Mourning What Was Lost

[Deleted member 1860]

Sorry if the title isn't all that clear, as I wasn't quite sure what to call this thread.

Lets just say that I am sad. I am sad about all of the things that I wanted in life but do not have. I am not saying that I will never have them in the future, but the fact is that my trauma and PTSD have indeed robbed me of quite a few life experiences. I am not being negative in this regard, rather facing the facts.

The other day I made a comment while a friend was watching the Home & Garden channel on TV. I said it was hard to watch these house hunting shows because they oftentimes have young professionals who are sometimes 10-15 years younger and me and they are buying homes. I said it because it was a reflection of how I feel like I have missed so much in life because of my trauma and disorder. I didn't say anything nasty about these people, rather how it was hard for me... I then elaborated and said that was a reason why I don't go on social media, ie Facebook, because it is hard to see how everyone else my age is married with kids and great homes, etc. Again, I wasn't putting them down. I wasn't even saying anything out of jealousy. But, apparently it was taken that way. I think I have a right to be sad for what was lost. My friend then continued by saying that I was just like his ex who was nasty to every woman who had a baby simply because she herself couldn't get pregnant. I was so incredibly hurt by that statement that I just shut down the conversation right then and there. Everybody here knows how I love a good argument, and that carries over into my real life. But when you hit a nerve with me, I just shut down and refuse to even discuss the matter further. I wasn't even being nasty and putting down anyone else. I know I have a huge problem when people say I am hurtful.

I think I am at the point in my healing where I am mourning what was lost. I am hopeful for the future and am making plans to move forward. But, at the same time, I never mourned what was lost. I wasn't able to finish the degree I set out to get. People tend to hush me when I bring this up, saying "oh, you can still go back". No, that isn't an option. My intended degree was highly demanding and I know it would not mesh well with the high level of self-care that I need. Not to mention the fact that I am not willing to take on the amount of debt required to get this degree. I have tried to voice this sadness a number of times, but people just tell me to keep my options open. They don't understand that it is over and I just want to be able to feel sad about the loss so I can move forward. I have other educational opportunities available to me, and I intend to utilize those routes. However, it is going to be different than what I originally set out to achieve. I am fine with this, as I have accepted that my life is taking a different path.

And there are other things that I am mourning. I went for so many years without any real friends or intimate relationships. Yes, I know I have many years ahead of me to work on building friendships and relationships, but at the same time I think I am allowed to be sad for all those years that I was alone and struggling with my disorder in isolation.

I just want to be able to feel sad without feeling guilty. I want to be able to feel sad for what was stolen from me because I think that it will help me move forward and give me a sense of closure. I don't have anyone in my real life whom I can talk to about these things, as nobody understands. Nobody I know has had such lifelong struggles so nobody can identify with the fact that I am sad for what I haven't had.

Does anyone else feel the same?

 

[LilBit]

I do not have ptsd, but I have suffered severe clinical depression and had bouts with suicidal ideation since my youth. Oh yes I understand you. My depression and SI prevented me from finishing college out of high school. And once you lose momentum, lose your initial scholarships and aid, going back is almost impossible. I tried taking classes over the years but still had the depression but not the finances. And I reached the same place you are now, knowing realistically I would never do what I originally wanted.

 

[spookedlife]

Yep...Yep. Yep....and Yep. Really strikes a chord with me. Just as does the reaction you received from your friend, upon voicing this sadness. It's happened to me more times than I can count.

What I've had to realize is that more often than not, when people react to others--meaning me, in this instance--what they're really expecting is that the other will "read between the lines"....as in, the real message isn't necessarily, or even usually, the exact content of their statement(s)...but rather, the spirit/intent of the general message.

And what I've come to realize, is that they're actually trying to help me...in their own way. At least, in part. They're trying to say, all at once "...look, you're being inappropriate...and I don't want you to say something like that/act like that around me again...so I'm going to make sure that the next time you get ready to...you'll remember that it's not appropriate for our relationship/level of interaction, etc.".

Is this callous/cruel? Well, it depends on how you look at it, from my perspective.

Coming from a "clinically detached" science background...and family of them...that's probably the major tool I use to put things in perspective, myself. Granted, often to a fault...but still. It's been incalculably useful in instances which otherwise would have been completely loaded with negative emotion...to kind of "see around" and "see through" all of that, and reach a place of being allright with it, nonetheless...just a means of feeling in control, of course, if you want to think of it that way. We all have those, after all.

