Revenge

[The Albatross]

When you've been spinning revenge fantasy, what has escaped your attention? If I'm looking backwards, I'm not paying attention to "now" or the future. Lots of good responses here.

 

[Whirlwind]

Has anybody taken revenge?. Does in take away the pain or make it easier to bear?

I did. My sordid backstory was my career finale. I was successful, worked very hard to get to where I was. My career was my purpose in life. I loved it.

Annnd someone powerful in my world took a liking to me after knowing him for 15 yrs. I never saw it coming, he was much older. He went after me with a vengeance. It was an ordeal for 3 yrs.

I still remember the moment where I realized my career just ended. He had this look of such intense hatred for me...this person who I had known on a professional pleasant level at best. I actually liked him, thought he was smart. I felt out of body as listening to him threaten me.

At that moment I decided I was going down with the ship and might as well take him with me.

I burned my city to the ground so to speak. I was truly vengeful. Heads rolled. I'm smart, screwing with me is not for the faint of heart. I imagined I would be exonerated, rise from the ashes in my ethical glory.

I got my revenge. I actually did the right thing by reporting it.

And it meant squat.

It didn't change that during all of the deposition I learned that other professionals I considered friends helped him behind the scenes by destroying records. I suppose they felt they should side with the guy that had their career. Many others supported me...quietly over the phone. Interview where they commended what I did but well, they would love to hire me but not just right "now". Let the "dust settle and we'll talk again". Again meant they were too busy to meet with me after the dust did settle.

and not a single person would meet me for a beer and talk....but after it was all done they would...for now they didn't want to be seen with me in public over fear of perceived retribution. My personal friends...I was left with 2 and it was honestly like...they knew it was what happened but it made people uncomfortable.

The things that people said about me...as a single woman were heartbreaking. I was vilified. It brings tears to my eyes even remembering it. I was assigned such shame. No one knowing me would ever say I was unethical, I was the opposite. But now I was the whore who took down the poor married special person. He was frowned upon but no one called him a slut, ya know? I never touched the guy. I never hugged him, I just have no words for it all.

So yup, I got my revenge. He and some others got forced retirement. Woo-hoo.

Before it all, I could have gotten a job anywhere. After? Nope. My training, experience, education....... wasted, utterly wasted. It took everything to get to my profession, it is a miracle I even made it and then I made it against the odds. I was so proud of that.

I lost financially, my reputation, friends, colleagues and my profession. They took a minor hit by comparison.

And this was winning. Big payout is a joke, rarely happens. I was right, I proved it. Doesn't matter.

Bad things happened. It is beyond unfair and I can make a room cry when I tell my whole story. I even got my "revenge" and it meant nothing.

And it got even better because I was so distraught, so disillusioned I do feel that is how Mr. Wonderful got by my radar. And things got even worse. Still blows my mind. If this person hadn't been assigned to my hospital I would have had a different life.

Now that can mess with your mind. I still can't put an LOL there. I wish I could laugh some of it off today but I can't.

I was so naive back then, my revenge was a joke. I can't even remember how I felt when I "won" because I never did. I lost everything and my preoccupation led me down an even darker path.

Had someone suggested my future to me at the time I would have laughed in their face and told them to piss off with that stupidity.

-W

 

[Survivor3]

The best revenge is good living. Put those people out of your mind and life. Revenge how you described it with your plan and motivation will just cause you more pain and hardship. Letting them win again. Move on.

 

[WarOfRoses]

Thank you everyone. You are all kind souls and remind me that these sick individuals are few and far between. What a shame they have so much more of an impact!!

I wish I could address all your points individually, but I'm wearing a lead blanket at the moment. You know how it is. I barely have the energy to type today.

I guess my quest for revenge is not to revenge per se. If I could reach into my mind a flick a switch that left me with the memory only, and not the associated feelings, then I would. When I speak of revenge I see it as a means to stop these feelings, to bring and end, closure, to move on.

I'm beside myself with rage some days and don't know what to do with myself. It's a battle between head and heart and my emotions are getting the better of me.

As long as I don't act on them then I can forgive myself.

I heard Karma was a harsh mistress, just a shame I cant be there to witness it.

 

[Ronin]

Having access to these feelings is a better alternative. It's when you lose feelings, altogether - and I don't mean going numb or cold or just deciding not to care or foggy - that is a problem.

And revenge doesn't bring closure.

Closure has its separate needs & isn't even final, but what fuels revenge actions is fairly the opposite of closure.

If you *need* the revenge, you're not aiming for closure, you're deep in it.

And if you do revenge just for the sake of duty, no feelings to it attached, it can wind up just other moot point and one more pointless end to years long or longer pointless life tragedy...

Also the opposite of closure.

 

[Ronin]

Added to, since you asked a Q How do I with rage...?

Threads titled Processing Rage, How do I deal with anger, Anthony's article on iceberg of emotions, any thread in the Dysregulation section... are a good place to start looking. :tup:

As well as several threads on homicidal ideation & revenge itself, I'll check the exact titles.

The questions you're asking yourself and the intensity and type of feelings are very common to trauma & being violated / insulted in some way, so also definitely overcomable.

They can't be overcome only if you add on actions, and form a debt to yourself and the universe, instead of repaying it & balancing the unjust as intended.