Being Easily Influenced

[Candleflames]

A few years ago I noticed that I pick up other peoples mannerism and expressions. I know myself, what I like, what I want, what my values are but how to express them has always been very confusing for me. I feel like I have a difficult time conveying my thoughts and emotions. My attempt to be understood has led me to express my genuine thoughts and feelings as if I am someone I admire. It's not working so well. I don't feel anymore understood than before.

Reading some of the initial posts as well as my epiphany a few years ago reminded me of the movie "White Oleander." Throughout the entire movie the girl is constantly changing to fit her environment. She gets shuffled around the foster care system and each time she moves she changes her hair, clothes, behaviors, mannerisms, and what she likes. It's kind of like watching a human chameleon. Eventually she finds herself and the core of her has been touched by each of these transformations.

I did this growing up. We moved around a lot and I often stayed with extended family and friends. I saw each move as a chance to "reinvent" myself. I ended up mimicking a great many people, all of which have helped me figure out what is near and dear to me. Those things stay. I'm still working on the hows of expression part.

It's taking me a bit longer because of the past that I have and for the first time, I'm ok with that. I'm thinking of it along the lines of how my children are learning and growing. They listen and mimic. First it was just my husband and I. Then there teachers became sources. Now friends hold an influence. We all bring something to the interaction and my kids can try out what something is before fully integrating it into their personality. the difference for them is they get that freedom to try and a loving place to fall if it is a disappointment. I didn't have that and I'm guessing neither did many of us in this section. So now we are rebuilding some of the foundation and it makes sense that we would need to repeat this process.

Influence can be good. Trying out new ways to be is good, too. It's a way to grow. We are aware enough to analyze ourselves and start to make decisions. Now as grown ups we should also be that soft loving place to fall and comfort ourselves when something we try doesn't work so well for us. Eventually we will understand ourselves better and be able to just be ourselves with some room for others to influence us through our reason. That way we can continue to grow throughout our lives.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @Candleflames that's a really helpful perspective.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, we all need to be aware of who we allow in our lives because we are all easily influenced. If a person is a great person, very fun intelligent and kind but they are constantly saying sorry all the time, then I am wary of spending too much time with them, specifically because I know how easily I can pick up behaviours and habits of the people around me. We repeat things, and words, sayings that others put out there, so it's important.

I like what candleflames said though. It helped me feel more ok about some of the ways in which I mimic others. Before I felt that I was strange for doing that.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Influence can be good. Trying out new ways to be is good, too. It's a way to grow. We are aware enough to analyze ourselves and start to make decisions. Now as grown ups we should also be that soft loving place to fall and comfort ourselves when something we try doesn't work so well for us. Eventually we will understand ourselves better and be able to just be ourselves with some room for others to influence us through our reason. That way we can continue to grow throughout our lives.

That is put absolutely perfect. I think I need to pin it to my wall and look at it often.

@Hashi , I have been trying to consider core values, and what I find is that the way I relate to values, all has a connection to abuse. This makes me think that they're not core values I'm coming up with, but what I've learned from abuse or from how I've been brought up. An example is that I'm very faithful and won't leave a friend in need - but that is because I know and fear the hurt of having no-one who cares, and feeling like no-one cares because I'm not perfect. So what I'm doing is really just projecting my own needs into my ethical values. That's not always a bad thing, but it'd not always healthy for me either.

Maybe I expect too much from an identity? But it doesn't feel like I'm being myself, or like I'm free, if my identity is wholly connected to abuse.

 

[Hashi]

Maybe a starting point would be values that aren't intrinsically to do with relating to other people?

For example, creativity, personal integrity, caring for the environment, intelligence, accomplishment, adventure, completion, contribution, calmness, cleanliness... you can see I started looking at an alphabetical list I found instantly by googling, and I'm curious if you have done the same, and if so whether you don't pick up on those that aren't about relationships?

I'd agree that a focus on relationships is probably coming from upbringing and abuse. The point is that you have an identity away from relationships with other people, not that your identity is defined by how you are with other people. It's also about your relationship with yourself.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Hashi , I looked up a list, and picked everything that realistically means something to me. Then I marked off the ones that are related to relationships and abuse. I was left with 'arts', 'nature' and 'quality of what I take part in'. The arts was on the list, but I'm not sure how that is a value?

The other thing I noticed was that three things on my list, may be positive values for others, but they relate to negative behaviours in me. An example being 'change and variety', I could say I'm a person who values change and variety, but it's probably more honest to say that I'm a person who finds it difficult to settle and gets anxious if I'm becoming attached. In a similar way, like you mentioned earlier, everything has its shadow, and when I look at a list of values I see the potential for good and harm in all of them. It makes me question the value of having fixed values, because what if they are harming us and we hold on because it's a value?

