Betrayal Trauma

[shimmerz]

I just re-read this @digger and made a typo. I get the not liking to compare severity of traumas - but what I meant to say was that a trauma inflicted by someone who is meant to protect you does more damage (and in a different way - thus the word betrayal) than a trauma inflicted by one that is not a person who is meant to keep you safe and nurtured. My apologies and thank you for pointing that out.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am in a situation where my betrayers who do not have a clue to the damage they did to me and to my family, are trying to worm their way back into my life for the purpose of getting information to gossip about me.

I have dealt with the situation and will do everything in my power to protect me.

I moved so far away from them and I was fine with that.

I am slightly triggered today and thinking of all of the ways I can keep them away from me. I am so glad you are bringing this topic up.

I think betrayers do not have a clue to the damage they did to me and their denial and pretense is great.

I just want them to stay away from me and leave me alone so I am planning and discussing the options I have.

Your post is really helping me at this time.

I am making my recovery a top priority. I was feeling pretty good yesterday, but triggered today.

I believe that the betrayal is worse than any abuse I have suffered.

 

[City Slicker]

Hi gizmo,
I am really glad to hear you are making plans to keep safe but sad for what you are going through. I am also glad that something I raised has been helpful. I can say a bit more about it if it might be helpful.

In my own work the 'betrayal trauma' piece mercifully fell into place and was a real life changer. Here's what I understand:

There are different types of betrayal - one type is as a result of someone we love and trust deliberately hurting us and the betrayal that comes from their actions.

Then there is the type of betrayal that comes from other trusted people from whom we needed or expected help or support to find none forthcoming. This type of betrayal is frequently characterized by 'willfull blindness' where the person to whom you looked for help basically looks the other way. That's why it's called 'betrayal trauma'. It isn't so much what they did as what they 'didn't do'. It's not traditionally described in trauma literature until recently and for some reason I kept missing the information until just recently.

I have experienced both types of betrayal and have even seen a third type of betrayal I have read about called 'organizational betrayal' as well - an example of that is workplace bullying - where someone is bullied and the people to whom you turn for help will do nothing to stop it. Because the workplace setting is a place you do not expect to be hurt, when hurt occurs and nothing is done to stop it, it's another example of 'betrayal trauma'.

@gizmo, I am remembering your words today when you said 'I am making my recovery a top priority' and am reciting this to myself today too. Thank you for the reminder - it was really good to hear.

 

[ghotiff]

To make sure I understand, is your therapist wanting to move your appointments further apart so that she has time to process?

My new T said it is so "I" have more time to process between sessions.

My last T moved to 6 weekly so that I had more recovery time between sessions to self-stabilise.

I'm new to therapy, and I understand that I can't be upset for just the 1 hour and walk out feeling fine, but I would have thought that generally I should be feeling okay again once 1 to 2 days have passed since my appointment. I am trying to hold down my job through all of this, if the therapy effects me deeply for more than 1 to 2 days then my job is impacted. Maybe thats a separate question though.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Willfull blindness is what I experienced. Not only that but I was gossiped about and my trust in keeping confidence what happened to me was commited. There is a really good book called People of the lie by Scott Peck. It showed me that some people are willfully unconscious and have no clue to the damage they do.

I have so appreciated your bringing this post up.

There is another good book called the Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. These books have been really good resources for me.

When the betrayal takes place, it is a branding experience and it leaves such deep scars for years. It is a hard one to heal from. I keep on asking what is the lesson here to be learned.

My healing and recovery are very important to me. I needed some validation at the time and there was none. I was so many people involved and no one can be vindicated when one is gossiped about and eventually outcasted because of a cult group. They all follow a leader and wrongs are never addressed. They are minimized, denied, and the victim tends to feel crazy.

It keeps on looping back onto the victim where the support they once experienced disappears. All turn a blind eye and keep on following the cult leader.

They believe they are in the right and the victim is in the wrong. There is so much to be said about this dynamic.

But I left anyway without one friend to validate my experience. I do not want to be pitied nor fixed by well intentioned people who are so vastly ignorant.

I just love being able to talk about it here on the forum.

 

[City Slicker]

Yes, I see, thank you ghotiff for the clarification. I asked also because my old therapist would have asked for more time so that 'she' could process : ). I understand how the effects of therapy can throw everything else off balance especially when trying to even just maintain. I hope this therapist is a good one and someone you can do some good work with.