But it can actually be materially productive as well, of course--in the sense of "untangling what's really going on" so that I don't just experience it in terms of the negative emotion involved.

What do I mean?

...Well, for example...I don't know where you are, which culture/country/region, etc....but I would tend to guess it is either the U.S., or one populated with a predominantly Anglo-Saxon culture, as the "mainstream", or prevailing one.
O.K....stay with me here.

...It just so happens that most Anglo-Saxon based cultures are competitive in their style of interpersonal interactions...in other words...the underlying theme is "we're supposed to be challenging eachother...challenging and testing eachother's boundaries, etc., to prove that we "measure up" with regard to a competitive standard, not a cooperative one...we measure up by proving our vigor and and viability as agressors on a field of battle, around here....and as such...you better stow that weakness crap away...if you expect to get anywhere.

Follow me? This is..."Does someone need help?Well...you help 'em by giving them the kick in the pants they need to stop feeling sorry for themselves, and pull themselves up by their bootstraps, and get their ass in gear"....land. "You're not helping anyone by reinforcing their lack of vigor and aggressiveness by patting them on the head for it".

So in that way...it was likely that, at least in part...his motivation was ACTUALLY to HELP you. True...he was likely also intending to tell you "Look...I'm not going to care-take you...if that's what you thought...I'm not that guy", as well. But in my opinion, it's also very likely that he was coming from a "look...that kind of stuff isn't going to get you anywhere in the world...so you need to cut it out", message, as well.

I know that's been the case for me, when I look back at it, anyway...and I'm in the U.S.

And of course, cultures DO make a difference.

For example, in more traditional cultures...for example...Latin American, especially...but also Eastern European, for example...there's a "phenomenon"...or "cultural trait"...entitled "Noble Sadness"....that's VERY NOTABLY absent from Anglo Saxon cultures. Is that good or bad? Who knows. Who cares. It just is. Just like one tribe is warlike, and another tribe farms, instead. One wears feathered headdresses, the other wears loincloths. Just differences in what the "standard" is that you're expected to measure up to.

For example...not only is it common for Latin Americans to express their sadness and discouragement to eachother...if one does not do so...they are considered a "roughian"..."ignoble"...and "heartless". Being willing to show the pain in your heart to another, and share it...is considered the sign of a noble heart and soul...and the typical response from the other is to console the one doing so...embracing them, even patting on the head, looking deep into the others eyes, and speaking softly and reassuringly, offering words of understanding and commiseration, without passing judgement...as if to say "I'm right with you...I understand, and am there for you".

It's a cooperative culture, rather than a competitive culture. That's the standard of interpersonal interaction. Extremely polite and deferential, respectful of others boundaries, rather than challenging them...which is seen as "pushy" in that context...and the height of unacceptable behavior, instead.

So chances are, I feel sure, that if the person you're talking about, and the cultural context you're in, is Anglo...then you were really being helped...at least in part...by someone saying "look, that's not going to fly around here...you need to get that through your head". No..that's not what they said, exactly....but the negative reaction was the message...not its actual content. Just speaking from experience.

So it's really a matter of putting it in perspective. It's not someone being unkind/cruel/persecutory...it's just someone saying."..look, it's about time you learned the rules around here...", giving you "help" in the form that its acceptable for that help to take, in that cultural context...which is "kick in the pants" help...not "commiserating and reassurance" help.

So maybe that helps some. I hope so. After all...every culture has different rules for what's appropriate, and when and where...and hands out sanctions when they're violated. It's just a matter of being clear on the rules. So, keeping this in mind...yes, it's fine to mourn your losses, grieve it out, and still acceptable to voice feeling bad while doing so...but if you're in an Anglo culture...you should make sure it's at a support group intended for that purpose...or a grief/trauma counselor, for example. Other people, in common situations..."ain't goin to be tryin to hear that shi*t"...as they say, colloquially. And they'll make that clear. It's just a cultural thing...no reason to take it personally, or even see it as an indication that the other person is "a bad person" in general, for reacting that way. It's just their culture.

That's the way I've come to see it. And it made a huge difference.

I realize I haven't really addressed the main point of the thread...the loss involved with trauma...but I thought the above equally as important. But just to add my two cents...I have to deal with the same thing, too, regularly. So you're not alone.

I think the challenge is to see the grief as positive..and not get caught up in it, bogged down in it, and overinvested in it. I look at it as just a "thing"...a "tool"...like any kind of therapy. I wouldn't get all wrapped up in my muscle soreness, after a workout. I'd just say "Damn, that hurts"...massage the muscle, and go on about my business, as usual.

