General Is He Doing The Same With Me As He Did With Her?

[Lidia]

I am going crazy today, trying to understand whether I can believe what my PTSD boyfriend tells me about his romantic love for me.

When we first met, he was in a relationship with a girl that he described as 'very kind, but more of a friend' as far as he was concerned. He said 'something is missing in my relationship with her' and 'I don't feel what I should'. He said he had tried to leave her but she kept insisting that they should be together and he was too afraid to be alone. They had know each other for 6 years and he could not even remember at what point they got together.

When we met, he left her immediately. When we got together, he said that he had never felt such strong feelings as he felt with me since his former fiance', who had died in a car crash which he barely survived years ago (which is where he got his PTSD from). We both felt so very strongly about each other it was crazy. He kept saying that this had never happened to him, that is was special and that he wanted to cherish it.

It has been 5 months now and his declarations of love come and go. Sometimes he goes for 2, 3 or 4 weeks without responding to my romantic messages. With his help, I have come to understand that he does not feel it during those times. He then goes back to being romantic and express romantic love. Then he is not feeling it again. In the past month or so he has had a stressful time and he has not been responding to romantic notes at all...in fact, he has pushed me away every time.

I am starting to wonder...what if he is starting to feel that 'something is missing' just as he felt with this girl just before me? What if this is a pattern for him? What if the fact that he is not able to feel things because of his illness made him say that he was not in love with her, but perhaps he was in the same way as he claims to be with me? How do I know when it is the illness talking and when he is being himself? How do I know if he really loves me romantically?

I am soo lost...the anxiety from those thoughts is not letting me get on with my life and my job...he is taking time out this week, so I don't get to hold him...and why is it that it is OK to be with his Mum when he feels this way but he won't let me close to him??? Gosh...I am going mad...

 

[Jezanna]

I did a lot of on again off again with my now husband early in our relationship. I loved him but I was distrustful and feared being vulnerable. I have no idea if this is what's going on with him . Ask him. See if he will enter therapy with you. This may be a pattern and you will have to decide if you can continue in a relationship with him. Best of luck.

 

[Lidia]

@Jezanna
Do you mind me asking if it got better with your husband after a while?

I did ask him and I ask him every time I am insecure. He says his feelings are the same, they haven't changed. But, again, can I trust what he says?

Thank you so much.

 

[RussH]

,Here is a thought: When he says something is missing, perhaps he is looking for it in the wrong place. There is an empty spot in him, and in all of us, that cannot be filled by another person, and if he is trying to find that something in you, or others, then he will never find it.

I can only answer for me; I found the only place I could get that missing piece found was a relationship with the God who created me.

I am not trying to preach to you, I am simply sharing from my own life experience.

 

[scout86]

What if this is a pattern for him?

How would YOU answer that question? Because it quite possibly IS a pattern. Is he working on all this somehow? Does HE see that it might be a pattern?

can I trust what he says?

What's YOUR answer to that? You didn't ask if he was telling the truth, you asked if YOU could trust HIM. Can you? Has he given you reasons to trust him or not?

My perspective on words is a little skewed, truly, but all that "romantic talk" is just words and talk is cheap. How does he act? How does he treat you? How does he treat other people? Anyone can say anything to anybody, it doesn't have to mean anything. Does he do more than talk the talk?

You're really the only person who can answer those questions. What you seem to be asking is how you should feel and react to his behavior. "Anyway you want!" If you want to be in a relationship like the one you're in, there's nothing wrong with that. If you don't, there's nothing wrong with THAT either. You can also work to improve the relationship you're in, but you BOTH have to do that, if it's going to amount to anything. If he's not willing to do that, you probably have your answer right there.

 

[Lidia]

@scout86 , I see what you mean...I guess if he did not treat me well (when he is well), I would not bother with him at all. What keeps me in this relationship is that he is very kind, attentive and loving when he is fine. When he is not well, he just hides away and does not let me see him, which makes me feel abandoned and I can't help perceiving him as selfish because he is not paying me attention. But I guess that is the nature of the illness. With others, he is very reliable. He is a gentleman.

There is also the problem that I can have a distorter perception of the man I am with during moments of stress. I was abused as a child and my sense of self worth is very low, so I start from the assumption that the person does no care until they REALLY prove to me that they care. I guess my questions from today could stem from the fact that I myself am going through a bad patch...I will only know once my own crises and his are over...by which time both our recollection of events will be distorted and fragmented...the beauty of two people with issues getting together, I guess : /

 

[Tanishq]

Lidia, may I ask you does he tell you why he was hiding? Discusses about it? Does he give you resoning for absence?

 

[Lidia]

Tanishq, he tells me that he needs space, that he wants to lock himself away, be alone, that he cannot cope with being with people. He is comfortable being with his mother and often goes to visit her (she lives about 3h drive from here). She lives in the countryside and he likes being there, it calms him down. He does not yet seem to be relaxed enough to be with me when he is down. He once told me that he is afraid I will see something I don't like, think less of him. So, 4 months on, I only get to see him when he is well, both physically and psychologically. Why do you ask, Tanishq?

 

[Tanishq]

Lidia, then that is good. He obviously needs to work on that. It seems he is right, trauma has hit him very hard.

With that you both do need to work on, that's what I feel.

I asked because I felt like here you might understand is there any pattern or himself? Clearly himself. He is making choices. It's good of him that he lets you know.

I understand you want to be with him always. Lidia, how about you tell him being together no matter what? Did you tell him this? if yes, then sorry to ask you again.

 

[Lidia]

Tanishq, I told him that I have already accepted him implicitly, that I want to share the good and the bad with him. He told me that he would try to let me in but that it is not in his nature. However, I am also afraid of being vulnerable and I lost my patience with him last month and I said things (to the effect that he is not behaving like a loving boyfriend, he does not make time for me and does not seem to care about me at all) that led him to believe I had made up my mind about leaving him. I reassured him that that wasn't the case, but that I needed to know from him whether he wanted to be together and work on things. He avoided giving me a straight answer and just said that he does not feel he could ever be enough for me, that my messages show clearly that I am unhappy in the relationship. Since then, he has been much more distant with me. The big blow came when I organised these two special days away for his birthday and he refused to accept my gift (he said it was too much and he didn't deserve it. Said he felt sick). That threw both him and I over the edge. I have not seen him for a week, since I gave him that card with the details of the trip... He has been saying that even a kind word cripples him now. Why? How can I support him? I love him...I want to be with him...

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess part of that acceptance would have to include his inability to be present? Idk, but I can't 'do' receiving gifts very well, either. I think the danger in saying you can still love 'all' of him 'no matter what' may lead him to feel you are only able to say that because of what you don't know about him, or how he is. Really the only way for him to know if you truly still could care for him when you know more is seeing your response if he tells you more.

 

[Lidia]

Junebug, that makes a lot of sense. Thank you. But it is a catch 22, isn't it? The more he is afraid of showing his colours to me, the more my unconditional acceptance will lead him to hide more rather than less. I don't know how to break that cycle...how I can get him to relax to the point that he will let me in more? He tells me a lot, it is just that he does not spend enough time with me (I miss him...I miss the physical contact). We communicate every day, all day, even when he hides away. It is seeing more of him that is the "problem"...he says he only feels he deserves to see me when he is at his best...