Forge Meaning, Build Identity

[desiderata310]

I get it: it's the idea of, "terrible things happened to me but I am here and strong and because I went through this I am more... Capable, stronger, yadda yadda yadda."
The problem is there's no greater purpose. It's suffering without meaning and difficult to bear.

My therapist wants me to change my narrative. He says I am already doing this. He points to things like me filing for a restraining order as proof but that was me at the end of my rope. It's not me changing my story into one of triumph, it was me grasping for safety and trying to hold on to what little peace I have here in my new town.

I would like to repainted my life to one of 'I survived and I am triumphant'. I don't feel that is truthful. I don't feel this is what will happen. I think that my story may evolve to ' these horrible things happened and for the most part no one knows or could guess because most days it no longer shows' I think this is the most I can hope for.

The author also talks about traumatic things which happened to him as well- things like being ostracized throughout childhood. In his other Ted videos he goes in depth with his very long and difficult struggle with depression (with which he is still struggling).

He has a phd in psychology, which means in some ways that he is simply very adept at speaking very floridly. <shrug>
Sorry to upset folks...

 

[Pencil]

Therapists should warn people with PTSD or other serious issues to not listen to TED talks.

don't expect me to think that having a child with disabilities is the same as being traumatised by the kinds of things that me and other people on this forum have been traumatised by. With a child with disabilities, you might have all sorts of "challenges" I can't imagine.

What really annoys me about the 'I have a child with disabilities' type of thing is that the person saying that makes it all about THEM. What about the child? How does the disabled child feel? Do THEY think there is meaning in the disability? Sheesh, can't the interview the 'real victim'?

While I do believe in post traumatic growth, I think this message, like most TED messages, is coming from a place of relative safety and privilege. Right, he was gay and ostracized for that, and that could not have been easy (and his Mom took him out for a treat). But he lives in an era where being gay is not what it was when Oscar Wilde's life was utterly destroyed. So, Oscar, what meaning did you find? I've read De Profundis, Wilde's attempt at finding a deeper meaning, and it has such a depressingly false tone. He died friendless, penniless - a total pariah and in excile - within two years after De Profundis. There's lots and lots of meaning to be found if you are relatively unscathed and safely ensconced within a community, a family, a social class that provides comfort, a profession. Oh, and if you can tell your silly story on TED.

 

[Valentino]

maybe one turn off about the TED format is that it feels a bit elitist?

from their about page: http://www.ted.com/about/our-organization/how-ted-works/debunking-ted-myths

TED is elitist
In one sense, this is true -- we curate our speaker list and our TED Talks lineup very carefully. And we "curate" our audience at conferences to make sure we have a balanced, diverse group that can support our mission of bringing great ideas to the world for free.

But we also work hard not to be elitist in ways that matter. We actively seek out ideas from all over the world, in multiple languages. We work to diversify both our lineup and our attendee roster, devoting time and budget to seeking out and supporting attendees who couldn't afford to come on their own, but who'll be great contributors. We also devote significant time and money to bringing TED Talks to people who lack access to broadband or have other accessibility issues. We hope the proof of the pudding is that our talks are available for free to anyone in the world.

It's not really a format that's focused about mental health or trauma recovery. It originated as a conference about Technology, Entertainment, and Design, then it's turned into platform for "spreading ideas, usually in the form of short, powerful talks (18 minutes or less).". It's really challenging to go into much depth in 18 minutes and at the same time try to make it a powerful talk for a general audience.

It can be seen as part of our fast paced modern narcissistic society that values: Quick fix & feel good. Style over substance, Image over ideals. Short attention span and exciting over depth and understanding. etc.

 

[Pencil]

a bit elitist?

Well said!

 

[The Albatross]

I like the idea of forging meaning and building an identity. I have not though watched that particular TED talk. I worked a lot on my own perspectives, self examining and choosing meaning. I worked on my own character and building my own identity independent of the things that happened to me.

I get the "I survived" part. But the "and I am triumphant" is a stretch for me. My own generally beneficial script now is "I survived and I am reasonably competent and capable in most all situations." Best I could do. While the optimism of positive psychology may be helpful to some... the best I could muster was and largely is finding meaning and perspectives that "best serve me moving forward."

Post events, how I write the end of the story is largely up to me.

 

[The Albatross]

Doubled back to add that it was important for me to not only rewrite my own narrative, but also to identify and then to teach myself those things and character traits necessary for a more generally satisfying life.

 

[Hope4Now]

On the opinions that TED Talks are elitist, I'd Ike to add an additional perspective.

The web has opened up a whole world of communication and information and ideas to anyone with access to the internet. It is probably the most powerful venue for leveling the playing field--with very few exceptions, individuals of every social stratum, any level of intelligence or experience, any age, etc. can participate...read, listen, watch, take free university courses, meet people from across the world.

TED Talks are one part of this leveling activity. While some audiences may find some of the speakers' ideas elitist (although I haven't experienced one yet), the free availability of the talks is about as anti-elitist as you get. One does not need to pay for tickets, dress properly, or travel to have the opportunity to listen to the ideas and experiences of these creative and talented people. TED and other curated venues like it, offer a wide swath of people open access TO the intellectual and creative worlds. These worlds used to be considered elitist because they excluded--now they include, and I am grateful for how profoundly they have contributed to my knowledge.

 

[Hope4Now]

Whether life (and whatever it throws at you) is meaningful or not is a philosophical question that has been on the wrestling mat of metaphysics for many centuries. There are as many ways of considering meaning (or lack of meaning) as there are people thinking about it.

Most people, once their basic needs for physical and emotional safety are met to some degree, naturally seek more fulfillment and growth in life. Finding and/or forging meaning is one of those quests. The famed psychologist, Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is a simple graphic representation of all humans' drives to get our needs met. Meaning is a need.

And meaning changes across time and individuals and events. If we discover "the meaning" of something, or decide that something "has no meaning," and then fix our decision in our own minds, we are in danger of becoming rigid and narrow-minded--and these are conditions that stunt growth.

Awful things happened (and are often still happening) to those of us on this forum and to hundreds of thousands of people throughout the world. We all need to forge ways to grow and change. Maybe for me, the meaning of my experiences emerges in, or actually is, my drive to grow and change into what I will be in the next moment, or next decade. For me, "meaning" is dynamic...ever-shifting and transforming, sometimes in startling ways.

@desiderata310 I'm glad you opened this discussion. Your words and others opinions have helped
me articulate my own.

 

[Hashi]

I don't think TED talks are elitist. I'm afraid I think they're over simplistic. (And... I have to say it... patronising....).

To me, the TED world is nothing but soundbites. Free soundbites, accessible to everyone, shallowly "inspiring" and unthreatening. Just like advertising is.