AqueousAndroid
Bronze Member
Hi, I am posting this because my trauma has seemed to rear its head in my relationships, at work, and just my emotional well-being altogether.
As the subject says, this is my introduction.
I want to start off by saying that I have been in therapy most of my life. I started at an early age (maybe 5? 6?) and continued well into my teens and beyond (probably stopped at 21, then a brief stint at 23). I am unsure why I entered therapy at such a young age, and if you continue reading you may be able to understand why I have no answers for this. I stopped going to therapy for insurance/monetary reasons.
The root of my PTSD came from back in 2000. I was 11 and living with my single-parent mother (just want to note I am extremely anxious as I type this...which is interesting since I usually have an easy time relaying this story face-to-face with people..guess a larger audience is scary), who was at the time unemployed. It was early in the morning and I remember hearing screams suddenly from the garage which was attached to our kitchen. I vividly remember reaching for the brass door handle when it turned as my mother emerged through the door, engulfed in flames. "MOM!" I remember shouting, "What happened?!" (of course the dumbass kid I was, I didn't dial 911 or anything, no I just wanted to know what happened to her) and I remember her telling me "it was an accident, call the neighbor" which I did. I didn't call 911, and in a repressed way I imagine I blame myself for that. Anyway, long story short I became an orphan that day and have (mostly) since lived in a mindset where the things that happened to me that day and beyond that day weren't so bad.
But then there are days like a couple ago where the things that happened that day were really bad. I work at a convenience store/gas station... I know that doesn't seem like it would be FULL of triggers for me or anything....anyway a couple nights ago I was cleaning one of the fancy turbo ovens, but must not have cleaned it out well enough because all of a sudden there was a bunch of smoke coming out of it. I froze and my mind kept going back to that day back in 2000, and I remember seeing my mom and her face, and the sounds and the smell, and watching her drop and roll and her screams and it all came back to me. I fixed the problem in the store in the moment (which fortunately was nothing more than a few crumbs that needed to be cleaned out), and immediately after that went into our walk in freezer to prevent myself from bursting into tears. Apparently, that's how I handle all my stress by the way, I cry.
Even though I have been in therapy most of my life, I stopped which has been good and bad for me. Good because I did learn from an early age how to manipulate therapists (turn a 45 minute session into a 5 minute one...by lying. Which I now know does me no good), and it was not beneficial for me not to get into a situation where I didn't want to deal with my problems because in one-on-one therapy. Bad because I don't feel half the time I have someone to whom I may vent my problems. I want to join a PTSD support group locally, but I fear the others who have gone through so much more than I have. I don't want to waste other peoples' time. I don't want to do one-on-one therapy, I'd rather do so in a group forum, so I want to start off online. I'm hoping to learn some coping skills from everyone else, and I want to help support others here as well.
I posted nearly this same long intro on another board, but recently looked and it doesn't appear it is very active. I figured I'd try this here since it looks like there are more members.
Thanks for reading! Sorry for the novel!
As the subject says, this is my introduction.
I want to start off by saying that I have been in therapy most of my life. I started at an early age (maybe 5? 6?) and continued well into my teens and beyond (probably stopped at 21, then a brief stint at 23). I am unsure why I entered therapy at such a young age, and if you continue reading you may be able to understand why I have no answers for this. I stopped going to therapy for insurance/monetary reasons.
The root of my PTSD came from back in 2000. I was 11 and living with my single-parent mother (just want to note I am extremely anxious as I type this...which is interesting since I usually have an easy time relaying this story face-to-face with people..guess a larger audience is scary), who was at the time unemployed. It was early in the morning and I remember hearing screams suddenly from the garage which was attached to our kitchen. I vividly remember reaching for the brass door handle when it turned as my mother emerged through the door, engulfed in flames. "MOM!" I remember shouting, "What happened?!" (of course the dumbass kid I was, I didn't dial 911 or anything, no I just wanted to know what happened to her) and I remember her telling me "it was an accident, call the neighbor" which I did. I didn't call 911, and in a repressed way I imagine I blame myself for that. Anyway, long story short I became an orphan that day and have (mostly) since lived in a mindset where the things that happened to me that day and beyond that day weren't so bad.
But then there are days like a couple ago where the things that happened that day were really bad. I work at a convenience store/gas station... I know that doesn't seem like it would be FULL of triggers for me or anything....anyway a couple nights ago I was cleaning one of the fancy turbo ovens, but must not have cleaned it out well enough because all of a sudden there was a bunch of smoke coming out of it. I froze and my mind kept going back to that day back in 2000, and I remember seeing my mom and her face, and the sounds and the smell, and watching her drop and roll and her screams and it all came back to me. I fixed the problem in the store in the moment (which fortunately was nothing more than a few crumbs that needed to be cleaned out), and immediately after that went into our walk in freezer to prevent myself from bursting into tears. Apparently, that's how I handle all my stress by the way, I cry.
Even though I have been in therapy most of my life, I stopped which has been good and bad for me. Good because I did learn from an early age how to manipulate therapists (turn a 45 minute session into a 5 minute one...by lying. Which I now know does me no good), and it was not beneficial for me not to get into a situation where I didn't want to deal with my problems because in one-on-one therapy. Bad because I don't feel half the time I have someone to whom I may vent my problems. I want to join a PTSD support group locally, but I fear the others who have gone through so much more than I have. I don't want to waste other peoples' time. I don't want to do one-on-one therapy, I'd rather do so in a group forum, so I want to start off online. I'm hoping to learn some coping skills from everyone else, and I want to help support others here as well.
I posted nearly this same long intro on another board, but recently looked and it doesn't appear it is very active. I figured I'd try this here since it looks like there are more members.
Thanks for reading! Sorry for the novel!
