Supporter Will He Ever Live With Me?

[Lidia]

Hello,

I am grateful I stumbled upon this forum...I am so lost...

5 months ago I started a relationship with a man who shows signs of PTSD, although he has never been diagnosed. As far as I know, he never sought treatment.

As other member said, at first he was head over heels in love, constantly texting, couldn't get enough of me. I was away for 3 weeks and he could't wait to see me, declaring that life had been so hard without me there. But on return from my trip, he had put the breaks on big time. He said he needed to take a day at a time, take things slow and steady.

Soon it became clear that he needed lost of time alone, that he would not spend nights with me, or invite me to his place. I see him for tea most working days (we work in close proximity of each other), although that stops if he is busy, or unwell or too down. I never see him at weekends, when he needs time alone after the constant demands from people in his job. I invite him to mine but he doesn't always come. Crucially, he never invited me to his place or allowed me to be with him during his weekends of recovery time.

So I wonder...will we ever get to the stage where he is comfortable living with me? Will I always live life with him as a single person that occasionally gets to spend an evening or weekend with him? Will we ever hold hands and go a walk in the park?

I know this must sound too much to ask for people in this forum, especially sufferers...but I can't help craving a life together with him...I miss him so much when he is not around...

Any help or advice you may give would be appreciated...thank you.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @Lidia and welcome to the forum.
None of us knows you or your boyfriend so we cannot possibly give you the answer. However we can share our opinion and I hope that is ok?

PTSD, diagnosed or not, is not an excuse to treat another person badly.
Do you feel this relationship is on an equal footing? If you did not think he had PTSD could you possibly fear that he is hiding something from you - even maybe involved in another relationship?

I am sorry, but if things are not going well in your relationship so early on then I fear it does not bode well for the future.

Clearly you need to have this discussion with your boyfriend to decide whether or not you are prepared to further invest in this relationship.

 

[Lidia]

Hi @ Lucycat

I can see why you would say that maybe something else is going on. I challenged him on that on month 1, when I realised I was kept at a distance. I really don't think he is hiding anything from me, I genuinely don't get that vibe. He is recently out of a relationship (he left her when he met me) and he is feeling very guilty about hurting her. She was the first relationship he had had in many years and had lasted a few years.

His reason is that he lost the person he loved in a bad accident many years ago. He survived the accident but has some physical consequences too, as well as (what I think is) PTSD.

He keeps telling me that he is not good enough for me, that he does not deserve me, that I will leave him when I find someone better, that I deserve more. From other posts I have seen, this sounds like PTSD talk to me...

I really care for this man. I think he is special. The relationship is not all bad. He keeps in touch with me via text at all times, which gives me hope. I am happy to wait for him and support him if I can hope he will eventually let me closer to him...

 

[Deleted member 26314]

Hello Lidia. I think with this, you do need to be patient with him. I was like this with my boyfriend for the first 3 or so months of our relationship, I wouldn't see him or talk to him for weeks. But, now I'm the closest ever and I'd hate to not talk to him for longer than a couple days. So, don't lose out hope. I know we're all different, but eventually he might be able to be close with you.

I suggest talking to him, putting your foot down and saying that you want to be with him, reassure him that he does deserve you and that you do really care for him. And keep telling him this, whenever you can. All I can say is be there for him, if he needs alone time, let him have it. It will be almost impossible to sit down with him and demand you want to see him more or whatever, so you need to help him get to the point where he wants to see you as much as he can. I don't think he is hiding anything from you, I think it's common with PTSD to withdraw and want space, which is what he is doing.

Also, I have to contradict what Lucycat said; just because things are rough at the beginning does not mean they wont get better. My relationship did. I'm not saying it will get better and having a bad beginning might mean that the future will not go well, however, every one and every relationship is different. Just because it's rough now or difficult on you doesn't mean you should give up hope.

Have you spoken to him about PTSD? Maybe when you two are a bit more comfortable around each other, when you can have a nice sit down and talk, maybe mention it to him? It might do him some good to get help from a therapist, even if it isn't PTSD, surely the accident in which he lost a dear one will have affected him to some extent and might have an explanation for his behaviour now (it's not an excuse, just an explanation). Like I said, even if it isn't PTSD, it could help.

I really hope things work out for you, sorry if I couldn't help much - I only have my experiences.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm not sure why @Lucycat gets the impression that there is "bad treatment" going on, as I see NONE of that, rather I do see PTSD symptoms along with isolation and avoidance. (While I think its important to recognize bad behavior when it is happening, I also think its just as important to not be so quick to jump to the conclusion that someone is being treated badly by a sufferer, especially when nothing more than isolation and withdrawal is mentioned. I honestly don't think that this is bad treatment!)

However, if you need a "textbook" relationship that proceeds at a systematic pace, then no, this is probably not the guy for you. I say it like this because many people have a need for a typical relationship that progresses in an expected fashion when the truth is that relationships are quite varied. I think you need to assess your needs, and if you need a guy who can move in with you soon, or even within the next few years, then it is probably time to move on. He isn't in treatment, and sadly, PTSD tends to get worse, not better, without treatment. I don't see his periods of isolation suddenly getting better if he doesn't learn how to deal with his stress. (Learning how to deal with his stress is key to minimizing the isolation periods.)

