Facebook Request From Childhood Bully

[TeaLeaf]

I've had a pretty awful month, including receiving a facebook request from a childhood bully. At first I was very shocked and then I felt powerful because I could just deny her if I wanted to. Even better, she has a public job and so if I reminded her what she had done to me and she takes responsibility and just tells me to just get over it or something equally invalidating, I could just take a screenshot and make it public and expose her behavior and lack of empathy. I guess that is sort of vindictive and my therapist even commented on it in a surprised way that it wouldn't be good for either of us and it must be really hurting me.

So far I haven't sent a message. I have one written up, briefly saying that I remember what she had done, the impact her actions had on me and that given this, I was awfully surprised to get a friend request from her. I feel like I just can't send it because if I don't get some sort of apology, it is just going to bring back the past more and make me more unstable. I have to be ready for anything and right now I am not. The more I stew about what to write and the closer I get to sending it, the more the pain comes back. I have PTSD from repeated childhood trauma and so the bullying is minor to moderate compared to all the other abuses I suffered.

Has anyone else ever experienced a childhood bully getting into contact with you? What did you do? If you reminded them of what they had done, what did they say in response?

 

[mamachick]

I am wondering how old you are now, only because if her behavior was longer ago than closer in time, I suppose it is possible that she does not even remember the effect she had on you, or, in some way wants to reach out to show you that she is a different person now.
However, when our phone rings or we get a text message or a FB friend request, we have the ability to respond or completely ignore. You can hit the deny button, block her from further contacting you, and dismiss the request completely. Sometimes no response is the best solution. Please know that I do not minimize the effects on you.

I am female and dated a guy for 3 months and ended it in Feb. A crazy woman that he dated 2 yrs prior to me continues to send me weird texts. She is a psycho. I had a court hearing with her last Wednesday and was told that she was not allowed to contact me in any way for 6 months. Two hours later, she sent me a pair of eyeballs in a text message. To me, the message is-"Im watching you". I was very upset and first inclined to tell her to leave me alone. The police said she could be arrested for breaking the order. I was really upset for a couple of days. I realize she is just trying to antagonize me. I have more important things to take care of at the time so I am letting it go. This woman has spread vicious rumors about me and hates me. She is about 50 years old.

All this social media and text and twitter is making lives miserable for some. Ignoring her will make it clear you are not open for being bullied. You didnt have a choice as a kid, but you do no-its called DELETE AND IGNORE.

 

[jmni]

On the one hand the internet can be great because we have great sites like this one. Not so long ago there was no myspace, no facebook, no okcupid and the internet was not used for socializing. Once we graduated high school we didn't have to worry about ever seeing our high school bully again. The internet is full of creeps and if you have a presence besides your anonymous one the best thing you can do is to make it as professional as possible.

Apart from how this bully affected you, it's ridiculous to have any contact from her. She's someone you knew in grade school. She is not part of your life. You only dislike and resent her. As soon as I got a facebook page I was bombarded with requests from people from middle school who I barely remember. It's stupid! these people are just that nosey and have that much of a need to know what's going on in the life of someone they hardly know who they have nothing to do with. I chatted with a friend from when I was 12 who wanted to meet up with me. I hadn't seen her in 20 years! I just don't care about anyone from middle school / high school / elementary school. It's none of my business what goes on in their lives, it's none of their business what is going on in my life, and I don't want anything to do with them.

You are right, it would open the door to cattiness and vindictive behavior. You might consider this woman has changed but maybe she hasn't changed at all and is just nosy. The internet is full of creeps and bad people and you have to protect yourself from that in general. Why open the door to emotional upheaval? I don't blame you for writing a message, but you dont need to send it. She's probably no different from any abuser. I'm sure her ears are deaf to her responsibility.

Also if you are so much compelled to lash out at her, you should really do what you can to prevent yourself from that. Then you'll be the bad guy / weirdo. Keep the power you have and ignore her. If you delete this request, you'll forget about it eventually.

 

[shell]

For once you are in control of the situation between you both, do you really want to go there?

My mother (my abuser) recently started using facebook, and her posts to other members of my family started popping up in my feed, it was making me very anxious. Blocking them was one of the best things I ever did, taking control of who is in my life is self caring.

 

[mamachick]

Also about FB, many people seem to be in competition for the number of friends they have. Some college kids have over 1000 friends-REALLY? Oh ya, I spoke to this woman in the super market line once, I should friend her. It seems to be the mentality of our times. If I was only friends with those that I am REALLY friends with, I would have about 10 friends rather than 150. The upside is that these "acquaintances" post some funny and good stuff, for those like me who have tended to isolate over the past few years, it is nice to get some birthday wishes, and I have learned about births and deaths on FB of those who I do care for but just am not in regular contact with. Yet I have several people blocked, including most of my family.

