Relationship I Hate It When My Vet Has A Stiff Upper Lip

[I'll make tea]

What is your child not getting? How is this your husband's fault? You have not made that clear. You have stated what YOU are not getting.

When I was a kid, our parents took us interesting places, showed us the world and so on and I loved it.

 

[Sandi79]

Then take your child places, alone. Show him things. It doesn't have to be a joint effort.

 

[digger]

When I was a kid, our parents took us interesting places, showed us the world and so on and I loved it.

You can do that for your son still, let your husband join you in your adventures as and when he feels able. I do understand that you want him to be part of that too, but maybe getting on and doing it anyway will take some of the pressure he feels about trying to do it off.

 

[The Albatross]

Back from a short shift but on my way it occurred to me that there is another possibility altogether: It might not be the PTSD either, it might be part of his core personality. It's hard to say without guidance. Denial and avoidance ARE part of PTSD certainly, but as he is not having issues going out with friends, it seems to be more relational than PTSD. Only you can know though as you're the one who's there.

If it is... when this happened to me, I had to ask myself "Is this a deal breaker?" With my first husband it was and I got out and divorced. With my second husband we worked through it.

 

[scout86]

My therapist frequently reminds me that "communication is NOT what the speaker says, it's what the hearer hears." It's easy, especially under stress, to forget that and make assumptions. I, for example, tend to assume that what I "heard" was what the speaker was actually trying to convey. Some other people tend to assume that what they intended to convey was actually registered, just because it's "what they intended". Ideally, BOTH parties to a conversation have the presence of mind to stop and check to make sure the speaking/hearing is being done accurately. But, it definitely doesn't work that way all the time.

I doubt that "your" vet is at a place where he can easily check in with you and make sure he "heard you right". If someone's going to do that, it probably has to be you, at least right now.

Having said THAT, have you ever considered an amicable divorce? This whole situation just sounds unhealthy for ALL concerned and I have yet to see anything to suggest that there's a good way out.

There is a "game" I've been subjected to a lot in my life and it's a "game" I particularly hate. The way this works is the person playing the game asks me something like "What do you think about this?" My first reaction is to give an honest answer to the question, because I'm a little slow at figuring out there's a game going on. When I express an opinion, the way the game goes, I am then told that I was "wrong". "What do you REALLY think?" This can go on a long time, depending on the situation. What it amounts to is the person asking the question has an answer in mind and it's "my job" to figure out what it is and provide it. And to do so willingly and cheerfully.

I hate lying and am not good at it. You know one situation where I WILL lie???? When confronted with that game and given no other way out. These days, my personal reaction to that whole "game" scenario isn't something they'd want to print on this site. I'm not saying that that's what you're doing, but, to me, it SOUNDS like that's what you're doing, at least part of the time. I suggested divorce because I've never found a way to get someone to quit doing this sort of thing and I no longer think it's worth the trouble. I think your best bet is to try to find a guy who's exactly what you want (if you can) and marry him, rather than trying to make this guy over into something more "acceptable".

 

[Sandi79]

Scout, I used to be guilty of that myself. I would ask my boyfriend a question, desiring a certain response, then be disappointed when I got a different one.

It can be changed, as I have changed that about myself, but only when one is willing to admit it happens and seek help to change that thinking.

That "game" hurts everyone involved.

 

[scout86]

Sandi79, you are the first person, in my entire life, that I've ever heard even admit something like that was going on. THANK YOU! You give me hope! :)

 

[Snowangel1225]

When our loved ones do not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved ones, that have let us down.

Your husband is doing the best he can with what he has. It is enough for him, but not enough for you therefore, the problem is not his, it's yours. You need to take the steps to make changes instead of trying to change him.

 

[Justmehere]

@I'll make tea - It sounds like you wish your husband would connect with you in a way that would feel more authentic to you, maybe a deeper emotional connection? Or with him being more straightforward about what he wants and what he can and can't do. Then you feel like maybe you could plan for it better? Adjust to him better?

By the way, I suggested Marriage Counseling to my Vet, he did not want it. I suggested I seek individual counseling to be better able to cope with his issues which are plenty, he did not want it. He did not want me to discuss him with a stranger.

He sounds really defensive about you going to therapy. What if you proposed it to him as something you are doing to help you with your own stuff? I'm not saying the problems are your fault. It takes two to make something work. But, maybe proposing it to him that it's for you and your stuff (and everyone has stuff), rather than going so you can learn how to deal with him better (even though that's a bug part of your stuff, so to speak) might be something he might be up for. PTSD is hard. Dealing with a guy with a different communication style even without PTSD is hard. The best thing supporters can do is to get support for themselves, not because they are the problem, but because all of this sounds really tough.

You sound really frustrated and maxed out. Hang in there.

 

[I'll make tea]

A question, Snowangel, how do you know my husband is really doing the best he can do and not only in a comfortable situation?

I am much younger than him, I gave up my career in order to be a SAHM (which was not my choice, I fell pregnant, he did not want to be a stay at home Dad) and I cannot go back to that career because it is family-unfriendly. I come from a culture in which divorcees and their children are looked down on.
My husband knows exactly well that there is no place I can go. There is no need for him to be the best he can be, I must live with what I get. I am not saying that he is doing that, I hope not, but he knows very well how much I have to lose... and sometimes I think he is just playing me.

I really try not to have expectations to high, I do love him... not sure if he loves me back, I try to be there for him... but really I feel like I am giving very much and he does not listen to my needs such as honest communication... which is my minimum need.

I already feel a bit like I am being both father and mother for our son because he works a lot and when he is there he sometimes is "not fully" there. I think I could accept the fact that he rarely takes my son places but at least there should be a honest communication also for the sake of our child who one day will start asking why Daddy does not go places.

 

[I'll make tea]

@I'll make tea - It sounds like you wish your husband would connect with you in a way that would feel more authentic to you, maybe a deeper emotional connection? Or with him being more straightforward about what he wants and what he can and can't do. Then you feel like maybe you could plan for it better? Adjust to him better?

Yes.

 

[Sandi79]

Do not play victim, no one made you do anything. You chose to marry him, chose to have a child, chose to quit your job.

I was a stay at home mom when I left my ex, because he had a meth addiction.

Seven years later, I am still doing great without him, so are my sons.

You have refused everyone's advice and answers here, on every thread you have posted. What are you seeking?