I wish you the best.

 

[Lucycat]

gets the impression that there is "bad treatment" going on

I don't. But I also don't think the OP is being treated particularly well from what she describes. Isolation and avoidance maybe crucial to the sufferer, but do need explanation to be fair to the supporter.

 

[Lidia]

[Sorry, replied in the wrong place...still learning]

 

[Lidia]

Hi Solara,

I have lived alone for most of my adult life, so I am not in a hurry at all to move in with him in that respect. However, I am 35 and I am hoping to have a family at some point, so it is a case of 'technical' times constraining me.

When I met him, I told him what I wanted out of life. I told him I wanted a life together and children. He agreed. He even mentioned children himself during the first couple of months together, saying "not right now but eventually...". Then his job got really stressful, I got a bit harsh on him (I had not fully realised what I was dealing with up to about 2 months ago) and things got a little less steady and romantic than they were.

However, I do have hope. He has not invited me to his place yet but has indicated that he wants to and that he will very soon. Last week I invited him to come to mine for dinner and he said that this was now his time to cook for me, which I guess indicates that he is thinking of letting me into his home. That would be a clear sign of progress and would give me hope.

Thank you for your support. It is so hard to be in this situation with nobody around who understands. Thank you.

 

[Lidia]

Hello Lidia. I think with this, you do need to be patient with him. I was like this with my boyfriend for the first 3 or so months of our relationship, I wouldn't see him or talk to him for weeks. But, now I'm the closest ever and I'd hate to not talk to him for longer than a couple days. So, don't lose out hope. I know we're all different, but eventually he might be able to be close with you.

Have you spoken to him about PTSD? Maybe when you two are a bit more comfortable around each other, when you can have a nice sit down and talk, maybe mention it to him? It might do him some good to get help from a therapist, even if it isn't PTSD, surely the accident in which he lost a dear one will have affected him to some extent and might have an explanation for his behaviour now (it's not an excuse, just an explanation). Like I said, even if it isn't PTSD, it could help.

Hey Katerina,

Your words really give me so much hope on a day when I am feeling physically sick with worry about this relationship. So thank you.

He hardly ever hides from me for longer than the weekend. Normally he asks to see me every day for tea and for a while after work. So it is bearable. However, if he gets ill and has to stay at home, that is when I stop seeing him for even full weeks (the most has been 3 weeks so far). That is incredibly hard. Also, it is hard when he stops being in contact via text messages. Normally he writes texts all day but when his work gets demanding he stops texting and I am left wondering why. However, that is also about me learning his work patterns and the demands that his job has on him.

I am happy to keep telling him that I want to be with him and that I love him. I have been doing that and I can see that more often than not he would respond positively to that. However, I am not the most confident person in the world myself and I start to wonder whether he really still wants to be with me or not. This is because he told me that his ex girlfriend kept insisting that they should be together even though he had (apparently) told her he did not feel he loved her back in the same way. How do I know whether he loves me but he needs reassurance or he wants to give up on me for real and I have to respect that? I ask him for reassurance on this and he is very honest and says that his feelings haven't changed, but that work is taking a lot out of him at the moment. Also, after an episode in which I lashed out and told him that he obviously does not care about me at all (I know...that was so wrong of me...) he has become less affectionate in his texts...no more kisses in them...which makes me feel more insecure...but he is always ready to reassure me...

I love this man. When we are close (even when I feel him close in his texts), I am happy and strong. But at times I am not strong and I can't support him as well and I told him. I tell him everything. We actually tell each other everything. I love that communication we have and it is the lifeline of the relationship.

Sorry to go on and on today...is just a bad day...you are really helping me, so thank you.

 

[Lidia]

I don't. But I also don't think the OP is being treated particularly well from what she describes. Isolation and avoidance maybe crucial to the sufferer, but do need explanation to be fair to the supporter.

Lucycat,

He has explained it to me, to be fair. He has told me that he needs to hide away and find some balance. He has also explained why he prefers texting rather than answering the phone, which is fine with me.

I just hope that long term he will be ready to move in together. I understand that he will need alone time even then (to be fair, so would I if I had a job that involves taking hassle from people all the time) and would be happy to find a place that allows for that. I would be happy just being in the same building as him, if that makes sense...

I have told him all this. He listens but does not say anything. I guess he cannot promise anything and is cautious of what he says because I am the sort of person that will hold people to their word. Sadly, I can run out of patience and remind him quite firmly of what he promised me at the beginning of the relationship. I also tell him when he hurts me emotionally, pushes me away (figuratively) and makes me feel lonely. I am not sure it is the right approach but I try to be honest about how I feel with him.

 

[Deleted member 26314]

I guess he cannot promise anything

This is what I tell my boyfriend day in day out. Like you, he likes promises and makes sure who ever makes them, keeps them. So I tell him that I am not and will not make any promise I am not certain I can keep due to the fact my emotions and behaviours are so all over the place. I, like quite a few with PTSD, are unpredictable, not in a bad way, just in the way that I have no idea how I am going to feel in an hour, in a day, whether I'm going to want to talk to my boyfriend tomorrow or whatever. So, you do have to try and understand the fact that if he makes a promise and then breaks it due to being 'himself', it's going to hurt both of you. Try not to pressure him to make promises or keep the ones he has made (it's not an excuse for him to break promises and it's not fair on you if he breaks them) so I guess it's best to just avoid promises for the time being?

