Anger, Desire For Revenge, Family And More

[purgemeofthepain]

I just had to come here and vent. I'm feeling SO much anger at everyone right now. I'm back to listening to angry music (something I hadn't done in a long time, specially with this band (Korn)) and blaming everyone for my misfortune, pain and everything else that happens to me, even the things they are indirectly responsible for.

I've been realizing that I am still VERY angry with my dad for the way he abused me as a child. He made me feel worthless, stupid, small, he hit me, etc and now my own inner voice sounds exactly like that and keeps belittling me and judging me and making me feel like utter sh1t.

I think I hate my dad deep down but he still scares me so I can't let those feelings surface or show. I try to pretend to myself and my family that I understand why he did those things to me and didn't love me when I most needed it, but deep down I feel I'm just faking this acceptance and I truly despise him.

Part of me must love him or at least wish he loved me a little bit tho, cause when I imagine him dying or being hurt, I don't know...I don't think it feels too good either. But I can't be sure, it might only be my fear not letting me enjoy my vengeful thoughts.

Do any of you have such HATE and anger and violent thoughts inside? I'm sure you all hate your attackers and abusers, but does this hate poison you like it does me? I can't help but to feel threatened and persecuted by absolutely EVERYONE around me. I can't even look at my own reflection without feeling anger, hate, disgust and all kinds of negative feelings. That of course is when I don't feel I'm God's gift to mankind and consume myself into a narcissistic stupor.

Gawd I'm so f*cked up. I can sound clear headed and reasonable most times but that's just a front I put forth cause deep down I'm a damn mess.

I can't help but to want revenge for all the shit I've been put through. I'd appreciate any feedback or thoughts. Thanks everyone.

 

[desiderata310]

I had zero feelings towards my dad as I watched him die of cancer and none when he passed away. I was almost chipper at his funeral.

I can't say that it is better.

It was just were I happened to be at that time

 

[KwanYingirl]

My anger is the usual feminist rage against a white male supremacy that keeps women barefoot and pregnant and the children uneducated.

 

[purgemeofthepain]

I had zero feelings towards my dad as I watched him die of cancer and none when he passed away. I was almost chipper at his funeral.
I can't say that it is better.
It was just were I happened to be at that time

My dad has arthritis and he can't walk normally and is severely deformed in his feet, legs and hands. I have to give him his food every night and I feel like spitting in his drinks sometimes but I never do. I DO passively attack him by not giving him "exactly" what he wants...so brave of me huh?

The thing is that I depend completely on my parents for everything, so I can't even show my anger at them. My mom is alright but I've realized I also hold anger at her for never protecting me from my dad's abuse. They try to help me now and they give me everything I need and more, but I still can't feel a connection to them (or anyone) and the love a son is supposed to feel for his parents must be buried DEEP within me cause I can rarely get in touch with it. I'm just numb, dead, gone. I can't trust anyone, not even them.

My anger is the usual feminist rage against a white male supremacy that keeps women barefoot and pregnant and the children uneducated.

I don't blame you one bit on that one. Women have it hard in this society and even with all the progress we've supposedly made in women's rights and equality, there's still a lot of unfairness and awful things happening that should have been eradicated by now.

 

[Dana1010]

I'm overwhelmed by rage when I think of a particular incident which is so bad sometimes it will intrude on me in the middle of work or a conversation, and whoever is around might notice and say, "Is something wrong?" Something's wrong alright. I've tried everything--new age-y forgiveness meditation, insulting him in my mind to make myself feel better, fantasies of physical violence (I obviously don't condone this in real life), trying to replace the memory. Nothing works. No matter how many good memories of people who admired me or liked me, etc. I call to mind, none of them can cancel out his rotten face and the rotten memory. That's what makes me think that trauma must really be physiologically lodged inside us and no work on the mind alone can heal it. So I'm looking into somatic therapy more and more.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that your anger is completely understandable. I don't know what your exact situation is, but are you able to move out of the family home and away from your parents? I think this will be a crucial step in your healing, and I don't think it is really possible to heal while in the constant presence of your abuser.

