Best Friend

[richie80]

So my best friend is a guy. At first his wife did not like me talking to him. She thought I was trying to steal him from her but now she seems to understand we are friends and that is that. He has never been through anything that I have been through but he seems to listen and understand when I am not doing good. I have never felt so comfortable around anyone like I do around him. I message him all day except for when he gets home after work for about 4 hours or so till he gets online. That is the longest 4 hours. I absolutely hate it.

I am so lost. I really love being friends with him but I think I am falling for him. I had a bad reaction to a new medication and ended up in the hospital and he nearly flipped out not knowing what was going on. He gets really worried if I don't message him. He lives 12 hours away and he wants me to move closer. But my day gets worse when I can't talk to him. My PTSD seems to be less severe when I talk to him but when I can't it gets worse. I have never felt so comfortable around anyone or talking to anyone like I do him.

I don't know what to do. I am supposed to go visit him in a month but am so scared. What should I do?

 

[nursenurse]

His wife has every right to be worried. You have only one choice, if you want to do the honourable and right thing. Let him go. You need to find someone else to talk to. Like a therapist who will explore why you continue to go after a married man. He is off limits. You need to be responsible for your actions. Drop him like a hot potato, no communication, nada.

Put yourself in her position. How would you feel if your guy had a girl that talked to him all day at work and again at night? Then again, he is not without fault, he is either too nice or too stupid to lay out a boundary. Back off. Now. And stop hiding behind your PTSD to justify yours and his behaviours.

 

[RussH]

richie, I know how difficult it is to find close friends that you can feel comfortable with and trust. It is very hard, and when you find one you want to hold on to them. I understand that, however in this situation I think you are playing with fire. As you said he is married, and you think you are falling for him, all I see in this is heartache. It will either be heartache for you (most likely) or for his wife. And I don't think you want to have either one happen.

You should try to make some friends closer to where you are at. It does not mean giving up your friendship with him completely, just toning it down to a safe level. Please whatever you do, don't get hurt.

 

[richie80]

We have never talked about anything that would be "inappropriate". In fact there would not be a problem with anyone reading our messages. She and I talk a lot just not as much as I talk to him. He and I have a lot in common, but he doesnt have much in common with his wife. I think my feelings for him are just because I have never had anyone care about him like he does. Most people would call him an ass because he doesnt care about most people.

 

[Friday]

It doesn't matter if you're friends with her, or not.

You're not falling for HER.

You're falling for her husband.

And if you have any doubt how destructive adultery is in a marriage... Go over to survivinginfidelity and read the unbridled pain, misery, and destruction such a betrayal causes. Including flashbacks, suicidal depression, anxiety, self loathing, destroyed hopes & dreams, altered personality, substance abuse, etc. Yeah. Infidelity is a common cause of PTSD. And other things even worse.

So if you care about either if them at all... Back down.
Be as good a friend to him as he has been to you... By not putting him and his wife through hell.

You have the power to stop this.

 

[nursenurse]

It does mean giving up in my opinion, the boundary has been crossed already. You have no business whatsoever in their relationship. His wife may have been convinced by him as well that you two are just friends. Exactly when do you talk to her when you already said that you talk to him at his work all day, then he gets to spend 4 hours at home before you guys are communicating yet again?

Neither of you is innocent, but if you choose to go farther, know that you are doing it by choice, not because of PTSD, you are choosing to be the other woman, at least emotionally, for now. That is just plain wrong. PTSD or not, you need to grow a backbone and salvage your decency. He is just as guilty, but you are the one here, so you already know there is a problem. And you seem to be looking for someone to tell you it is okay. It isn't. It is never justifiable, especially when you acknowledge what is happening. Stop it now before you help the train wreck to happen. You are betraying her, whom you claim is a friend. Get real. You both have pulled the wool over her eyes. And it needs to stop.

 

[richie80]

So your basically saying that men and women can't be friends?

