Being Easily Influenced

[Meadowsweet]

If somebody asked me to describe myself, I feel completely blank. I tend to describe myself in terms of what I do - I'm a mother, I go to work, I work on mental health issues, I don't socialise.

When I look back at my life, I see quite distinct versions of a personality. Those personality changes are my response to having people in my life (perhaps more so men than women). It isn't people pleasing, it's very genuinely thinking of myself according to how other people behave towards me or speak to me.

So if somebody tells me or treats me like I'm good or kind or something, I believe that, and I begin to do things that cement it, I might start doing extra things to help others etc. If somebody treats me like I'm stupid, I believe that I can't do things for myself.

Those examples are over-simplified, and the personality changes come from being treated that way over a period of time, and are also more influenced by the people closest to me. Which is what makes me so vulnerable to relationships.

So I've been by myself, without a partner for 10 years and without any close friends for 4 years. But I haven't developed a personality I can call my own, So I figure that I can't, if I tried to develop a personality now, I would just be doing what I've always done and make myself a personality based on how others behave towards me.

It's an issue that causes me anxiety and at times I go into a panic about it. But lately, I'm coming to accept that this is the way I am, and it's not going to change. But by accepting that, I'm starting to look at ways that I can live with it and manage it and even make it a positive.

Recently, in a conversation anthony said something like, that means you are healing. that somebody else believes that I'm healing has a positive effect in my belief that I'm healing, it almost feels like I'm allowed to see myself that way. So I figure that because of how other people effect me, I would need to be more selective about people I let in to my life, based on being aware of how that person influences me.

Just wondered what others thought on this?.

 

[ghotiff]

So I figure that because of how other people effect me, I would need to be more selective about people I let in to my life, based on being aware of how that person influences me

Absolutely. I think this is a great realisation.

Your thread is so timely for me as I have been thinking about a similar thing.

I was looking into art therapy and read a paper on indicators of abuse in childhood drawings. Some were quite obvious, but some were more subtle. The sledgehammer moment though was the one about the doorless house. Apparently within the 'normal' child population <1% of kids will draw a house without a door. This struck me because I remember as a child of about 7yrs, drawing a house without a door and I remember being mocked and laughed at for it. At that moment, I learnt to only draw what, (and how) other kids drew. That is currently my earliest memory of imitating others and consciously changing my behaviour to what was 'expected' in order to hide my abuse.

In some ways doing this has allowed me to be high functioning. I can fake it. I look to others for clues on what is expected, and I act accordingly. But this means that I don't behave as 'me', I behave as I am expected to behave. It also leaves me vulnerable to those around me.

I have been doing this for so long that I don't know who "I" am....and I have recently started to want to find myself.

 

[Meadowsweet]

This struck me because I remember as a child of about 7yrs, drawing a house without a door and I remember being mocked and laughed at for it. At that moment, I learnt to only draw what, (and how) other kids drew. That is currently my earliest memory of imitating others and consciously changing my behaviour to what was 'expected' in order to hide my abuse.

Yes, when I discussed this in therapy, we spoke about the way people were around me - my mother was very dismissive, and my father believed that his opinion was how it was, so thoughts, feelings, opinions and even down to small preferences like taste in food or what I find fun and what I don't, were corrected in a negative way and I wasn't allowed to make choices. My therapist summed it up that I wasn't allowed to develop a sense of myself, but I also lack basic skills like decision making or awareness of preference.

Ironically, when I went round with the 'wrong' friends, my fathers biggest criticism was that I was just a follower and didn't have the guts to say no. And at the time I believed that the 'wrong' kind of friends were enabling me to find myself, because I was escaping his control and being everything he said I shouldn't - but it was a bit like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

 

[ghotiff]

My T suggested (today) that my mother wanted a picture perfect family and this was in part why she was in denial about my abuse. I have yet to work out how true that is, but it definitely has some truth.

My therapist summed it up that I wasn't allowed to develop a sense of myself, but I also lack basic skills like decision making or awareness of preference

This seems really familiar to the discussions in the thread on taking it easy. Do you know how to move out of this. I don't know how to be more aware. I'm hoping my 'at home art therapy' project might help....I'm trying to draw things just for me and not criticise, control or judge them. It is so hard to do.

 

[Hashi]

I'm a little confused about whether you're saying that seeing yourself through others' eyes is enough, or that it's all there can be?

I've found it very helpful to understand my identity by doing work on values. Do the following resonate with me if I see them in a list: competitive, ambitious, compassionate, giving? No. But if I look at a list of values and see things like "justice, integrity, creative expression" I feel a connection to those things. At first it often wasn't necessarily a feeling, but more drawing up a timeline and looking for patterns (for "justice" I saw the games I used to play when I was little, being a student representative at college, being a union representative at work and so on). It was also what other people say about me. "You're always........" is a pretty big clue.

I've also done a lot of work with archetypes - basically, patterns - which has really helped. Even if archetype work doesn't appeal, as with lists of values a list of archetypes can help us identify ourselves with qualities that are relevant. (eg Link Removed)

I don't know about personality, but your character/nature/who you are isn't something you develop or are too late to develop. I believe you're still it, whatever the components of it are.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm not sure that a personality can be made after a certain age. But I'm doing good learning to make decisions and to recognise my own preferences. that comes through doing it, and dealing with how I feel.

