Do You Have Adult Children That Understand Your Ptsd?

[Recovery4Me]

I was wondering if anyone had adult children that understood your PTSD?

As research is still ongoing, when I raised mine there was little out there and much time for misunderstanding and my mistakes. We have a good enough relationship: I am grateful that we love each other dearly. But there is something in the connect that allows him to view me as damaged. Therefore his opinion to him is healthy and there is no discussing it with me (in his opinion) because (in his opinion) it escalates. If someone sees you as damaged goods, it is hard to be treated as an equal.

But I wondered if anyone would share what helped them to bridge the divide between our children recalling our perhaps scarey appearances during flashbacks, trauma and understanding something besides "my parent is different"?

Thanks, I know I may be a little older here than most...just thought I give it a whirl for support as well as additional insight for resolution.

 

[desiderata310]

Maybe not exactly what you are talking about but I wanted to share. I have only been dx for about 6 months but have been suffering with this for decades. My kids all looked down on me when I would get "worked up" when they were younger so I hid- very effectively- how I felt.

I'm in a funny place at the moment: my oldest son is an adult and was recently diagnosed with PTSD after a suicide attempt a couple of months ago. We haven't had extensive conversations about it but I have been able to talk to him about his symptoms and tell him that I TOTALLY understand the WHY's and HOW's. (we both suffer because of the same person)
My daughter has panic attacks.

I'll get random text messages:
Son: so mom, have you ever felt suicidal?
ME:Yes. I even attempted and was hospitalized.
S: REALLY? When?
ME:When you were little. You wouldn't remember.
S: do you still feel like that sometimes?
ME: yes, I try to make sure I reach out to someone and talk about it. It passes. Are you like that right now? Honest?
S: a little but I don't have a plan or anything
ME: keep talking. It's ok. I promise. I get it.


Daughter:Mom, I feel like... and I can't stop it.
ME: You're triggered right now. It's a panic attack. I get it. I need you to try this:... it helps.
<later>
D:That helped. How did you know?
ME:Because I've gone through it. I get it.
D:YOU have anxiety attacks?
ME:Have for a long time but only recently figured out how to deal with them.

BEFORE their stuff started showing up, I was crazy (their dad's words) and weak. And I just needed to get OVER it GEEZE mom! (with eye roll) And I think there was a lot of embarrassment. My son and I have had conversations about this being a medical condition like having cancer. It's NOT shameful- it just feels that way.

What I have shared is not so much the specifics but the basics of what PTSD are. That it isn't something I want to feel. I am able to share something that we all lived through (their step dad) and point to it and say THIS is where most of this comes from. And they can on some level understand because they are not unscathed from the experience.

I don't know if that helps or not.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Thank you, so much for your open share ( I offer with honest tears).

I need to digest some things but I would like to talk with you further on this thread when I regroup and if you feel led. This is a familiar tone and I am grateful for your consideration. :hug:

 

[desiderata310]

I'd be happy to or you can message me. I'm no expert. Just happen to be in a unique place at the moment.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My son aged 32 and my daughter aged 30 know my diagnosis. They have witnessed me dissociative, anxious, having cut my arms to pieces. I straight out told them my trauma history. They hugged me and cried with me and then left me.

I see them occasionally. I helped them find their colleges. I took extra work to help them. They hardly visit and don't answer my texts.

When I had a recent meltdown over getting my house ready to sell, I called my daughter and asked her if she could help me clean. You see I use only white vinegar and Seventh a Generation products to clean. The kitchen really needed an ammonia bath. She was happy to come and worked her butt off to get a lot finished.

My son came also and he and Kelsey's boyfriend moved unwanted furniture to the curb and did yard work.

 

[silkleaves]

My daughter is not yet an adult, only 17 right now.... but she has known me to be the way I am her entire life, only difference is the past few years it escalated. She doesn't see me as damaged, but I think the biggest reason for that is this is all she knows of me, so it's normal. Now that she's older, she knows it's not normal...but at the same time, she does see how hard it is on me and how hard I try to keep myself together.

I feel a lot of guilt, especially after I have one of my moments when I'm all worked up and a bit out of control...but like I said, she's used to it. I still recall back when she was 3 or 4 years old, telling me its going to be okay and she loves me, when I've been on the couch for days or can't move or crying or just overall can't function. Sometimes she would just sit down right on me when I was buried under the couch... And she still does it now...except the sit on me part :)

But yeah, I hope this does not change as she gets older...I mean the part about being compassionate. I also hope that we will be able to still remain close, that as she really goes out into the world, doesn't become embarrassed about me, as in, doesn't want to bring a guy home in case I'm being weird and embarrass her, or end up being a burden because I need to talk to or see her too much. So I guess anything can change, anything can happen.

I don't want my meltdowns to affect her and her quality of life though, so the likely scenario is I will eventually push her away so that she doesn't have to deal with me. Which isn't ideal..I hope she doesn't let me do that and remains supportive.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I'm no expert

:hug:

(jmho) Who really can offer more than familiarity or personal experience? There was an 100 percent confidence by experts that the world was flat, that everything revolved around the earth, that PTSD was an anxiety disorder (one of my favorites). For me, this understanding that in time experts change their opinions, allows me the grace of community and grateful for the shares by those whom have walked the path. After all, this is the front line. lol

So to me...you are valuable. Thank you for the offer.

