Hi, everyone.....
Is it okay if I just talk a bit? If I share how I'm feeling, maybe, just maybe, I won't feel so panicky and suicidal. (Not actively suicidal.......but more of a flashback to the shame and despair of childhood in which terror and lack of protection made me just want to drop into a gigantic hole and disappear off the face of the earth.)
My husband and I are in a situation that I despise. Two years ago, it seemed a very good idea, but it quickly became very unpleasant.
We moved two doors down from my mother-in-law into a home that was owned by my husband's brother. This was an opportunity for my husband to purchase the home, although I was not in on all of the details. I felt at the time that it was more of a family matter, and I thought my husband and his mother and brother should hash out the details.
What I do is handle our finances. I try my very best, I honestly do. I am the type of person who checks our online banking every day, reconciles our checkbook the moment the statement arrives, knows to the penny what is available, and never has an overdraft.
But my husband doesn't make a lot of money. And I have tried to work.....in fact, I had a good sales job and was doing well........and I also had a few other jobs. But I can never stay very long at a job due to a combination of my horrible IBS problems (believe me, unless you've lived with chronic D, you have no idea how debilitating life can become......sorry if TMI!.........) and my C-PTSD problems. Actually, I really never knew I suffered from PTSD because I just live in dissociation most of the time. But now that I know, my life makes much more sense to me.
When you don't make a lot of money, you are constantly taking from Paul to pay Peter, as the saying goes.
No matter how hard I try to stay on top of bills, it seems a never-ending and a losing struggle. It's so demoralizing to me, probably because I'm one of those people who cares a lot about trying to do the right thing.
My husband also had 2 major surgeries back-to-back last year.........and was out of work 4 months. That was a difficult and grueling time for both of us, as I was his major caregiver. Very exhausting. But we made it through and he is back working. But, as you can imagine, we have lot of medical bills aside from what insurance paid. While he was out of work, we had to rely upon his mother's help for several months. That really bothered me. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if she was a kind, warm, loving person.....but she is a narcissistic, snobbish, judgmental, lecturing, inconsiderate boor. And since I am the one handling money, I am the one she calls.
I am paying out everything my husband makes just to survive. I am barely able to make all of my monthly medical payments to doctors, hospitals, physical therapists, anesthesiologists, technicians, and labs. In fact, the orthopedic surgeon sued us and got a judgement because the payment arrangements I tried to make with them "weren't high enough." That was also extremely demoralized to me. But as I always do, I keep taking on more blame and more stress until I feel that I will crumble under the weight of it all.
Anyway, back to my original concern.
My mother-in-law just called to ask where money was for electric and gas bills. She insisted that the electric and gas be kept in her name when we moved here, and I absolutely HATED that from the outset. I hated the feeling of obligation that came along with it, and I hated feeling dependent, like a child. I just absolutely hated it.
Well, I don't have the money to give her. I try my best. But inevitably, inevitably, something comes up to destroy my carefully planned monthly budget. We both drive older vehicles, so there have been car repairs. My husband is now been placed back in 3x weekly physical therapy because of his hips has some problems. He also has been placed on 2 medications, which costs money. I also just had my student loan payments reinstated since I finished school. (The student loan company assured me that the payments would not begin again until August 14, but wouldn't you know it?.......they took money out of my automatic draft this month, and I wasn't expecting it. Luckily, I caught that because I check my online balance daily......aaarrrggggh).
So I am on the phone, trying to explain, feeling like a failure and an utterly miserable human being and she is the type of person who goes on and on about what an inconvenience this is for her. I already feel bad enough. She is never the type of person to say, like I would say to one of my children, "Oh, my goodness! That must be so hard, trying to deal with your husband's chronic health issues and your cars falling apart and paying off 7 medical providers monthly. How can I support you?".........No, she is the type of person who is narcissistic enough and clueless enough to make you feel worse about yourself, to the point of suicide.
After getting off the phone with her, or seeing her in general, I feel like I do whenever I'm around my own narcissistic mother. I want to die. Literally die. It's that painful, and the flashbacks are horrible.
I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate being and feeling dependent upon people. Especially upon family members. And I loathe dealing with her. I loathe it. It's stressful and I am cracking under the pressure.
I am doing all I know to do. I just finished school with a 4.0 gpa.....and I'm applying for jobs. I hope that I can get a job soon. It won't be soon enough!
She keeps a running tally of all the money she has helped my husband with. That's fine. There's a part of me that wants to move immediately and get as far away from her and this situation as possible. I don't even care about purchasing this house any longer. I can only do what I can do, and I am knocking myself out, and worrying, about trying to constantly stay on top of everything. Let her keep the house, and upon her death, let whatever she money she gave my husband be taken out of any inheritance he might receive. I don't care if I get a penny. I never have cared.
I just feel so much despair. I have no one to talk to. No one who understands. My husband knows what his mother is like and he doesn't care to be around her, either, but he just accepts it all as "well, that's just the way she is."
And what do I do? I do the only thing I know to do........and that's to do just what I used to do when I was a used and abused little girl and a teenager who was parentified and expected to take care of my siblings and household chores and loan my mother money and be her sounding board. In other words, I am so accustomed to having things to do, without any help or support, that I just do it. I might feel like I'm falling apart, but I don't know what else to do!
I just had to write about it. I think I will be losing it if I don't get some relief soon. The insomnia and health problems are mounting up. My stress level is skyrocketing.
Thank you for letting me talk. I really needed to.
