Suicidal Thoughts

[xena21]

And if I was planning on following through, I probably wouldn't be talking about it.

Please know that if you go to the hospital it is the safest place for a suicidal patient, and if you are totally planning on going that is the place to be, but it can be traumatizing depending on where you go. Please look into the hospitals around you. I'm serious. If oyu really need to be helped and need to hospitalized it can be extremely traumatizing.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Leanne1
It took me a year to admit to my therapist that I felt suicidal. I told him on the way out of the session. Kind of a selfish thing to do. I gave him no time to talk about it.

Who knows why therapists say the things they do. Maybe yours sees this new info as something to build a fortress for you. It will be interesting to see what happens at you next session.

People who have PTSD are truly suffering beyond the pale. We endure attachment difficulties, trust issues, safety issues and not to mention the crushing mood that leads us to SI. It is mentally paralyzing and physically exhausting. We need relief from the cascade of symptoms and the racing thoughts that interfere with all aspects of our living. This can be accomplished without suicide.

You have begun the journey to healing by simply verbalizing your SI to your therapist. Oh, life can be so difficult to tolerate. Sometimes I just am be bopping along oblivious to my internal state and then Whack- I'm cut off at the knees. I swear I spend all my free time being hyper vigilant and planning escapes from imagined threats. I want to be normal so bad.

I hope you feel better from reaching out. Keep coming.

 

[Leanne1]

@KwanYingirl
Thank you for describing what it is like to have PTSD.

I told my husband for the first time a few weeks ago, and he didn't really respond. I don't know what I wanted. He seems to think its no big deal.

I tried explaining that it is a part of why my reactions seem out of proportion to what is happening, why I have nightmares and can't sleep, why I have anxiety, and am panicked sometimes etc.

He sees me struggle, but thinks its just quirky things about me.


I hide how much pain it causes me. On top of all of the abuse I experienced, I have had 5 spinal surgeries starting from when I was 12. I have a high tolerance for pain.

 

[Laura 2]

He sees me struggle, but thinks its just quirky things about me.

I think this is actually so common - for most supporters, something like PTSD is only found in the person they know, a 'personality' issue, difficulties intrinsic only to that one individual. There's minimal understanding of PTSD as a recognisable syndrome with features that are common to all sufferers. It's also complicated because usually supporters cannot see the cause of the injuries, there's usually very little physical evidence left of the originating trauma (unless you've been in an earthquake or in battle etc). So it's easy to overlook, mistake or dismiss in the singular.

And, Owwwww! Five spinal surgeries - poor you.:hug:

 

[KwanYingirl]

My friends get it. They support me and ask questions if they don't get something. My family is dismissive and have conveniently left me out of plans and functions. They are beyond useless.

 

[Leanne1]

@Laura 2
My name is laura also:)
(Leanne is my middle name. )

@KwanYingirl
My brother also has PTSD. Unfortunately he is on disability as a result and has a very hard time functioning and going out of his house. He has been in and out of the hospital.

My family has also started to shut him out, question his commitment to have his life work, etc.

I am left speechless, thinking "do they completely forget what happened to us!"

My dad who added the physical violence to the multiple abuses we experienced thinks he should " get his act together" and not be a victim.

One of my uncles started talking about his brother, my other uncle, to me, telling me about where he is living and how he is struggling to find a job. Again I listened in shock. This uncle he was talking about sexually abused me for 10 years. He knows that.

I know it is easier to pretend things didn't happen -first hand, but I wouldn't pretend something didn't happen to someone else if they were in pain. How twisted!!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Leanne1
That seems to be the dynamic of abuse based family units. I like to read textbooks written for therapists so I have some context about their profession. Sure is a lot of dysfunctional families. My mother gives me furniture and recently a gold ring that belonged to my step grandfather who brutally raped me for 8 years. And she knows. She has figurines of his that are sexualized females and it drives me crazy. I beg her to destroy them and she tells me I'm overreacting or that I'm too sensitive.

She protects my father and siblings that beat me too. I never left my children in her care. NEVER!!!

 

[Leanne1]

@KwanYingirl
I can sure relate to your families denial. That's so messed up!
Sorry you experience that as well.

It's a mixed bag: its comforting to know that someone can relate to me, and understands what I have been through, and then I feel sad to know that so many other people have been abused in these ways and the people who are supposed to love and protect us, let it happen, and then love and protect the people who hurt us.

Crazy world.

 

[KwanYingirl]

crazy, indeed...

 

[TeaLeaf]

Leanne1- I don't have any brilliant advice for you in terms of how to get help but I agree with what others said about continuing to talk about it with your therapist. If she doesn't seem to get it, look around for a different therapist who does. I struggle with suicidal thoughts from time to time to and I too feel comforted by the thoughts. It helps to come here and talk with others that struggle too and know how hopeless things can sometimes feel.

I can advise you from the other side, I took 4 months worth of my meds all at once, was unconscious for about 10 days, came to, to an angry nurse who insisted that I answer her question as to why I would do such a thing. I was too out of it to reply, so she went on to a lecture about how pretty I was, how much of my life I had left to me and said that life was very valuable and not to waste it (or words to that effect).

SheilaKathy- I am so sorry this nurse treated you like this, that is truly awful and she clearly doesn't understand suicide and why some people attempt. I am a nurse myself and on behalf of the profession, I would like to apologize for her judgmental and invalidating words.

Half of adults will seriously consider suicide at some point in their lives.

It's good to remember this, sometimes I feel so alone in this when I am having suicidal thoughts.

People who have PTSD are truly suffering beyond the pale. We endure attachment difficulties, trust issues, safety issues and not to mention the crushing mood that leads us to SI. It is mentally paralyzing and physically exhausting. We need relief from the cascade of symptoms and the racing thoughts that interfere with all aspects of our living.

Very well said, this is exactly what it is like for me too.

My dad who added the physical violence to the multiple abuses we experienced thinks he should " get his act together" and not be a victim.

The must be the mantra of dysfunctional families, to blame someone who was victimized and tell them to get their act together. If only it were so simple.

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks, @TeaLeaf, I appreciate your apology. I know she was the unusual nurse, not the every day nurse, but I sure was confused when I awoke to that, believe me! None the less, because of her irate attitude and that of my therapist too, although the therapist's was more subdued, not to mention folks who knew what I'd done, like my boyfriend who had found me (but was also a large portion of the reason I attempted) I would not try it again. Instead, I dumped the boyfriend and I felt and still feel tons of relief. It has been about 10 years since then now, so maybe I am ready for another boyfriend, if only one would appear! (I am 59, so I am not sure if it is likely). I am not the kind to pursue a man. So I am waiting....