And that's the challenge of grief. It has to be let out...felt. If it's not, it ruins our lives over the long run. I know that from personal experience.

But if I get all caught up in it...and make an identity of it...that ruins my life, too.

A hard line to walk, especially when the feelings are that intense and overwhelming...but ours is not an easy path. At least we all know that.

My heart goes out to you. And I want to congratulate you on your progress in feeling horrible!

Yes. I meant that exactly as it reads. As long as you're allowing yourself to feel that horrible grief, yet not give in to it, and keep on keeping on...you're progressing. Because you're "excavating that wound"....just like opening up a gangrenous wound that scabbed over, but has to be dug out, if it is expected to get better. It hurts like hell...doesn't LOOK to anyone else like you're making headway...LOOKS like you're just carving up a wound again...but YOU know it has to be done. And that's what's important. Keep on keepin on.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I can't say I've experienced the same thing, but I understand and I can empathise. I think you indeed have every right to mourn the loss of what could have been.

This is just a guess, but maybe what you're going through is similar to the way people mourn the loss of a loved one; maybe you're going through the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Which would mean you are at the second to last stage.

I believe it is logical and healthy to mourn what trauma and ptsd have taken from you. Like you said, you need to mourn without having to feel guilty in order for you to move on.

I think you're doing a very brave thing facing the pain like this. Keep it up. :hug:

 

[littlestars]

Yes, I feel/have felt the same way. I try not to think about "what could have been" anymore though.... it just depresses me. Also, I realized I was comparing myself to others that had nowhere near any (traumatic) experiences that I had and didn't have the same challenges that I face. That being said, it does really stab you in the heart at times. I just try to remain optimistic and think only about myself. I realize also that I'm not in a race with anyone. Eventually, I'll get what I want and need, even if I don't realize that what I have right now is exactly what I desire and require. It can get frustrating, but you really have to pamper yourself. At least, that's what I discovered. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing a boardgame and I have to go back to start or lose a few turns, etc. You win some, you lose some, but there's always the option to continue. I get angry sometimes about what happened to me because of this situation/feeling...I've been trying to put that anger toward my abusers and working on it in therapy. Your "self-talk" to yourself is very key in making progress, though it can be difficult. I'm often cruel to myself, but I'm getting better at not doing that. I don't know...

...I would take your time with mourning, but don't put yourself down. :hug:

I didn't think I would be capable of having a lot of things in my life, like a relationship, but I am gaining these things as the years roll on by. Things just have a way of working themselves out. Maybe not everything will change or be how you would like it to be, but I really found that certain things do get better with time.

I have faith that we will all make it out of this mess and we will heal. Good luck to you.

 

[Go Hungry]

Yes, I know exactly what you're feeling. Actually I've been getting mired in it quite alot lately, as I've been experiencing alot of anxiety states. I do get upset when I compare my life and accomplishments to other people my age, especially my brother. Most of my friends have become engineers and professionals and alot of them have stable relationships and some of them kids. And I've missed all of that. Lost my marriage largely due to my self-fixation and addictions, which turned out to be coping methods that were destructive. (though honestly it was an unhealthy marriage on both sides). I totally get where you're coming from.

Alot of what @spookedlife says resonates with me, about the US being a competitive rather than co-operative culture. I can certainly see that in alot of my daily reactions. Makes me wonder if I was born in the wrong country. :laugh: And I feel that in myself too, how I constantly belittle myself for having these feelings, like if I just hate myself enough then I'll snap out of it and get on with my life.

I think one of the most painful experiences I've had lately was when my new boss asked me what my aspirations were. I just responded about how I was going to college and was honestly thinking of transferring out of the office (which I should have done 8 years ago). What I really wanted to say was 'Survive'. But that does make me think, about how I am still going to college, one class at a time, and trying to get things in order.

One of the big things that bothers me is that I'm getting lonely, but am in no shape to try and be in a relationship with anyone. I just get scared that it will always be this way. I think I may finally be reaching the stage where I'm more scared to remain miserable than I am to try and do something with myself.. Which, come to think of it, isn't that bad of a thing to be afraid of. Huh.. Never would have thought of that.

Good post.:hug:

 

[RussH]

Solara, I completely agree with what you are saying. I look back on my life and regret, and mourn for the things I could have been, and should have been, but my undiagnosed PTSD, and especially the other long-term effects of my abuse kept me from truly reaching out to achieve success. So yes I agree completely with you.