My boyfriend has started telling me when I push him away and to be honest, it hurts quite a bit. I hate that I push him away and it's a natural instinct for me to do so, so I can barely control it without focusing my whole attention on it.. if that makes sense. But it does help me understand and learn the behaviours I do when I start to push him away and I learn to avoid that. However, that is only because I know about PTSD and also because I know I want to get better.. so I have that mindset which is what is lacking in your boyfriend - since he doesn't know he needs to get better, I'm guessing.

I'm glad what I said gave you hope, don't lose that hope - you'll need it! It will be tough, it will continue to be tough and you'll probably wonder what the hell you're doing a good 90% of the time, but, in my own experience, it's worth it. If you honestly care about him and want to be with him in the long run, you do have to be willing to accept his issues, accept his behaviours (with in reason) and learn to manage how you react to them. It is all situational, I'm not saying by managing your reactions means to let him get away with anything, but you do have to be willing to learn when something is okay for him to say or do and when it is definitely not okay.

How do I know whether he loves me but he needs reassurance or he wants to give up on me for real and I have to respect that?

My boyfriend often wondered this about me, I don't/can't show affection very well at all. So he had no idea if I actually loved him and just needed to find a way to show it or if I didn't. This, you have to work out yourselves and find your own little way of working it out. Your boyfriend's self-esteem is probably lacking, hence the need for reassurance of your love, your trust is lacking meaning you're unsure of whether he loves you or not, hence you worrying. I think you need to talk to him about it. Tell him you don't know if he loves you or not, and tell him you want him to try and show you once in a while. Ask him if he needs you to show it more or less or whatever. You just need to talk it all out, openly and find out what each other needs.
Get him to agree to sit down and have an open talk about your relationship, hopefully you'll find a time when both your heads are clear and you can practically take it in turns to say what you need and what you can give to the relationship. I think at this point, you need to go back to stage 1 and figure out what you're doing. Me and my boyfriend did this a couple weeks back and it helped immensly, I got to learn what I needed to do in order to make this less stressful and exhausting for him and he learnt ways he could help me cope with the things I was experiencing/going through.

I really hope this works out for you both, good luck!

 

[Lidia]

This is what I tell my boyfriend day in day out. Like you, he likes promises and makes sure who ever makes them, keeps them. So I tell him that I am not and will not make any promise I am not certain I can keep due to the fact my emotions and behaviours are so all over the place. I, like quite a few with PTSD, are unpredictable, not in a bad way, just in the way that I have no idea how I am going to feel in an hour, in a day, whether I'm going to want to talk to my boyfriend tomorrow or whatever. So, you do have to try and understand the fact that if he makes a promise and then breaks it due to being 'himself', it's going to hurt both of you. Try not to pressure him to make promises or keep the ones he has made (it's not an excuse for him to break promises and it's not fair on you if he breaks them) so I guess it's best to just avoid promises for the time being?

Thank you so much, this really helps!

I do talk to him about my insecurities. I am VERY insecure...I was sexually abused as a child and that affects my sense of self worth. I explained that to him very early on. I explained last week that I need reassurance because I am inclined to think that he is abandoning me or that I am repulsive to him if he is not showing care. Normally, he is very good at showing care and affection. It is only when he is very stressed at work that he becomes a little colder.

We have agreed a series of symbols for when we each need to convey a message to the other. I have a symbol that I send him when I feel insecure and need him to reassure me. He has the same. That works well.

He also does not like to hear that he is pushing me away. He tells me that it hurts him badly, that it makes him make even more guilty and sad because he doesn't mean to do it. By now I know that. Yet, I feel I owe it to both of us to tell him the truth?

He has not said that he is committed to get better and I am not sure he knows what he suffers from. However, he knows he suffers from 'something', he calls these 'deficiencies'. In multiple occasions he has asked me to be patient, saying that he is trying to improve. So that suggests to me that he is committed to improving, even if he does not give the condition a name.

I never pushed him for promises and he never made formal promises. When we first got together, he asked me what I wanted from life and I said I wanted a full relationship and a life together. Later, as things got difficult, I reminded him of what we had said we would work towards and he would ask me to be patient, that he was trying although it did not show. However, the very bad temper I had during my last PMT got some harsh words out of my mouth and he clearly backed off a lot. I later apologised and he said I had nothing to apologise for, that it was no fault of mine and that what I asked is what I deserve from life. Since then, he has been more stand-offish than normal (work also made it harder as he is busy)...Katerina, do you think I can still compensate for the hurt I caused him by being so harsh on him on that occasion? What shall I do to try and make up for it? I feel I have pushed him too much this time...he had said in a previous occasion that my pushing back only makes him feel more wrecked about his deficiencies...

Sorry to keep pestering you but your perspective from the other side is so valuable to me...thank you...x