Then there is one that wasn't on the list I looked at, and although the value I place on it may be connected to what I didn't have in my upbringing, it is the value that I hold above anything else - that is nurturing and guiding children into their adulthood.

I am trying regarding values, but it is all very conflicted in me.

 

[Hashi]

I was left with 'arts', 'nature' and 'quality of what I take part in'.

Seems like a good start to me. What have you made of "nature" and "quality of what I take part in"? Have you been able to do anything with those?

The arts was on the list, but I'm not sure how that is a value?

Gosh, that's one of my most important ones! If you think of a value as something very important to you, then that would mean the arts are very important to you. Important to your well-being and sense of self. If you do things in line with that - listening to music, reading, seeing art, or producing art - "art" in a wide sense - then you'll be acting in line with your values and that will bring you some sense of support, peace, and fulfilment. A sense of "rightness" about how things are going (at least, that aspect).

The example you give of change and variety is a little confusing to me. I'm wondering how you're applying the idea of "finds it difficult to settle and gets anxious if becoming attached". I can only speculate because I don't know nearly enough, but I would have to wonder if this is history upsetting things, more than to do with core values.

Alternatively, I would wonder about your interpretation of change and variety. Is this something that you can see as a thread throughout your life? Do you frequently change your hair, your look, your acquaintances, your job, move house? If external reasons have prevented this, do you find yourself doing the next best thing? For example, do you keep rearranging your furniture between rooms, painting the walls different colours, researching other places to live and imagining a relocation?

One of the most helpful things for me in looking at core values has been drawing up timelines of my life in 7 year intervals (0-7 years old, 8-14 years old, 15-21 years old etc). If it's a core value, you will see it manifesting throughout these times, even if they were times of trauma and dissociation.

For example, creativity for me. At 0-7 years during my retreats to the garden I used to make "perfume" (ahem) from fallen flower petals, and I created miniature gardens out of gravel, moss etc. At 8-14 years, I was always decorating shop-bought stationery and then I started customising my clothes, buying them from charity shops and altering, dyeing and painting them. At 15-21 years I got really into films and music, started a small-scale local music/arts magazine which I photocopied at the library, wrote reviews of local bands etc.... and so on. I actually did more than this in each time period, but these are just examples of how I see creativity running through everything.

Working with values is all trial and error. Coming up with an idea then seeing if it stands up. Timelines really help.

Another way to explore that is to ask yourself questions, like "If this was taken away from me right now, would I feel liberated? neutral? a bit lost? very lost?" Who would I be without this? How much of a gap would it leave (if any)? How would it affect my feelings about the future?

It might be helpful to ask your children to say what they think your qualities/values are. One thing that helped me was that for a job application I had to say how my friends would describe me, so I asked my friends how they would describe me... it was very interesting! (They were kind.)

Also, without even asking people, thinking about how people often react to you or if they tend to say "You always....", "That's so you..." etc.

Then there is one that wasn't on the list I looked at, and although the value I place on it may be connected to what I didn't have in my upbringing, it is the value that I hold above anything else - that is nurturing and guiding children into their adulthood.

That sounds like a value to me. No list is exhaustive, I would expect there are some others out there that include things like "good parenting", "mentoring" etc.

I would humbly suggest that your value no2, no3 and so on would also be good to identify and cultivate. No-one wants all their values in one basket. :)

 

[Meadowsweet]

What have you made of "nature" and "quality of what I take part in"? Have you been able to do anything with those?

If you do things in line with that - listening to music, reading, seeing art, or producing art - "art" in a wide sense - then you'll be acting in line with your values and that will bring you some sense of support, peace, and fulfilment. A sense of "rightness" about how things are going (at least, that aspect).

Ok this makes more sense of how I'm meant to relate to values, and yes I do do this with the arts. In terms of the quality of what I take part in, that is a part of my life, perhaps so much so that i take it for granted and didn't recognise it. Nature is something that I don't enjoy like I used to. I used to go walking regularly, but I developed an anxiety about walking in the country, and I've gradually stopped going for walks regularly.

I would have to wonder if this is history upsetting things, more than to do with core values.

Alternatively, I would wonder about your interpretation of change and variety. Is this something that you can see as a thread throughout your life? Do you frequently change your hair, your look, your acquaintances, your job, move house? If external reasons have prevented this, do you find yourself doing the next best thing? For example, do you keep rearranging your furniture between rooms, painting the walls different colours, researching other places to live and imagining a relocation?

