things that cause bad spikes in symptoms. Everyone is different, so I don't want to say that watching things like this is necessarily good for every sufferer.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Apparently that is the step he is stuck on in therapy.

And I also wonder if there is ever any pattern to the panic attacks that cause avoidance?

I'm not sure about a pattern, but if he is having particularly intense therapy sessions, it may trigger some of these episodes.

It's hard to learn to deal with your sufferer isolating. It is one of the roughest things about being a supporter. You don't want your sufferer to hurt that bad, and you want to help. You just have to learn that by giving them their space, you are helping them.