 

[Springer80]

I understand and feel the same way. I'm also coming to some sort of resolution about it more recently.

I think the thing that bugs me about it, that is hard to explain, is that it's your not talking about individual opportunities in isolation. But these are formative experiences, that interweave and mould and build the person you are.

So for instance, yes you will make friends in the future, of course you will but the friends you make in your teenage and early twenties in more normal circumstanced are the ones that remember your rites of passage and link you to your past etc etc.
And life is interwoven, friends lead to better social life, holidays together, they help you through the bumps of your love life, they may have introduced you to your future partner.

It not just a opportunity, but the cumulative affect of having a normal nervous system would have allowed, of not having shame would have allowed.

I'm 34 in September and despite the many things I have wanted and hoped for, the path I have been nailed to since 1999 is my health. I rent a flat, I don't have a car, I have tiny cushion of cash in the bank, I don't work in the sector I am talented at and dreamed of, I had to relinquish a scholarship for a masters because I was so cognitively so exhausted it would have pushed me over a mental edge; I don't have a partner and I the thought occasionally passes through my mind that I may not have my own children now. More importantly, I have a past that is disenfranchised and that makes it harder to build a present and a future based on my truth.

Like you I don't say these things to torture myself, I no longer dwell on them as I used to. I don't fight against them.
Sometimes I feel very peaceful about all of this loss, I know that what I was capable of I managed and I know my path could not have been any different considering the lack of support I had.

The thing which bothers me is lack of comprehension, lack of acknowledgement and ultimately lack of empathy and intimacy about the story I have lived.[DOUBLEPOST=1405633122,1405632850][/DOUBLEPOST]Don't you think it strange that people think emotion is something to be fixed and not shared. People don't listen, it is so rare to find someone who does.

 

[scout86]

I think I get what you mean, at least to a point. My T has said, several times, "I think you were robbed." I always want to argue the point. That's where I'm at. Now, anyway. But, I kind of see his point, probably just am not quite ready to really own it just yet. I'm pretty sure he'd get YOUR point and would say that you have the right to mourn what could have been, or maybe should have been. I suspect it's important to do that before you're really free to totally get in to what is yet to come.

 

[spookedlife]

My T has said, several times, "I think you were robbed." I always want to argue the point

I'd be interested to know more about this as a reaction...what you meant, exactly. You mean you disagree? I'm confused.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Yes Solara I feel the same way. Hugs to you if you're comfortable accepting them.

I think it's extremely important to mourn what was lost because the fact is it was lost. I've had people respond to me in similar ways. They don't understand that I'm not being negative or refusing to see or do or to have hope. And quite honestly I think it's very invalidating to suggest that we just kind of put aside our emotions and the mourning period and just get to the other side. For me keeping quiet and not experiencing my emotions has been part of my problem. I think it's irresponsible too to suggest that to us that what we're feeling when we grieve or mourn is negative. Because the reality is that terrible things happened to us and we have no way to go forward if we don't mourn and cry for what we went through and what we lost.

It makes me very angry and I feel very invalidated when people tell me I'm being negative and pessimistic. The reality is the reality. And my past my history are what they are and it makes me angry and sad. And not only do I have the right to experience my emotions it's necessary for me to experience them so that I can work through the pain somehow and try to heal. The impact of trauma has always effected me and in one way or another it always will.

We have the right to mourn and grieve. We have the right to feel sad about how dramatically our lives were changed. I had dreams and I had hopes. And I have dreams and hopes now. But they're mixed with a lot of fear that quite honestly can be debilitating. I'm not giving up. I'm not not trying as some have said or might say. I know my limits are different now. And like you said watching people succeed is tricky because I'm happy for them but I'm reminded of what I lost of what was taken from me and how that effects me now and how that will end up effecting my future.

 

[Dana1010]

Marriage and kids is a white picketed prison to many. A lot of folks who took that route secretly miss being single and free. That's one thing I don't feel I've lost out on.

What I am bitter about are the fun years - 15 to 22. High school. College. I feel like that is the bloom of life, your one chance to be really happy, to have your youth, beauty, faith in the world, limitless possibilities. Instead they were some of the worst years of my life; they taught me how fundamentally unacceptable, unlovable, and undesirable I am, and gave me the self loathing and poor self image still strapped to my back. A couple years ago, I had my first decent boyfriend ever and we sat out at a sidewalk cafe with a couple of his friends and just drank and goofed as night fell. I remember thinking, "Oh my God, this is what my life should have been like when I was seventeen."