I already wrote a post today, but I need to get some things off my chest. I am so confused about things. I have avoided so many situations and places and people. I think its gotten to the point that people have given up on me. You see ever since I made the police complaint I notice a change in people around me. I focus on the possibility that I may causing a self fulfilling prophecy with my more tense body language. But I feel as if so many people try to avoid me. I have gotten comments about how my energy is negative and it is like poison to those around me, but it is so confusing because I keep to myself. I go out of my way to not hurt people with what I am. How do I still manage to do so.
My cousin just had a baby and I was so excited to meet her, but any contact I have tried to make has failed. I feel so unwanted by my family. I feel as though they are very upset because I said something. That they feel I just want attention or should just deal with it. No one believes that it happened. They all treat me as if I just want attention.
I finally went to my mma class again and I felt as though so many things was different. Like people were avoiding me. There is one guy I worked with the most so I felt as though we were becoming friends. I mean we talk and laugh together, I now a little bit about his personal life, I care about him as a person. But a while back I felt as though he was mad at me for something, he went from goofy and supportive to a bit more irritated. I figured maybe he was having bad days or under a lot of stress so I gave him space, but was sad at the fact that I may have done something to make him upset. Either way I decided to respect his space and only be around him when I felt I was invited.
When I came back after a couple weeks, I still notice the slight cold shoulder so I respect it. We get partnered and he starts acting like his usual goofy self. But you can tell it is more forced. Another thing is whenever people people put on pads usually other students naturally help the other because it is difficult to do, but I notice everyone helps each other, but no one ever offers me help. I do not mind, I can put them on fine, but I do not understand why people go out of their way to make it known that I am not to be helped.
A part of fears that this can be because they are avoiding giving me attention, which is fine I do not want attention, but do they have to exclude me from everything and go out there way to make it known I do not fit. It is just hard because I am already so wounded, but do I really need to add to those wounds. In a way I guess I feel like I am being punished for reaching out, that a lesson is trying to be taught. But what I learned is no one can help me and I am not worth helping.
I understand I can't really say what is really going on and may not even be worth thinking about, but I can't help but think I am doing something horribly wrong that I cause people to treat like poison. I keep trying to fix it. I don't want to be friends with everyone, I just want to treated like I am human too.
My cousin just had a baby and I was so excited to meet her, but any contact I have tried to make has failed. I feel so unwanted by my family. I feel as though they are very upset because I said something. That they feel I just want attention or should just deal with it. No one believes that it happened. They all treat me as if I just want attention.
I finally went to my mma class again and I felt as though so many things was different. Like people were avoiding me. There is one guy I worked with the most so I felt as though we were becoming friends. I mean we talk and laugh together, I now a little bit about his personal life, I care about him as a person. But a while back I felt as though he was mad at me for something, he went from goofy and supportive to a bit more irritated. I figured maybe he was having bad days or under a lot of stress so I gave him space, but was sad at the fact that I may have done something to make him upset. Either way I decided to respect his space and only be around him when I felt I was invited.
When I came back after a couple weeks, I still notice the slight cold shoulder so I respect it. We get partnered and he starts acting like his usual goofy self. But you can tell it is more forced. Another thing is whenever people people put on pads usually other students naturally help the other because it is difficult to do, but I notice everyone helps each other, but no one ever offers me help. I do not mind, I can put them on fine, but I do not understand why people go out of their way to make it known that I am not to be helped.
A part of fears that this can be because they are avoiding giving me attention, which is fine I do not want attention, but do they have to exclude me from everything and go out there way to make it known I do not fit. It is just hard because I am already so wounded, but do I really need to add to those wounds. In a way I guess I feel like I am being punished for reaching out, that a lesson is trying to be taught. But what I learned is no one can help me and I am not worth helping.
I understand I can't really say what is really going on and may not even be worth thinking about, but I can't help but think I am doing something horribly wrong that I cause people to treat like poison. I keep trying to fix it. I don't want to be friends with everyone, I just want to treated like I am human too.