 

[City Slicker]

Hi gizmo,
I understand what you mean - what you are describing is almost like a 'campaign' of willfull blindness where an entire community does this to a member. It is very hard to find anything written or discussed about the impact of this on people that have gone through it. That's one reason I was so happy to have found some stuff that described the dynamic.

I am going to check out the book you mentioned - I read People of the Lie ages ago and I am sure i still have my copy somewhere. Time to get it out again.

I have been reading a lot of Jennifer Freyd lately. She's got a book called Blind to Betrayal (a more recent one) and another called The Logic of Forgetting Child Abuse which was written quite a while ago. She's got a very interesting and painful story herself and she shares some in her books. But the things she touches on are things that I have never read anywhere before.

It also allows me to explore shame in a context that says shame exists as a result of the betrayal and that where you find huge amounts of shame in a person, you will generally need to look for significant betrayal. Mind changing and altering for me.

 

[ghotiff]

I think betrayers do not have a clue to the damage they did to me and their denial and pretense is great

I agree with this and I think many betrayers (at least most of mine) don't even realise that they were doing it. In response to your circumstances...the idea that a group of people would pack together to form group betrayal is just so horrible that I don't even know how to comment.

Then there is the type of betrayal that comes from other trusted people from whom we needed or expected help or support to find none forthcoming. This type of betrayal is frequently characterized by 'willfull blindness' where the person to whom you looked for help basically looks the other way. That's why it's called 'betrayal trauma'. It isn't so much what they did as what they 'didn't do'.

This was my betrayal. My abuse was outside the home ... my betrayal was by family, friends, teachers, police....the list goes on and on....I reached out a lot.

I made the link today between the betrayal trauma concept and the descriptions of likelihood of getting PTSD after trauma. below is a quote, but shortened to only the relevant bits.
"Risk factors for PTSD include: eg Having little or no social support after the event
Resilience factors that may reduce the risk of PTSD include: eg Seeking out support from other people, such as friends and family"
As I read this I see that effectively I had no social support during or after the events. Then, I supposedly had "resilience factors" because I did reach out for support....but those cries of help were not met with support, but met with denial and minimisation.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

yes, @ghotiff, I don't think its necessary or even helpful to give every symptom its own big name. I mean, I challenge you to tell me ANY childhood trauma that didn't involve "betray trauma" as defined above. You can't! It is the job of our parents to keep us safe, and if we were truly safe then we never would have been traumatized. Hence a redundant term. Even a natural disaster where the trauma wasn't done by a person could be seen as a betrayal since those entrusted to keep the child safe simply could not (even though it was out of their hands).

 

[shell]

I always took the theory of betrayal trauma to be that the very people who are supposed to protect us are either our abusers, or fail to protect us from our abusers, because they chose to ignore the abuse, or believe the abuser, or support the abuser by refusing to act.

Both of my parents betrayed me, as well as several other relatives, one was the abuser and the others who stood by and refused to act while I was violently attacked even as a toddler, in front of their eyes. As a result of my families betrayal, a lack of trust in anyone became ingrained, I grew up taking responsibility for the abuse because no-one stopped it from happening, and all of their behaviour reinforced the belief.

I grew up not only believing I was to blame, but that I was defective and unacceptable and wrong in every way, because we are taught that we have to love our parents no matter what we feel, it leads to denial, and minimization because we need to rely on these people for our very survival.

For me the affects of being betrayed had as much of an effect as the abuse, because it lead to lasting changes in my self perception. I think it lead to my self hatred, an inability to trust, an inability to accept love because I believe I am undeserving, and beliefs that I was defective and made them act that way, it was lasting, it didn't cease when the abuse stopped.

I continue to work on the beliefs that were instilled as a result of the betrayal, they are very lasting and have become automatic. When you have an audience to the abuse, and your a child, and no-one acts, you believe it must be you that is making it happen.

 

[City Slicker]

Hi Shell,
Yes, that's my understanding as well. The abuse or trauma doesn't have to be caused by a person in whose care you are or a person entrusted with your care. That certainly is one type of betrayal.

You are identifying the people that stood by and did nothing even while you were attacked as a baby. It is heartbreaking this happened to you. Those that stood by are more to which the theory of Betrayal Trauma refers. I am sorry you experienced this.

 

[City Slicker]

In case I haven't expressed the concepts well, the theory of betrayal trauma is meant to apply more to those not actively responsible for hurting us but betrayed us as a result of their refusal to help, refusal to intervene or displaying willfull blindness to what we were going through. In Betrayal Trauma there is often a hope or expectation that you would have received help or assistance and didn't.

This was a real life changer for me in understanding the real nitty gritty of how everything played out.