Meadowsweet, this is a really good topic and I always enjoy your posts, I can see how much you have to offer. I can relate so much to what you have to say, and where my thoughts are at right now can change and I know that I can feel weaker or stronger at any given time based on some outside circumstances. Even before ptsd for me (or I had in under control-not sure which), I had value for myself for what I did more than who I am, or just being. I think some of this is societal and not even based on having ptsd.
Often men feel successful and confident in their work and supporting their families. If something happens and they loose their job and are in a wheelchair, they feel like a burden and the self esteem plummets. I once had a copy of a survey about what people think of in the shower in the morning. Mens top two were work and sex. Womens were #! -what I need to do for others today )ie, cookies for susies class, soccer practice, take mom to dr., check on uncle joe, card for friend, etc. The second was self emprovement, I need to get to the gym and loose 10 lbs., , get a new hair do, etc. This was from a random study that had nothing to do with ptsd. It was about the difference of men and womens focus on what makes them feel good about themselves.
I really admire people who have a legitimate reason to become dependent on others and not feel a burden, but am not sure that it does not take huge adaptation and acceptance to get to that point. Often I have seen a lot of depression and anger before reaching that goal.. So while I do not want to divert the subject in any way, I just wonder how much is human nature of how we have been raised in society for a starter. Then throwing ptsd into the equation, it multiplies our inabilities to feel deserving and that our presence with others and being in close relationships, or (enhancing others experience through knowing us) without having to do for them excessively is enough.
I do not think there is anything wrong with enjoying doing for others, as long as it does not go against our values or interfere with our integrity, and if we do not put accomodating others before our own needs.
I understand better from your last post, where you state that you are feeling SI, and taking yourself out of the world for now, and doing for others needs to become your primary priority to avoid the thoughts of SI. I can understand this completely. It sounds that you are using your thoughts as a protective factor for yourself at the moment. I hope that you are gentle with yourself on this, and are still able to maintain that hope, even if it is put on the shelf for the moment.
Somewhere inside of me, I feel like damaged goods. I read a forum article last night after reading this post, which helped me to identify this. In some ways, I think I live vicariously through others happiness and the good things that happen to and for them. It is like I am saying, nothing personally good will ever happen for me-I cant follow through to find the happiness and fulfillment in my own life, so I will do what I can to make others more comfortable and happy. Yet I still have these underlying goals that I put on the back burner, and at present have not completely deserted. Such as, a healthy happy partner relationship happens for other people, but will never come my way. I could settle but would rather be alone than compromise my integrity, and possible bring ugly drama. I have the education and experience to do something good still, even with my short comings. Yet whenever I have approached or been there, something has happened that has caused me to feel emotionally defeated. I dont have the confidence or strenght to initiate and follow through with dreams I once had ,and never gamble more than you can afford to loose. Therefore, I leave myself somewhere kind of frozen and just getting by. Since my kids are grown and have no job, I still do for others, but not to the extent that you do.
I am glad that you are going to the class, even if after the hour you leave without reaching out to seek friendship outside of the group. I have done this kind of thing too, and it is awkward as how to strike up a conversation, the rules, not being to forward or to passive. I think somewhere in this we have to challenge whatever that core belief is (mine is feeling like damaged goods) that prevents us from taking the chance of moving forward. I use to not have any problem with this because it was my belief that most of the other people have the same issues of how to get something started-that this is just human. Now I have taken it on and see it as my defect. Thank you for this thread, you have given me so much to think about of my own behavior.
A person in distress will often maintain that distress as it feels safer than the unknown.