 

[Dana1010]

My anger is the usual feminist rage against a white male supremacy that keeps women barefoot and pregnant and the children uneducated.

I sort of take issue with this. I don't think males have any conspiracy going currently to keep women "barefoot and pregnant." Have you seen how often couples split the check now? If anything men these days want to evade the provider role for as long as possible and most of them don't want kids so the pregnant part is certainly out, though I don't know about barefoot. As for keeping the children uneducated, I really don't know how to address that.

Respectfully,

Dana1010 (a woman)

 

[KwanYingirl]

No offense taken!

 

[pamcoco]

purgemeofthepain, I believe is anger is good. I embrace it, as it is a messenger that places me in danger when suppressed. You should be angry!

Speaking of, I must agree with KwanYingirl.

Respectfully, Dana1010, perhaps the sentiments of "barefoot, pregnant in the kitchen" is a metaphor.

Keep in mind; in the US alone, statistically, every hour 73 women are raped. Only 1 in 50 offenders is female and 65% of arrests for forcible rape is of white males.

I am the victim of multiple assaults, all by educated white males. My life is in the toilet while they continue to prosper and offend.

 

[cherryblossom]

Keep in mind; in the US alone, statistically, every hour 73 women are raped. Only 1 in 50 offenders is female and 65% of arrests for forcible rape is of white males.

While I'm not disbelieving you, I think it's a little dangerous to quote 'statistics', without giving reference to a source, and a reliable one at that. Perhaps you could provide the source for your statistics. Thanks.

I'm also interested in

65% of arrests for forcible rape is of white males.

Do you have any statistics for convictions, rather than just arrests?

 

[Go Hungry]

I certainly feel hate towards my brother. It used to be so bad that talking with him on the phone sent me into a downward spiral that lasted a week. I tried everything I could think of, try to establish a new relationship with him so that I could think about that instead of the past. And I kinda sorta have, but it doesn't work all the time. I don't think it can until he apologizes for being a monster, but the honest truth is that he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He only thinks of the times I would arm myself in order to scare him off. He once said that he would never tell anyone what I did to him. This from a guy who saw me as a punching bag for 7 years... He truly believes that violence is fine unless it's happening to him. I hate his damn guts.

Between that and what others did to me as a kid, I spent many years as a total misanthrope. I wanted the world to burn, the whole of humanity destroyed so this planet could go back to the way it used to be. So God could never damn another person to the Walking Hell that is life.

Oh boy.. Segued into an alt for a second there. Anyways.. yes. It very much poisoned me against the world. I used to have a terrible habit of processing every word that came out of a persons mouth to determine exactly how they were lying. I was insufferable as a teenager, finishing people sentences for them in the worst way possible.. Just a real dickhead, now that I think abou tit. I got better once I hit my fantastic bipolar stretch as a teenager. Then the world was a place of magic and dreams. Kinda like you said, God's gift to the earth. Hah!

But you're not alone at all in this respect. And the world isn't really out to get you. The truth is that most people have their heads so far of their own asses that they barely spare a thought to anything or anyone else, including you and me. That realization, that I matter so little to other people that they don't even remember the stuff that I obsess about, kinda became a positive thing. Like, I'm the only one who knows or cares about how badly I embarrassed myself at a certain concert 10 years ago; everyone else has moved on. Now if only I could move on too. :(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Vent away. Hate can poison you and I was in hatred for so many years of my life.

I focused on my healing and recovery, moved and made a fresh start and am more mellow now.

But honestly when my dad died of cancer, I had cut him out of my life for so many years, I felt relieved that he would not be able to hurt anyone ever again. I hated him for so many years and had revenge fantasies like putting child molester painted on his garage door. He used to beat us ritually almost every day and he was a sadist and rather enjoyed his abuse of us, especially me.

He once told me if he had it to do over, he would do the same things. Bastard.

He was a real creep so I think you are probably where you need to be right now and you will learn and grow and eventually you will find peace somewhere inside of yourself for you and what you suffered and endured and keep on working on your healing and recovery.

Great thread, thank you.