Normal Grief Or Ptsd?

[Deleted member 22607]

I was diagnosed with PTSD about a year ago by my therapist. At the time my symptoms were flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, panic attacks every time something reminded me of the trauma, and constantly planning my escape route in case of an emergency (both traumas involved people getting shot unexpectedly). That was a year ago.

Since then, I think I've improved a lot but I'm not "better". I don't know if I still have PTSD or even if it's possible not to have it anymore. I don't know if what I'm experiencing now is just grief, or something more. The flashbacks are gone, and the hypervigilance as well for the most part (I'm still startled by unexpected bangs, but not to the point of having a panic attack). But I still have nightmares about what happened, most of them gory - I see bloody corpses or myself being chased by a gunman and finally shot, that kind of thing. I still feel intense grief and stress when I'm reminded of the trauma, but again not to the point of panic attacks. I get a sinking feeling, breathe faster, feel suffocated, want to cry, and want to run away and escape the reminder. I also feel lonely very often, and not "normal". For example, I don't see the point in washing the dishes when there are much more important things going on in my life (nightmares, coping with the trauma…). I just feel cut off from other people most of the time.

To be honest, I don't think I've healed a lot from what happened. I've eliminated some of the symptoms, but still feel like I'm stagnating. Half the time I feel like I've beaten PTSD, the other half I'm reminded that emotionally, I'm in the same place as I was a year ago.

The traumas happened in April 2012 and December 2012. After this long, could I still be grieving? Or do I have PTSD forever and ever, and all that's happened is that my symptoms have changed?

 

[anthony]

You could call that residual PTSD, in that once you get PTSD it is permanent, but whether you meet all the criteria for PTSD is another thing. You have had one, two or several symptoms that annoy you ongoing, though may not meet the criteria for having it, however; because you've been diagnosed with it, the symptoms associated are still PTSD. If you endure another traumatic event, then everything will likely come rushing back and overwhelm you, put it that way. Hence... PTSD is permanent. Its just the symptoms that come and go, and there severity uniquely to you.

 

[arfie]

I believe that just as physical wounds change shapes as they heal or infect, so do psychic wounds. Nothing is quite so sure as change. Unfortunately, we still don't have physical evidence of the psychic wounds, so we don't get the visual cues to help sort it out.

Do we ever fully heal? That would be a billion dollar question. It will be a different answer for each of us. Ditto for "Normal."

Be patient with the process, Angel.

 

[seedling]

My trauma happened in Dec of 2009 and at times I still feel the grief intensely. When I don't I'm thankful not to have to deal with it at the moment. I never knew grief could seem so big and last so long. It's starting to change and shift now as I reconnect with the world. There are starting to be new things to fill in the areas of loss. Forward movement in life helps.

 

[Cliff.P]

I am trying to figure out what's wrong with me. It's been years since it's happened an I am not even sure it has anything to do with how I feel, but it's the only things that have happened to me that were major hurts in my life. I mean I really don't know how it feels to experience emotion.

Like I am married, have two beautiful children, own my own house an land. I have a ok job an a boss who I look at as my dad. But I drift through the day only doing what is logical responses to other people. A buddy could tell a joke an I completely understand it yet I don't feel the joy I see others actually showing, so I just put on a smile. My child took her first steps an my wife cried yet I watched her an tried to mimic it but could only come up with encouraging words for her. I honestly feel dead inside when I see other people so easily showing all these emotions.

The only ones I think I feel are fear an anger like I can actually feel getting mad an my body gets hot an I start shaking an studdering when I get to my boiling point. I have frequent panic attacks some to the point I've had to go the the bathroom an lay on the floor till I can pull it together. Out of nowhere I'll get hot an it gets hard to breath an I twitch a lot grabbing at my chest causer it feels as if my heart is bout to pop out my chest. Sometimes there gone as fast as they come other times the last a good while. I used to have nightmares frequently but lately I can't remember my dreams.

Most days I daydream scenarios like if I am standing in subway I'll go over "what woulds" in my head if some crazy guy comes in to rob the place. Or I have to patrol the house to make sure everything is ok and sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. I'll hear things an instantly I am up wide awake and nothing's there.

 

[anthony]

I honestly feel dead inside when I see other people so easily showing all these emotions.

The only ones I think I feel are fear an anger like I can actually feel getting mad an my body gets hot an I start shaking an studdering when I get to my boiling point.

Very normal for PTSD... and the reason is actually simpler than you think. You have to basically relearn to identify underlying emotions that cause fear and anger.

Read: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-iceberg-of-emotions.13731/

 

[Cliff.P]

You have to basically relearn to identify underlying emotions that cause fear and anger.

Read: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-iceberg-of-emotions.13731/

How do I do that though?

 

[seedling]

How do I do that though?

My therapist provided me with a course on anger management. He gave me a chapter at a time to read and do the exercises. It helped me to examine situations in which I was angry and follow the steps that led to the anger. It helped me look at my anger in its progression from an event to my emotion.

For a while I also kept an anger diary, my therapist gave me a form for doing that. It had columns to fill in for each event. Again - it helped me think it through and I could see the steps to the whole process.

When I would answer the questions or fill in the blanks I mostly put down what popped into my head first as I felt at the time that I couldn't "think" about it well. It led me to many insights and in time I was able to think it through more.