They hardly visit and don't answer my texts

You seem to have by your post above a loving support team/children for the bigger things(?) for lack of a better word. Awesome (hugs). You are blessed but I hear your ache and resonate.

That is kind of what I am wrestling within the theory of family communication as it relates to our variables or the effects of PTSD+ ect. I am having trouble sorting out the 'normal" schema within my ache. But it does seem to me...that I have been labeled and somewhat stigmatized as 'to avoid' if I desire authentic communication with my son.

I offered to go to mutual therapy (I have placed him in therapy on and off throughout the years in penitence & concern for the divorce, family unit structure breaking, the bias of his father's side to native american ideas ect) but he didn't want to go as the therapist knew him and he stated,"H3ll, no." His friendship with the therapist was too important. I dunno...made me sad: I thought he would feel safer as he respected her.

He didn't engage the subject with me on anyone else (therapist) and has now, disconnected in calls and through E-mails. I honestly can let go wanting more than being viewed as an defective loving Mom. Yet somehow, I had hoped to be heard someday, as to how I came to be on this road, and treated with equal respect for my mind as others.

I do not know if this makes sense, as I am a tad emotional today, but I am trying. So ask if it is too something or other.:rolleyes: Thanks for any feed back.

(SilkLeaves)- just saw your message thank you dearheart! (hugs)[DOUBLEPOST=1403634784,1403634546][/DOUBLEPOST]

But yeah, I hope this does not change as she gets older...I mean the part about being compassionate. I also hope that we will be able to still remain close, that as she really goes out into the world, doesn't become embarrassed about me

:hug: I can so relate to that fear.

 

[Jezanna]

I have three daughters . Two are young adults . My middle child has OCD and generalized anxiety disorder and since she. Is still at home we talk openly about the anxiety component. It's been a Segway into her feeling able to ask more pointed questions about my "zoning out" episodes. Id like to think I give more support than I get as I never want them to think its their job to fix me. That's what I'm paying my two therapist and a pdoc for. It's a delicate dance. To be supportive and to allow my kids to offer support.

 

[Recovery4Me]

It's a delicate dance. To be supportive and to allow my kids to offer support.

Thank you so much Jezanna and everyone. I am learning so much, feel such hope to read your offers and understand that I am not alone in this area. Such relief to share the vast strength within this community. I am humbled from my ignorance into a shared experience of loving parents and dedicated women. My heart thanks you sincerely.

 

[desiderata310]

@Jezanna I try to hide it as much as possible. The son currently with me at home sees MORE than his siblings but doesn't understand the extent.

I went home early yesterday with a trigger I couldn't work through to take an Ativan to get relief. He asked WHY I was home early. I said I didn't feel well but didn't go into detail and then proceeded to sleep the rest of the afternoon away which worried him.

He KNOWS I am in therapy but we don't talk about it that much except. He is aware that I am working through things and that I take SOMETHING to help me sleep (and that once I go to bed it's better to leave me along since I have a expiration date and after that there is not telling what will come out of my mouth)

He offers support but I am careful to keep what I NEED private. I don't want him to see me in full out panic mode if I can help it. I usually will go hide till it passes. I am still terribly embarrassed for them to see me like that. I've gotten nowhere near the ability to negotiate that delicate dance as well as I would like.

 

[Recovery4Me]

My son doesn't appear at this time to want to know more as it was painful to him. I didn't know what I had (insofar as PTSD) even with therapy at the times, to keep more than my secrets of my past quiet from my son. As he was growing, I am sure he saw the whole gamut although I did really try to protect him from my repeating any of my learned parenting patterns that were "bad".

I went to therapy for several years to try to undo my Family of Origin patterns and did not transfer the physical abuse down line and was careful on boundaries for his body. So I stopped many of the patterns learned, but I was not taught on PTSD and its components such as flashbacks or the effects of trauma.

Desiderata310...did they (therapist) teach you back then about flashbacks?

 

[littlelostchild]

I hope you don't mind me joining the conversation.
My daughter who is in her mid-twenties, knows about my abuse history and PTSD. I got drunk one night just over a year ago and spilled it out to her. She was lovely about her reaction and has been supportive since I got really ill over two years ago. She knows that memories are upsetting for me, but not as much about flashbacks and dissociation. My son, on the other hand, knows very little about the details. He knows the diagnosis and that I have not been well, but does not know the abuse history. He is older than his sister and married. Perhaps it is because I don't want to change the way he thinks of his grandfather (my primary abuser). He is still a sweetie who is there when I need him.

I stopped the cycle of abuse, but one day my husband thought it would be funny to have our son hide in the dark basement and jump out to surprise me. I have no memory of this incident - evidently, I freaked out and ran crying, locking myself in our bathroom. I wonder about how that experience impacted my son.

I think every child is going to be different in their capacity and reaction.

On the other hand, my mother doesn't bother with me. I have always played the adult role and I've decided that I have had enough - it's her turn if she wants a relationship. I would never give up on my kid and she never put in any effort.

Recovery4Me, it sounds like you have stopped the cycle too, and as you continue to communicate he will be able to see your strength more and more, not that you are damaged. The challenges that you have overcome have left you with strength - scars mean survival, not damage.