I find this hard to tell if its a core value or a response to history. I was influenced regarding who I am for as long as I remember, but for the first 12 years of my life, I lived in the same place and had grown up with people at school. Then I moved house from a big city to a country area, and the people at the new school had totally different attitudes and social rules and my city self didn't fit in. But with the changes I did manage to make, I felt embarrassed and like I was different to my city friends, they were quick to point out that I had lost my accent and was posh now. So I didn't keep up contact with my city friends, but found two friends that also didn't fit in that well at my new school. When we went off to college and found boyfriends, we lost touch.

Then I left home and moved to a new area, and I had two long term relationships (neither of them healthy), and my reaction was to always want to move. It was more circumstantial with my first partner, but I ran away from him by moving to a different area, and after a few months I'd feel unsettled and start looking to move again. We wouldn't just move house, we'd move to a whole new area, new jobs and everything.

Then when I split from him, my eldest was reaching school age, and that made a difference to moving house. So I got into self-improvement, and started trying to change myself from the inside, and I changed jobs and went to university. Then I moved house (after 10 years) to where I am now, I've been here just over a year, but I'm not settled, I regularly look for a move, but I'm more sensible and still have the childrens education to think of. But that desire to find something new still remains. I'm glad of the interesting life it has given me, so in that way it is a value. But it's also a fear response, being scared to settle.

Also, without even asking people, thinking about how people often react to you or if they tend to say "You always....", "That's so you..." etc.

This is the one that confuses my identity most, because it has been so contradictory over my life.

 

[J_trustno1]

Wow, I just have no words. You raised a very valuable but a difficult question. I used to do the same as you told me above and I still fall into that trap sometimes but not so easily now. I have become rebellious from the age of 8 and always do statistical analysis (i.e. pros and cons list) before agreeing to other peoples view. If something doesn't fit in with my beliefs I wouldn't follow it just because someone said it. I tend to do the opposite to what my abusers tell me (i.e. not conforming). But when I am most vulnerable (i.e. depressed and at the saddest + lowest point) in my life (i.e. last year), I believed in what people said and implemented on others views about me.

I believe that you can change your personality but it depends on taking a lot of precautions. I am still not that strong and I still have trouble telling people being good or bad, but still learning. Same thing goes for you. It'll take a lot of time and lots of practice but not impossible.

I don't know how well i answered this question but i wish you the best in achieving your goals.

 

[Hashi]

that desire to find something new still remains. I'm glad of the interesting life it has given me, so in that way it is a value. But it's also a fear response, being scared to settle.

I had two long term relationships (neither of them healthy), and my reaction was to always want to move.

I find this hard to tell if its a core value or a response to history.

Being honest, I have to say that these things and other things that you say don't make me feel that change is one of your core values. I say that because I know people who practically wear a badge saying "I like change" and it's different from what you describe. I think what you're talking about sounds like a natural desire for things to be better.

Nature is something that I don't enjoy like I used to. I used to go walking regularly, but I developed an anxiety about walking in the country, and I've gradually stopped going for walks regularly.

This might be a good example of where, despite the practical restrictions you're experiencing, the fact that nature is a core value can still be seen. You may not be walking in the country, but on a PTSD forum your username is "Meadowsweet" and your avatar is a picture of flowers. This is where I would think the core value might be coming through, whatever the circumstances.

One of my core values is adventure. Since getting PTSD, as you might imagine that has been severely curtailed. But it still emerges, even in the smallest of ways. The books I read, the films I like and so on. Core values will always win out one way or another, whatever the circumstances. That's why timelines are so valuable - if something is a core value, you will see it somehow in every time period you look at, even if it was only a longing - but a consistent one.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you for your honesty Hashi. What you say is making a lot of sense to me, and I am slightly comforted at that idea that although walking is difficult, the core value and associations are still in my life, just in a different way.

 

[Go Hungry]

This is a very interesting thread. I too have experienced alot of things wherein I'll just go along with the group I'm with. Ofcourse I try to surround myself with a diverse group anyways. But I do wonder about those core values you speak of. I often come off as a bland person to others I think, because I go out of the way not to be scrutinized by anyone. I think I learned to keep myself inside my head rather than outside, as anything I cared about or showed affection to would be ridiculed and often destroyed. So I just kept all my treasure hidden if I could. Though now that I think about it.. I did have my books at home. Though were precious to me, and I guess my brother found them boring enough not to do anything to them.

But I know I definitely avoided writing anything or making any art, or anything like that, because like I said.. It would be used against me. Now though, hidden in my room away from prying eyes, I have found ways to express more. I have a great love and fear of the sea, despite only having gone twice. My room is filled with nautical decor'.. I'm still somewhat afraid to let people see it, but I've gotten good reviews from those friends that have..

Really really good thread.. :)