Can You Heal Without Dealing With The Past?

[mightsurvive]

Hi

I had my first cpn appointment yesterday. She was lovely so I will be going back again. Just not sure why though.

She told me that she was going to help me deal with the present and the future but not the past. She said we would be looking forward not backwards.

So i'm confused as to how she can help me. How can you look to the future without healing from the past? How can you heal from the past without talking about it? How will the guilt and awful feelings and memories go away without dealing with them?

Maybe she thinks it is something I can just put behind me but its not. I know I need to talk to her about me not understanding how I can just forget the past AND get better but wondered if I am simply just wrong.

It feels like she wants me to forget it but I cant. I wish I could forget but I just think that even if I could forget everything that happened then one day it will come back and bite me on the arse again - ten times worse.

This site has taught me a lot. It has taught me not to run from things and to face them even if it is harder in the short term. It has taught me that facing things will help me recover in the long term. And I believe 100% in what this has taught me. But now I'm just being told to put it in the past. I thought that I was doing myself good by dealing with things but she seems to think I'm just torturing myself. Everything is so mixed up in my head now.

Is it possible to just say "I refuse to let this bother me. I'm going to move on"? Has anyone found that this works for them?

If this technique doesnt work (pretty certain it wont for me) then she wont be able to help me and I'm rapidly losing the tiny piece of hope I had of getting any help and getting better even slightly. Im getting to the point where im thinking "what is the point of even trying. Noone can help me. I may as well just get used to living this hellish life".

If this technique does work then great - ill give anything go no matter how impossible it may seem.

She also said that being on a forum like this is probably not good for me because it keeps me thinking about things. I disagree completely though. I may as well just say well im going to avoid everything that reminds me of it if that is what she is saying. To me that is not dealing with things its just hiding from them. Am i right or am i wrong? I'm just so confused.

On the positive side I have found the guts to report my trauma to the police. I know its going to be hard (understatement) but it something I have to do not just for me but for other people.

 

[ruddy]

Mightsurvive,

It seems to me that I have tried what your counselor is suggesting. In the long run it didn't work.

About two years ago I was treated for an adjustment disorder after the death of my husband coupled with a job loss. That counseling did help me to deal with current events (grief). However the ptsd inhibited my ability to move forward in my life. So it was back to the drawing board (facing the past).

I suggest you ask her some questions and consider getting a second opinion. What is her diagnosis? Does she think you have problems in the present that must be dealt with before the ptsd can be addressed? Does she think you have incorrectly self diagnosed ptsd as a result of the time you have spent on the forum?

I'm not sure if that helps at all - just food for thought.

Best regards, Ruddy

 

[mightsurvive]

hiya ruddy

Thanks so much for your reply. I guess you are just confirming what I thought anyway. But its good to know that I am not just refusing to listen to her and that I do have a valid point to make.

Dont think she can diagnose - shes a psychiatric nurse not a psychiatrist. I will have to ask her those questions though. I dont think I have any problems in the present but maybe she will see something that I have missed.

My former psychologist sort of diagnosed me. She said she thought I almost definitely had ptsd but she isnt a psychiatrist so she cant diagnose really. I will ask the cpn if she can get me a proper diagnosis. That should help me a bit. Either I dont have it (which would be great to hear) or I do and I can maybe get some proper help.

Not seeing her for a fortnight so will ask her then.

Thanks for your input Ruddy and take care

 

[lrs]

I would not put much credence in what this cpn told you. I think you are now on the right path. I have been through the psychiatric evaluations, done by properly trained professionals. My experience has been that these evaluations are accurate and helpfull.
Once again, I think Ruddy touched on something important, in regards to PTSD kind of getting in the way of going though the cycle of grief.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Hi Might,

You are right, you have to face your past, your fears, your trauma in order to get through it. there is no going around it, or leaving it behind. You can't just stuff everything, because it will bite you in the arse later. That's why most of us use booze, self harm, drugs, and the like, it has helped us to stuff and try to forget everything.

Is it possible that your CPN was actually telling you that you would be working on the future, and present, as in coping skills??? Ways to deal with the crap that you are going through with symptoms????

I just can't see a trained CPN or anyone telling you to just forget the past. Sounds actually like it would hurt more than help. JMO!!!!

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiya Irs

thank you for confimrming what I thought was the case in that I need to deal with the past. Now I have to figure out if it is worth me continuing with her if she cant help me do that. Will talk to her about it first though.