 

[Breeze]

I think a lot of people use ignoring as they find it winds people up more. Ignoring to me is almost an abuse in itself in a way. I'm quite straight and like people to know what I feel so I would go with the suggestion of blocking. To me, if you don't want any contact with someone you make it quite clear and blocking is how you do it. Take good care of yourself as nobody should be bullied, ever!

 

[Go Hungry]

No reason to get involved with this person at all. Ignore, delete, block.. Whichever you like. But you definitely should not write them a nastygram. I friended one of my old bullies, but only because he had come up and apologized to me once in person. Other than that, I don't really see a need to contact these guys. Chances are they are still shitheads.

 

[Justmehere]

I was once on the receiving end of a "I'm surprised you sent me a friend request" message. It was from a friend in college. He shared with me what I had done that hurt him. Honestly, I did not even remember it, I'm sure I had said and did the one time but stupid and really hurtful thing I had said to him. I personally was glad he told me. I apologized and we because not just FB-friends but real life friends again. He was terribly gracious and I found it a helpful process.

That being said, I think this might be an exceptional event that I experienced. It stirred up a lot for me. The time I said the mean stuff to him was the worst time of my life. It was hard for him to revisit the dumb and cruel things I said to him in a moment of pushing him away. It took a lot for us both emotionally to worth through it.

You don't sound ready to send it - and that's very ok! If you can send the message and not expect an apology, or are prepared for even possible questions, and it's not done just to be mean back, and your therapist supports the idea, then maybe it would be ok to do someday. If not, then ignoring and waiting, or not engaging at all ever, is an EXCELLENT idea. You can always revisit the matter later on, especially since they friended you.

I also would highly recommend not seeking to publically shame her. I have so wanted to do to this many times myself. One time, I actually did - on Facebook and about a family member. I did it that same year I said mean stuff to that guy. I felt so justified in telling everyone what this family member had texted me. I was justified! I posted a copy of the text and everything. But the only one who looked like a fool in the end was me. Don't do what I did. Don't stoop to her level. It's natural to want that, but trust me, it is highly unlikely to work like you hope and want it to. Even of it does shame her, it drags you down too. People will trust you less knowing you would be willing to make private messages public. I would want people in your life to know you for the kind person you really are.

Also, I am not making excuses for what they did, whatsoever, but sometimes childhood bullies were acting out as children because of their own trauma they were surviving. It does not make it ok what they did - just trying to say that there could be a lot that is stirred up for them and maybe that's why they are trying to reconnect to people from childhood. Or maybe they are just trying into increase a friend count. Who knows. They could still be the same now and be a jerk back to you, they could have a different perspective and respond with invalidating comments, or they could dive into sharing info that may be hard and confusing to take in. With how much this has stirred up for you already, it's good you are carefully thinking this through.

 

[Underdog]

Personally, I would not accept the request nor respond. I agree with other posters that the bully may not remember, and if she does she may not remember it the same way. While it may be tempting, trust I get it, the best response is none at all until you are able to move beyond that anger. I even went so far as to delete "friends" on Facebook and deleted all of their contact info so I wouldn't do or say anything I would regret later. It paid off.

Just remember that while you can take snapshots of the conversation and understand it from your perspective, the exact same thing can be done by anyone else. Not everyone will see eye to eye.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I received a friend request from a friend/bully from childhood. This particular person was a friend of mine for several years and then she just turned on me. She called me hurtful names and turned other kids against me. She was cruel. I knew her parents were going through a divorce and I somewhat understood that that was hard for her. As an adult I learned more and realized it was a huge thing to have to go through. This person sent me a friend request on Facebook and I thought, well maybe she's changed or maybe she is going to apologize. So I accepted. She never once mentioned any of the cruel stuff she had done. And her posts were pretty dramatic and always negative. Eventually I un-friended her. Nothing was said and I was fine with that because I have to believe that she doesn't understand what she did to me. I've had other people from my childhood who were mean to me, try to befriend me and I have one living right up the road from me (total coincidence as I do not live in the town I grew up in). I wonder if these people even have a clue of what they have done. I make the assumption that they don't or at least they don't acknowledge it on a conscious level. I have chosen to leave them in the past and though I still carry the hurt of it all, I can't change it. That's my experience, I hope you figure out what path is right for you.

 

[digger]

Can I ask what age she was when bullying you? I think, as others have suggested, children aren't always aware of the effect and impact their actions have. Doesn't by any means make bullying okay, but it may be that her recollection of the time, and yours, are very different.

I think if you would struggle with that idea, or with not receiving an apology from her, then I would say it's best left. Click no to the friend request and leave it at that.

 

[Chava]

As a general rule, I just don't accept friend requests from people who weren't friends, aren't friends, or aren't friendly colleagues.

A guy who hurt me badly in high school sent me a friend request. It shocked me...like "wtf?" I hit the "deny" request button and he can't send me more requests. That felt like the most self-respecting response.