Therapist Countertransference?

[GWhizz]

So I have been seeing my T for over 3 months now and last week I contacted her telling her I wanted to terminate things. I guess I am just avoiding talking about the serious traumatic issues from my past and feel like I'm getting worse sometimes with therapy. Anyway, that aside, I decided to have a 'wrap-up' session with her last Friday.

During this session, I immediately noticed she was rather upset and maybe had been crying before I came in. She seemed really worried I would leave and asked on several occasions if I were angry with her. I don't know where she got that from, I'm a very passive person and have no reason to be angry at her. There had been a misunderstanding where I felt she didn't believe me telling her something the previous week but this had been cleared up in between sessions. I guess maybe she felt she had 'failed' me?

Long story short, I felt guilt-tripped into staying, but I also saw her point that I haven't resolved my issues yet and maybe am just being avoidant wanting to terminate. I find it really hard to discuss anything with her or trust her. And now I feel like the relationship is even more complicated by her seeming over emotional and worrisome about me. I know she could have been upset about something completely unrelated but surely this wasn't professional, not being able to keep her feelings at bay.

Should I ask her at my session tomorrow? I find it hard to be assertive with things like this...

 

[Hashi]

Firstly, Genea - welcome to the forum.

You don't seem to have posted in the Introduction forum so I don't know anything about your background.

Going on this post alone - my first and foremost question is whether your therapist is a specialist trauma therapist.

If she was showing signs of distress in your last session, then that would seem inappropriate. A therapist should know their limitations, should have their own therapy and supervision, and if there are issues with a client they should be able to discuss these openly. If they are unable to deal with your issues, then they should be honest about that and should help you to find someone who can.

It's impossible for me or anyone to say how much your own attachment issues might be coming into play. If your therapist is an experienced trauma therapist, then maybe some thought needs to be given to your own transference, avoidance or whatever. If she is inadequately trained, qualified and experienced, then the picture might be a bit different.

I'm sorry to be so inconclusive, but I hope you'll feel able to let us know a little bit more about the context. For example, whether you've had therapy before, your expectations of therapy, and how you selected this therapist. If you don't want to do that, of course that's fine. It would just be difficult to respond.

So I hope you won't feel that low responses don't mean we don't care. It's more likely to mean we don't feel we know enough to comment.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks for your reply hashi,

Sorry I'm totally new to this forum so wasn't even aware of an intro page - will try navigate to that later but I'll give a little background here 1st.

This is my 1st real go at therapy. I say 1st, though I did go for 2 sessions over a year ago but found the therapist completely off-putting (she sat at her computer desk, silent, ended sessions 20mins early just when I began to breakdown, leaving me walking out literally crying!). I never really intended to go to therapy to discuss the past but went last year when I became pregnant with my 1st baby, not wanting to have unresolved issues affecting my parenting. But of course I felt great in pregnancy and happier to leave the past in the past. Low and behold, about 4months after having my son (he's 8months now), I realised I had postnatal depression. I was referred by my doctor to this therapist to deal with the depression and of course my childhood soon came up and she feels the depression was triggered by past abuse (my fears that I'll fail as a parent as my parents failed me...). I really don't think she has a whole lot of experience with child sexual abuse though - I asked her where/how people normally start talking about it and she just replied blankly 'I honestly don't know, everyone's different'!

I genuinely don't feel I have transference issues but am open to knowing if I do and working through this. I just didn't get her being so upset. I understand it's a therapeutic relationship but she's still human and bound to worry etc, especially since I came initially feeling suicidal but I don't feel that bad anymore and she knows I'm just finding it hard to express things.

Sorry I don't even know where I'm going with this and feel like I'm writing an essay now lol :-/

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Genea, I agree with Hashi. It's imperative that you know your T's background with trauma and PTSD. Someone without experience can be more harmful to your recovery than helpful.

Honestly to me, from what you are saying, it sounds like the issue lies with her and her own issues. Remember, this is your life. This is about your recovery. If you don't trust your T or don't feel comfortable with her, or if she doesn't have the experience in your condition, find a new one. Nobody can blame you for that.