I'm ever so glad that the evaluations etc helped you. Just doesnt seem to be the right sort of help around here.

My present is fine as far as I am concerned if I wasnt dealing with the trauma so at least i dont have that to cope with as well. So the only real problem I have is the trauma and the ptsd. however, now I think about it there is a kind of grief there, just a different sort of grief - the guilt, the self hate etc etc. - but that all stems from the trauma and ptsd, which is all in the past.

I really need to talk to her about this. I know that. She told me to write a letter to him with everything in it and then burn it ceremoniously saying to myself "this is the beginning of the end". I hope that works but I just feel I could write a lever arch file of stuff to him not a letter. I dont feel that I can do that properly till I have come to terms with the past though so Im not gonna do that letter and will talk to her first.

Thanks so much for your post and do take care Irs

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiy Shecat

Thank you for what you have said. Helps me to feel that I'm not just making things worse for myself by trying to face this. I've done all the stuffing in the world and look what its done to me. Its just made things so much worse.

Also thanks for the point about me having possibly missunderstood what she was saying. She told me she had suffered a similar trauma so surely she should understand that you cant just pretend it didnt happen and that you need to deal with past issues to be able to heal.

Treating the physical symptoms would be a great start but I know that the mental symptoms are going to be a lot harder and I dont think they can be treated withyout talking about the past. I will clear this up with her next time. If she did mean that we would be looking at the past to help me with the future then I am sure that she is worth sticking with. Just didnt come across that way.

She didnt exactly say "forget" the past she said to throw it all back at him and to say "Ive had enough of what he has done and how it is affecting me and im not going to let what happened continue to make me suffer" but i took it as "you should throw it all back at him and forget it". Stil seems impossible to stop it from affecting me just like that though. If it were possible i would ahve done it already. Strange how we can misinterpret things when we are messed up. I hope that it was all a misunderstanding. I really do.

Again thank you for your comments and support

Take care Shecat

 

[Deleted member 541]

Hey might,

I have a friend that loves to write letters and do the burning thing. She said it has help her a lot. She writes the nastiest letter she can think of. She tells this person exactly what they did to her, how it has effected her life, and changed her as a person. She then goes on to call them ever name in the book, and a few other things. Then she does the ceremony thing. She said it worked for her. Help her to rid herself of the hatred and anger.

Anger and hatred CAN hold you back from healing. I know this for a fact. You have to let go of the anger in order to heal.

Good luck.

 

[anthony]

I think you have the idea.... you cannot go forward without first facing your past fears. PTSD feeds upon fear, past, present or future. Negative emotion creates fear, whether you like it or not, that what it does. If you have negative emotion bottled within from past pain you must face that emotion, you must deal with it head on, you must find resolution with that emotion to remove it, quash it or accept it so it can change to a more neutral emotion (ie. I must accept this because it cannot be changed now, I either accept it or try and keep fighting it to go away).

I think you know now.... the CPN was an idiot. Lovely as they may off been, lovely is not what you need with trauma, you need empathetic + pushy = you healed. That is what you need in any therapy or related person, those two factors, not sympathy, not understanding, empathy + pushy. You need someone who will push you hard, even when you think your broken, they need to be pushing you until you break through a negative emotion, then they empathise to support you for your hard work achieved. Recover, repeat process.

 

[ruddy]

She didnt exactly say "forget" the past she said to throw it all back at him and to say "Ive had enough of what he has done and how it is affecting me and im not going to let what happened continue to make me suffer" but i took it as "you should throw it all back at him and forget it".

As I read this statement I was reminded of the pep talk I continually give myself to stay on course. "I will not allow what happened to me in the past destroy my future." That means taking on the tough task of facing the past, not dismissing it. Is that the point she was trying to make? Could it be a matter of interpretation?

 

[anthony]

I don't believe that was the point ruddy if the CPN was ruling out going into the past period....

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiya Shecat

Its nice to hear that has worked for your friends Shecat. I will do it one day I'm sure. I got the impression that I only could do it once but thinking about it she never actually said that. Again - I have to learn to make sure I listen to what she is saying more carfully and dont jump to conclusions.

I will give it a go but after I have talked to her again. Theres a few thngs I need to clear up first. I have major hatred and anger issues so it might help with them. As i say, i'll do anything to try and get better.

Take care and thanks again Shecat