Is it okay if I just talk a bit? If I share how I'm feeling, maybe, just maybe, I won't feel so panicky and suicidal. (Not actively suicidal.......but more of a flashback to the shame and despair of childhood in which terror and lack of protection made me just want to drop into a gigantic hole and disappear off the face of the earth.)
My husband and I are in a situation that I despise. Two years ago, it seemed a very good idea, but it quickly became very unpleasant.
We moved two doors down from my mother-in-law into a home that was owned by my husband's brother. This was an opportunity for my husband to purchase the home, although I was not in on all of the details. I felt at the time that it was more of a family matter, and I thought my husband and his mother and brother should hash out the details.
What I do is handle our finances. I try my very best, I honestly do. I am the type of person who checks our online banking every day, reconciles our checkbook the moment the statement arrives, knows to the penny what is available, and never has an overdraft.
But my husband doesn't make a lot of money. And I have tried to work.....in fact, I had a good sales job and was doing well........and I also had a few other jobs. But I can never stay very long at a job due to a combination of my horrible IBS problems (believe me, unless you've lived with chronic D, you have no idea how debilitating life can become......sorry if TMI!.........) and my C-PTSD problems. Actually, I really never knew I suffered from PTSD because I just live in dissociation most of the time. But now that I know, my life makes much more sense to me.
When you don't make a lot of money, you are constantly taking from Paul to pay Peter, as the saying goes.
No matter how hard I try to stay on top of bills, it seems a never-ending and a losing struggle. It's so demoralizing to me, probably because I'm one of those people who cares a lot about trying to do the right thing.
My husband also had 2 major surgeries back-to-back last year.........and was out of work 4 months. That was a difficult and grueling time for both of us, as I was his major caregiver. Very exhausting. But we made it through and he is back working. But, as you can imagine, we have lot of medical bills aside from what insurance paid. While he was out of work, we had to rely upon his mother's help for several months. That really bothered me. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if she was a kind, warm, loving person.....but she is a narcissistic, snobbish, judgmental, lecturing, inconsiderate boor. And since I am the one handling money, I am the one she calls.
I am paying out everything my husband makes just to survive. I am barely able to make all of my monthly medical payments to doctors, hospitals, physical therapists, anesthesiologists, technicians, and labs. In fact, the orthopedic surgeon sued us and got a judgement because the payment arrangements I tried to make with them "weren't high enough." That was also extremely demoralized to me. But as I always do, I keep taking on more blame and more stress until I feel that I will crumble under the weight of it all.
Anyway, back to my original concern.
My mother-in-law just called to ask where money was for electric and gas bills. She insisted that the electric and gas be kept in her name when we moved here, and I absolutely HATED that from the outset. I hated the feeling of obligation that came along with it, and I hated feeling dependent, like a child. I just absolutely hated it.
Well, I don't have the money to give her. I try my best. But inevitably, inevitably, something comes up to destroy my carefully planned monthly budget. We both drive older vehicles, so there have been car repairs. My husband is now been placed back in 3x weekly physical therapy because of his hips has some problems. He also has been placed on 2 medications, which costs money. I also just had my student loan payments reinstated since I finished school. (The student loan company assured me that the payments would not begin again until August 14, but wouldn't you know it?.......they took money out of my automatic draft this month, and I wasn't expecting it. Luckily, I caught that because I check my online balance daily......aaarrrggggh).
So I am on the phone, trying to explain, feeling like a failure and an utterly miserable human being and she is the type of person who goes on and on about what an inconvenience this is for her. I already feel bad enough. She is never the type of person to say, like I would say to one of my children, "Oh, my goodness! That must be so hard, trying to deal with your husband's chronic health issues and your cars falling apart and paying off 7 medical providers monthly. How can I support you?".........No, she is the type of person who is narcissistic enough and clueless enough to make you feel worse about yourself, to the point of suicide.
After getting off the phone with her, or seeing her in general, I feel like I do whenever I'm around my own narcissistic mother. I want to die. Literally die. It's that painful, and the flashbacks are horrible.
I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate being and feeling dependent upon people. Especially upon family members. And I loathe dealing with her. I loathe it. It's stressful and I am cracking under the pressure.
I am doing all I know to do. I just finished school with a 4.0 gpa.....and I'm applying for jobs. I hope that I can get a job soon. It won't be soon enough!
She keeps a running tally of all the money she has helped my husband with. That's fine. There's a part of me that wants to move immediately and get as far away from her and this situation as possible. I don't even care about purchasing this house any longer. I can only do what I can do, and I am knocking myself out, and worrying, about trying to constantly stay on top of everything. Let her keep the house, and upon her death, let whatever she money she gave my husband be taken out of any inheritance he might receive. I don't care if I get a penny. I never have cared.
I just feel so much despair. I have no one to talk to. No one who understands. My husband knows what his mother is like and he doesn't care to be around her, either, but he just accepts it all as "well, that's just the way she is."
And what do I do? I do the only thing I know to do........and that's to do just what I used to do when I was a used and abused little girl and a teenager who was parentified and expected to take care of my siblings and household chores and loan my mother money and be her sounding board. In other words, I am so accustomed to having things to do, without any help or support, that I just do it. I might feel like I'm falling apart, but I don't know what else to do!
I just had to write about it. I think I will be losing it if I don't get some relief soon. The insomnia and health problems are mounting up. My stress level is skyrocketing.
Thank you for letting me talk. I really needed to.