I'm so sorry another T in the past had you break down in therapy, was obviously not paying attention and then cut your sessions short. Clearly that was someone not experienced with trauma.

Again, welcome to the forum. I have learned so much on these boards.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks for your reply evenstrongernow, I am seeing her later today so will try (have to pluck up the nerve lol) ask her more about her experience in this area and try get some clear goals from her also - sometimes I feel I don't know where we're going with this, she seems to distract a lot talking about how things are with my son (I know this was my initial reason for meeting with her), but I find her a bit too 'motherly' referring to how similar her sons were at his age!

I'm not there to get parenting advice and it seems she's wasting time deferring to this at times, but I felt maybe she was utilizing this to help me relax/be more comfortable with her. I will definitely ask her why she felt I was angry at her also. Thanks a mil guys - great to have input from those who've experienced therapy

 

[ghotiff]

Hi Gena, and welcome, I too am new here too.

I can't advise you but a few things were red flags for me from your previous posts, and I've listed them below so maybe you can see them with a slightly different perspective.

I find it really hard to discuss anything with her or trust her. And now I feel like the relationship is even more complicated by her seeming over emotional and worrisome about me.

I really don't think she has a whole lot of experience with child sexual abuse

I felt guilt-tripped into staying, .

not being able to keep her feelings at bay

I had a vaguely similar childhood to yours and now have kids of my own and I have resonated with so many of your posts. I really struggled with my first child, particularly when he was a baby. I feel for you and wanted to make sure you knew that you are not alone in these feelings.

I recently started seeing my first ever T, but after 6mths I have ended that relationship and will be seeing a new T in a couple of weeks. It was really hard to consider leaving my first T. I really struggled with feeling like a failure and worried that I was just trying to be avoidant of therapy (at times she was okay, then at other times she did things that I think were just plain wrong). Each day that passes makes me feel more confident that I'm doing the right thing. I concluded that I was being avoidant of therapy only if I left with no plan on who to move to. (Having said all this, I have completely avoided letting my old T know that I won't be going back.... I have no idea how to tell her and I know is going to be extremely difficult for me to actually do...I feel the guilt trip coming on.)

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks for your post and highlights ghotiff. It's touching to know I'm not alone in my feelings as a new parent etc.

I am finding motherhood a huge adjustment if I'm honest, and to top it all off, my baby is HIGHLY demanding - he fights sleep still at 8months and doesn't eat a lot so has been losing weight - this has all triggered me to feel I am in some way incapable or negligent as a mum, though I know deep down I am doing all I can for him and this will pass and he will eventually settle - just tough seeing it when sleep deprived and in it 24/7 lol!

I will definitely heed your advice and try better figure out whether this T is right for me and my situation. I guess I didn't want to give up again so easily, nevermind the fact that she's already costing me a small fortune and starting over will be both another financial and emotional overhaul! I guess it's unfort that I was referred to her, so in a way I was landed with her, I never sought her out myself which would probably have been the better move. I guess this therapy stuff is a learning curve in itself. I just didn't expect 'therapy issues' to crop up over my own personal issues!


Best of luck with your new T and the tough but brave move of ending things with your current one :-)

 

[GWhizz]

Sorry to keep adding to this, but something else just came to mind that I felt was odd when discussing whether or not to quit therapy in my session last Friday. My T mentioned that it could be easier for her to simply 'give up' on me and let me go, but that she'd like to be able to help if she can. I was kind of taken aback that she would point this out. I mean, I appreciate that she basically said she wants to try stick it out with me when it's probably a bit of a challenge with me not being fully upfront with information just yet and mentioning that I felt like terminating. But I felt she should have more acknowledged that she has to work on her rapport and trust building with me 1st so that I'm sure she's the right person to tell this stuff to. Has anyone else's T ever mentioned the obvious fact that it maybe easier for them to 'give up' on you? Surely this does more to prevent one fully putting their trust in that T!?!