When I first found myself in a position to make decisions, I'd say "lets do this" and it was great as long as everyone agreed, but when my kids would go "aww, i don't feel like that" it would throw me into a state of confusion and I would get quite upset about it. So now, I have a preference, but before making the decision, I go to the kids and say what do you feel about this. It has come to work well in our family.

But at work, I still have a tendency to go along with what my colleagues think. I do make suggestions, but ultimately I leave the decision making down to others. So, I think where adults are concerned, it's still a work in progress.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm a little confused about whether you're saying that seeing yourself through others' eyes is enough, or that it's all there can be?

I don't think it's really seeing myself through others eyes. I used to think that, but that was me thinking that I could mind read. I accept it now as the way that I respond to people. I think for me, it is better to accept that I do respond this way, than to keep trying to fight that and end up denying it. In this case I think knowledge is power - to be aware that I do respond that way enables me to keep working with it as it occurs, and recognise when that response is taking a negative spin, so I can do something about it.

What you say about values sounds interesting. I have tried this before, but it was all very much about what my values were now. So it was all very temporary and more related to what I thought in that particular moment. But what you seem to saying here is to look at whether there are any core values that I have had throughout life? That would make more sense.

I find the article on archetypes very anxiety inducing. I have done some work on the drama triangle of 'saviour - victim - bully,' and that has been hugely helpful in understanding my responses to others, as well as others responses to me. But, given my reaction to the archetype article, I'm not sure if I should push through and try to understand it, or listen to the feeling and leave it.

 

[ghotiff]

But, given my reaction to the archetype article, I'm not sure if I should push through and try to understand it, or listen to the feeling and leave it

@Meadowsweet ... I looked through the archetypes article and basically each archetype has description of its negative format, while its interesting I can tell its not good for me at the moment. My vote is that you should trust your gut and leave it for now.

 

[Hashi]

The concept is that every archetype has both a negative (shadow) and a positive (light) aspect, which is true of all aspects of ourselves. For example, someone who's very sociable has the potential to be warm and friendly, or overbearing. The idea is that suppressing the shadow is unhelpful. Staying mindful of its potential serves us better. But if it's not a helpful concept, of course just leave it.

Yes, I mean core values rather than what's happening at the moment. For example I can easily feel demolished by someone else's financial success. I need to remind myself that my core values don't even include being wealthy. (There would be nothing wrong if they did - people who are driven towards wealth can create jobs for others, support the economy, fund good causes etc). At a particular time, having more money can feel very important to me - that can be strong but it isn't a constant. It's the constants that I find useful to understand about myself. Without that I misunderstand my own motivations.

Working with core values was the way I came to understand I have an identity of my own. Feeling I have my own identity helped me to feel that I have a right to be myself.

On a small scale, that means that rather than make up excuses for not going to the pub with people from work, or going and hating it, I now feel that I can choose to simply say no, because I don't like going to pubs. On a bigger scale, it means that I'll never again take a great-paid job with a good pension scheme even though my heart is against it, and I won't worry about my choice because I know I'm being true to myself.

While I don't usually rate ideas like post-traumatic growth very much, I think this is one area where having had to work on healing has given me something that many other people don't seem to have. I think a lot of people risk acting against their core values because they're not aware enough of them, and could be storing up regrets for later.

 

[ghotiff]

But if it's not a helpful concept, of course just leave it.

Sorry if I came across as negative, it wasn't my intent. I think its really interesting and I think it would be quite helpful, but I just need to be at a better place first.

 

[Meadowsweet]

The concept is that every archetype has both a negative (shadow) and a positive (light) aspect, which is true of all aspects of ourselves. For example, someone who's very sociable has the potential to be warm and friendly, or overbearing.

the so called shadow side is something I'm familiar with, and I've found the understanding from that, somewhat helpful, but like everything, it has its shadow side.

I think what I found difficult with the archetypes was the boxing up of personality, my reaction was one of 'let me out of here' as I started to feel trapped. That perhaps relates to the fear I have of people dtermined to put me in a box and say 'you're this or that'. With the issues that I have, I feel danger at that.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can relate to this topic. I was never allowed to say no so it was also out of the frying pan and into the fire for so many years.

I have not really thought about this. I consider me, me as I am a work in progress. I have values and ethics. It has been a long time coming.

I am learning to slowly define myself I will do this or I will not do this. I do not know if this makes any sense.

I do not have the desperate need to explain myself to others, nor do I talk about the abuses in my life on a casual basis anymore.

It is nice to be understood when it happens, and yet I do not need it from strangers as I once did.

I have gone along with things following the crowd so to speak and I live with the consequences.

It has taken me a life time to get to this point.

Words can impact me still. I still have a hard time letting go of what does not concern me and is none of my business, nor my problems.

I am learning slowly to take my time in making decisions. Some of them are still impulsive and I have to go back and take better care of myself.

I hope this encourages you that you are have a personality and mabe need to reframe yourself in a better life based on your growth in the process of learning and growing.

I realized that I needed my mistakes in order to learn, so although I may feel bad for a time, I heal and learn and grow.

It all started for me when I chose to quit being so hard and mean to myself. Of course I need feedback and validation, but these are also things that I am learning to do on my own. Very slowly.

I continually catch myself with the critical spirit of myself and am trying to replace it with more positive thoughts.

I understand what you are describing.

As a child, all of my choices were made for me so I am somewhat crippled in that area and like I said it is a process of learning and growing.

We are left with the task to learn how to become self defining.

I think you are a wonderful, and bright, intelligent person. I always learn something from you. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You would be pleasantly surprised.