 

[mrsps]

I know where you are coming from, when you form an attachment for someone. Unfortunately it is with a married man. You need to put yourself in the wife's shoes and how would you feel if another female was having so much communication with your husband.
I wonder if you are actually falling in love with him or if it is just because he spends so much time communicating with you and cares that your feelings are mixed up. Whatever the case it isn't really fair on his wife.

Is there someone else who you can talk to? Are you seeing a T as they would be able to go through these intense feelings you have for this man and work out the reasons behind the strong attachment.
I am guessing you are looking for someone to care and love you and make you feel safe, sadly a married man isn't the right person.
Take care x

 

[Friday]

Of course men & women can be friends.

So can lesbians be friends with women, and gay guys friends with men, and bi-folk friends with people. But there is a line that gets crossed once one or both becomes sexually attracted or romantically attached. Then it's more than friends. Line crossed.

Think of it like going to the bank.
I can go to the bank and take out money & it's fine.
But if I go to the bank and rob it, I'm taking money that isn't mine. Not fine.

Or an art museum.
I can look to my heart's content.
But I don't then try to take the paintings home with me!

In all these incidents there is respectful & acceptable behavior, and crossing the line disrespectful unacceptable behavior. Know the line. Don't cross it*. And, yes. People can be friends.

* Clearly, single people cross it all the time / that's how dating works.
But be the line a marriage, or a boss/employee, or a vulnerable population/ rational adult... There is a duty of care on one or both sides not to take advantage or to honor & respect. Boundaries.

 

[nursenurse]

The boundaries have been crossed. You have said you are developing feelings for him, you in your own words said you talk to him all day and then for quite a bit of time after work. You are more than friends. I am not sure what part of wrong you don't understand here, but a) you have no right to bother anyone at work all day, and b) you also cannot monopolize his time at home. Four hours to devote to his wife? How generous. You said most people consider him to be an ass. I can see why. You are helping him live up to his reputation, and you are sullying your own.

Find a therapist. You need to build up your own self esteem without the help of someone else's mate. Whatever trauma you have suffered, believe me, I am so very sorry. Find your therapy with appropriate sources, and look at this relationship without the Rose coloured glasses. It may feel like he is the only one who gets you, but that is because you allowed it, and for reasons that are highly likely not really, truly related to PTSD.

 

[richie80]

I do not believe any line was crossed. I think you are just being totally uncalled for and rude. Just because we are good friends doesnt mean anything. Yes I think I have feels for him but not in a sexual way more of a caring big brother type fashion. Like mrsps said someone to make me feel safe and that is what he does.

 

[Friday]

I am so lost. I really love being friends with him but I think I am falling for him. I had a bad reaction to a new medication and ended up in the hospital and he nearly flipped out not knowing what was going on. He gets really worried if I don't message him. He lives 12 hours away and he wants me to move closer. But my day gets worse when I can't talk to him. My PTSD seems to be less severe when I talk to him but when I can't it gets worse. I have never felt so comfortable around anyone or talking to anyone like I do him.

I don't know what to do. I am supposed to go visit him in a month but am so scared. What should I do?

1) Be very very careful about rationalizing & justifying to avoid having to do something you don't want to (aka lay clear boundaries and abide by them).

2) My PTSD symptomology all but disappears when I'm having sex with a different gorgeous guy every night, and drinking, dancing, partying, & generally living wild. Ahem. Except
- That's freaking unhealthy & dangerous
- That's actually a huge part of my PTSD expressing itself. Not just the chemical craving of sex (that can be had in a healthy relationship) but the illusion control, failure to make lasting connections with people, high adrenaline high risk behavior, et cetera.

= Just because it feels good... Whether it's an enmeshed relationship with bad boundaries, casual sex with strangers, fist fights, drinking, drugs, cheesecake with every meal, never leaving the house, etc. doesn't mean it's good for us. And, unfortunately, is often a symptom in and of itself.