 

[ghotiff]

My T mentioned that it could be easier for her to simply 'give up' on me and let me go, but that she'd like to be able to help if she can

This worries me. Both the allusion to her walking out on you (really bad form for people with our issues) and secondly, that she'd "like" to help "if she can". The "if she can" is concerning to me. Surely a good T can help, maybe not cure but definitely help? Maybe you should ignore me, I could be transferring my own issues with my soon-to-be-ex T.

I wish you the best with your baby. My first born was the same, a horrible sleeper and it was rough. Actually he still doesn't sleep much but now he's no longer a baby its not a problem. My second baby was a breeze by comparison. I have friends (without our issues) who had the same but in the reverse order (first baby easy, second baby more difficult). My point telling you this is that I used to get concerned that I was doing something wrong....but now I know better. Some babies are easy, some babies aren't....and people with an easy baby have no idea how hard the hard ones are.

 

[BloomInWinter]

The small talk that a therapist makes actually serves several purposes. I know because to me it felt like a waste of time and I used to get angry at my therapist for "wasting my time."

Small talk, now, allows me to ground myself back into today. It stops the trauma movie from playing in my head, if only for a few moments. We use it during EMDR to help my distress level go down.

Therapists use "small talk" for many good reasons, such as:

• lowering our distress level
• assessing our overall functioning in our lives right now
• identifying any recurrent "themes" which helps identify some of the negative cognitions we picked up as a consequence of our trauma
• identifying who are the safe people in our lives and helping us learn how to reinforce those relationships to provide a broader support system (which must be in place for trauma processing to be safe)
• helping us clear out any concerns we have that day in our heads so the rest of session can be used for processing or resiliency-building
• learning how to speak with our therapist...it's great practice
• getting to know our therapist and working through any negative feelings
• identifying quirks, sayings, opinions, voice inflections which are triggering, and removing those triggers. If they trigger us in the therapy room, they trigger us out there in the world, so removing those can help us feel safer

Not to say that all small talk is fun nor effective. But every single feeling/thought we've experienced about what is said, what we believe the "unspoken message" is behind some words helps our therapist identify any internalized 'voices of our abusers' in our heads that affect our relationships with others.

That having been said, the display of emotions by her seems like she is not experienced in trauma...maybe not even in counseling...or has lost her professional distance, or has her own issues that are affecting her work. Please do tell her exactly how you felt, what you thought, etc. She needs to know. If she is unable to help you and maintain professional composure, she needs to give you a referral.

Just leaving is always an option, but actually standing up for ourselves and asserting our opinions, needs, and wants in the therapy room - irregardless of how the therapist handles it - can be very self-affirming and empowering. I found every time I have asserted myself in therapy, that assertiveness became a tool I was, and am, able to use in the world. My life is so much more stable, enjoyable, and so are my relationships.

Tell her everything you can push yourself to express. If she's a good therapist, she'll be able to handle it with no problem and help both of you resolve the issue. If not, you'll have discovered her limits and identified your needs and be able to make your own choices.

It does get better.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks ghotiff and bloominwinter.

At our session yesterday she was actually a lot more professional imo so I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt for now and just tread carefully with her the next few sessions. It's true that small talk is important, it's just I felt at times that she was drawing a little too much on her own personal life experiences and telling me how similar her experiences were to mine. It's nice that she can relate but I guess I was just a bit weary about this and at times it made me feel like she was making my concerns seem insignificant, as though everyone goes through this.

I do agree some babies are just harder than others and never sleep easily etc. Hoping if I do get over the shock of this little man and want another, the next won't be as demanding or at least I'll be used to it!

At our session yesterday I did ask why she felt I was angry with her and clarified that I had no reason to be and she said it was just my body language and that I was annoyed discussing my family. I guess she misinterpreted my annoyance with my family, as annoyance with her for attempting to broach the subject.

I still need to ask her a few more questions at our next session about the aforementioned posts, just didn't get time yesterday as I actually did talk about some things for a change!

Thanks again everyone :-D

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

It's OK to add to your own thread as thoughts come up. That's what this place is for, for support.

Did you establish whether or not she has experience with trauma and PTSD?